Systems

I was reading this morning and came across a concept I thought aligned with the principles of Self Government, the principles that are changing my life and family a bit at a time.  

This was in a book called "The Student Whisperer."  A mom named Tiffany Earl, who wrote the book, was having a mentoring session with the author Oliver DeMille. She was having trouble accomplishing her goals as a family.

"Systems," he said.

"Huh?" I looked at him quizzically. I had heard him mention systems before, but I'd never been able to grasp the simple concept. It was now time to learn it. 

"A system is simply a choice that has already been made." He looked at me and knew I just didn't get it. He pulled out a legal pad and began to write. "A system is a series of events that have been pre-determined.." I still didn't get it. 

He backed up. "Okay," he said, "do you smoke?"

"No."

"When did you decide you weren't going to smoke?"

"When I was five and my friend's mother smoked. My mom taught me the consequences of smoking and I decided then that I wouldn't smoke."

"Did anyone ever offer you a cigarette?"

"Yes, of course."

"What did you do?"

"I did what I decided a long time ago. I said, 'No.'"

He nodded. "That is a system!"

"It is?"

"Yes, it was a decision already made. You had a system in place. You knew you would say 'no.' You didn't have to spend a lot of energy and time deciding what to do anytime someone offered you a cigarette. You had a system in place and you just followed through. It was easy."

I felt like I was catching on a little. "Tell me another system!" I said.

"How do you do the dishes at your house?"

Ugh!  I was embarrassed to tell him the truth, but I swallowed and did it anyway.  "I notice we don't have any clean dishes left and so I soak the dirty ones and then wash them."

He laughed.  "That's a system by default.  The fact that you don't have any clean dishes triggers the need to wash the dishes.  Some people use other systems - better ones.  I've seen some homes where everyone washes their own dishes and the rest of the kitchen duties are rotated between children.  I've also seen some homes where dad and mom do dish duty right after each meal.  These are systems.  They are choices that are already pre-decided and then fulfilled."

"So what does this mean to me?"  I asked sincerely. 

"It means that you have to put better systems into your projects (I'm inserting family, home or life here).  Each area needs systems.  You need to determine what they are and build them."

I went home in a stupor, but I got started.  I soon learned that my mentor had saved me months of diversions, had helped me skip numerous roadblocks.  I began to train my mind to think in terms of systems.  I began to see them everywhere - and the lack of them too.  I began enjoying the task of seeing the systems that worked well.  I soon noticed that most problems occurred where there weren't efficient and well thought-out systems.  I became good at not only solving problems (creating systems) but at identifying problems.  "

 I thought to myself, that is so true!  Since Chloe got sick and we all began homeschooling, being together all the time helped us recognize that we had a serious lack of systems in our home.  Here are some that we have worked hard and sought inspiration to put in to place these past few months:

Motivational systems in place to address unpleasant behaviors.
Physical fitness / workout routines that work for our family and our schedule
Family activity times that work for our schedule

Systems set up for sharing the cleaning responsibilities.

What are our family rules and what are the designated rewards and consequences assigned to rules followed or broken?  

What are our family standards?  From media choices all the way down to dress and the way we speak.  
Homeschooling systems
Alone time with spouse
Scripture study and prayer systems:  personal, as a family, and with spouse
Time set up for personal mentoring with each child, each week

The more systems I have been putting into place, the more everyone knows what to expect, the less energy I spend creating off the cuff and reactionary consequences or teaching moments, and the less anxiety everyone feels.  Everyone is on the same page.  Less anxiety = peace.  

Are we at that zen place of peace yet?  No.  But we are leaps and bounds above where we were five months ago.  I no longer grind my teeth in my sleep.  That vein on my forehead doesn't stick out nearly as much.   

Being a sort of "free spirit" personality, whether or not I can keep these systems going and stay consistent is the real challenge.  A HUGE challenge.  But the more I gain confidence and trust that systems are what keep our family running peacefully, the more I am motivated to keep them going at all costs.  And now that I have told all of you what I am trying to do, I'm accountable!  
Now I cannot fail!  

I'm excited to hear about what systems you all have in place that work well in your homes, or what systems you feel need to be set up to conquer a problem.  Whether here in the blog comments or on the "Mothers Who Know" Facebook group, let me know!