Fakin' it Till I Make it

As I was loading my two weeks worth of groceries onto the conveyor belt, the young man at the register asked me,

“So how is the lady doing today?”

I replied the way I usually do when I see the checker and all of the people in line behind me roll their eyes and tap their feet impatiently because it takes me so long to get checked out. 

“I have a lot of groceries today….sorry”

He surprised me by saying, “THIS is nothing!  There is a lady that comes in once every two weeks who has 14 kids and she easily drops over a thousand dollars each time.  Besides, I’m paid by the hour.”

“Oh good.”

“So how IS the lady doing today?” He asked again.

“Fakin’ it till I make it,” I said. 

“I love it!  That’s so gangster…”

“Word” I joked.  He loved that and called me homegirl for the duration of the checkout.  He was nice and all but inside I was like,

“Whaaat?  If you only knew what I really meant by saying I’m faking it until I make it, you wouldn’t say I’m gangster.  It’s not cool to be faking it till you make it when you say it truthfully.”

I’m faking it because my heart is not in it at the moment.  We all have times where we put one foot in front of the other but not because we want to. 

Whether it’s because of the new round of stomach flu that has hit our house and the mountains of throw up laundry that has thrown me off my game, or my pre-menopausal hormones, or the ugly weather that forces everyone inside where there is no sunshine, or the continual and unrelenting two hour a day trips to Centerville and the therapy therapy therapy….change this, do this, talk about your FEELINGS…..I’ve been struggling to overcome a depressive spirit this week. 

I’m faking it because I don’t FEEL like reading my scriptures, or praying, or exercising, or being a nice mommy and nurse and teacher and wife and primary teacher and preschool teacher and a beating-OCD-and-anxiety-coach but I’m doing it anyway. 

Someone once asked my husband, “How is your wife so HAPPY all the time?”

“Trust me, she’s not.” He said truthfully, “But she is overall, a happy person.”

The truth is, I am not a happy person by nature.  By nature, I tend to be a glass is half empty and a woe-is-me kind of person.  I have just learned through experience and kicking against the pricks that happiness takes work.  I’m not striving to develop the natural man inside of me, I’m striving to become a disciple of Christ.  I know that when we keep the commandments and counsel of the Lord, even when we don’t want to or FEEL like doing it, that we enjoy the companionship of the Spirit and the joy that comes through having a relationship with Christ. 

Once again, not a coincidence that these words by Ezra Taft Benson are what I was guided to read during my personal study this week:

“We have no cause to really worry. Live the gospel, keep the commandments. Attend to your prayers night and morning in your home. Maintain the standards of the Church. Try and live calmly and cheerfully. … Happiness must be earned from day to day. But it is worth the effort

When George A. Smith was very ill, he was visited by his cousin, the Prophet Joseph Smith. The afflicted man reported: “He [the Prophet] told me I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties might surround me. If I were sunk into the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged, but hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I should come out on the top of the heap.” …

There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you. As the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” (D&C 121:7–8.)

Be cheerful in all that you do. Live joyfully. Live happily. Live enthusiastically, knowing that God does not dwell in gloom and melancholy, but in light and love.”

So until the light and love returns, I am faking it.  Guy at the Walmart checkout…THAT is what I meant.  Luckily I have a blog so I still get to tell someone.

On to Chloe’s treatment.  Here are the things we are learning this week:

-       -  Our therapist Paul hit the nail on the head:  Chloe is consumed with mourning the fact that “this is the hand she was dealt,” to the point that it is impeding her efforts to get well. 

I think we all do that at times.  I know I do.  In fact, I have a figurine on my shelf of a woman holding forget me not flowers, given to me by a dear friend to remind me every day that we cannot…we must not put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event.  This figurine and reminder comes from a most excellent talk by our beloved Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Forget Me Not.

-       - I have been reminded that I  still have a lot to learn about parenting teenagers, and that apparently I have a lot of improving to do.  He recommended a book called “Talking so your teen will listen and listening so your teen will talk.”  He also gave me some strategies for dealing with unpleasant behavior and taught me that I have a right to what I will and will  not allow in my space.  Meaning….I don’t have to put up with bad behavior because she has OCD, I can parent her like a normal teenager.

-      -  OCD runs in families, even the types

-       - It takes 1,000 hours of exposures to kick a particular OCD thought.  It is going to take much more support and help from me at home to keep Chloe motivated and moving forward.

-       - Chloe HAS to exercise every day.  Period. 

-   We talked about bringing the darkness to light and how when Chloe keeps her thoughts secret or does compulsions in secret then it's feeding the "monster"  OCD, and how being as open as possible about everything gives you power.  

  

I must say that even though I’ve struggled this week, I can feel my determination and strength returning.  It always does as I continue to press forward and use my agency to work towards happiness.  I even venture to say that by next week I will be my shiny happy usual self again.  Until then, have a great week everyone and sending much love as we all continue to move forward and find happiness within the struggle.