Update on Chloe

Hello friends and family,

Even a week later after my last post, we are still getting messages of love, understanding and caring from all sorts of people, literally all over the world.  John and I have shed many tears to realize how many people love us enough to send kind words and reach out.  Our hearts are both in a puddle over it.  As for Chloe, it really really helps.  She is learning about the power of friendship and what true friends look like.   I only hope that we can do the same for you all that you have done for us if ever needed.

Chloe has been having more good days than bad since she hasn't been going to school, but the bad days are still there.  Panic attacks will come any time, and we don't know when.  Usually after going out somewhere or participating in an activity, but mostly at bedtime or in her sleep.  This article in Huffington Post explains panic attacks and what they feel like.  One of the readers described closest to how Chloe feels during hers:

"Mine are like I can't stand up, I can't speak. All I feel is an intense amount of pain all over, like something is just squeezing me into this little ball. If it is really bad I can't breathe, I start to hyperventilate and I throw up."

Her panic attacks are so terrible, and they seem to last a long time, or at least a lot longer than any panic attack I've ever had.  The frequency has also worn her down so she doesn't have the same strength to endure them.  Those are our lowest moments, when she is begging me to make it stop and I don't know what to do other than just hold her, cry with her, sing Primary songs and whisper words of encouragement and love.

After they are over, she is so exhausted both mentally and physically that she shuts down and won't talk, eat or do anything.  Those times scare me the most, and although I am trying very hard to remain calm and optimistic, those are the times I lose it.  But then we pick ourselves back up and keep on trying!

Sometimes we can get through it all by distraction, I will exercise with her or we will stay up all night watching Everybody Loves Raymond.  Although it sounds terrible, and it is, I would say that they are also the moments we feel closest to God and feel His love for Chloe.  So they have been catalysts for powerful learning.

He doesn't take away the pain, but we can feel His support helping us to endure.  Some of the most sacred teaching moments have come at our worst times, when we talk about the Savior's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Atonement, and why He did it for us.  In that unique situation, we can learn about the Atonement and how to use its enabling power in a very tangible way, not just a family home evening lesson or a sacrament meeting talk.  She has the opportunity to develop a relationship with her Heavenly Father and Savior by turning to them for support.  We also talk about knowing that Heavenly Father loves her because all of your love, which is in reality also His love.  He often sends other people to deliver His messages.

A few months ago, I was really struck by a passage I came across in my own personal scripture study.  Paul, in 2 Corinthians 12 was talking about a grievous infirmity that the Lord had not seen fit to immediately heal, and what he had learned from that.

8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

At first I wondered, how can anyone GLORY in INFIRMITIES?  They are so terrible!  But through my own trials and this trial, I am beginning to understand.  I can testify that I feel closer to the Savior and feel God's love even more powerfully when I am weak than when things are going smoothly and feel easy.  Being closer to God allows us to claim His power, and that makes us strong.  I'm grateful for the unique opportunity to teach this to my children.

This past year we have tried so many things, both natural and medicinal.  We use essential oils, we do energy work, magnets, neurolink and tapping, chiropractic adjustments, supplements, mediation, mindfulness, supplements and vitamins, yoga...and they all help and do good things.  (Except for the one prescription medication we tried...that was terrible.)  I'm sure there are many many more natural things we could try, but for now we feel guided to try putting Chloe into McKay Dee's Summit outpatient treatment that specializes in Anxiety Disorders.  

She will attend from 8am - 5pm for the next 5 weeks or so, and will have a team of people to help her  such as an educational coordinator to do schoolwork with her, a therapist for family, group and individual therapy, family therapy, exposure therapy, someone to make sure she is eating a balanced diet, a psychiatrist to find the right medication that works for her and monitor her with that.  She will do recreational therapy, they go to the gym, they do therapy with animals and puppies.  It's all set up for learning to manage, and to heal.  Kind of like the Biggest Loser Ranch, only for tackling anxiety disorders and OCD.  We are all super excited about it.  She starts on Monday.

As for the other kids, this whole experience could have the potential to either stress out our family, or pull us together in a powerful way.  As I have prayerfully sought to do the latter, I feel strongly that for now, we would benefit most by having all of the children do homeschool.  Being free from the structure, homework and deadlines that traditional school requires will allow us the freedom to strengthen our bonds, attend Chloe's family therapy sessions and get her where she needs to be.  

I used to think that I'd rather die than homeschool my kids...but I have to day, I feel so strongly about it that it's the right thing to do, that I am not even the slightest bit afraid.  Talk to me in a week and it might be another story though!  Filling out the final paperwork and saying goodbye for a while to beloved friends and teachers has pulled at our heartstrings big time, that was the hardest part, but I feel peace moving forward into this new phase of our lives, and I'm excited to see where it takes us.  

So that was a really long way of saying, I think we are on an upswing!  We are feeling optimistic :)

Oh, how we love you all.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for EVERYTHING.

I will keep you updated,

Molly