Last Chloe Update

Part I.

Update on Chloe:  The fantastic people at the clinic and the exposure therapy has helped her get back on track.  Her anxiety is completely gone.  It’s been a few weeks now and she continues to seem fine with no relapses.  It is a marvelous thing.  If she has a fear or an obsessive thought, she knows the steps and has the tools to prevent it from growing into anything more and she can handle it. 

These past few weeks have been a transition back into real life, which when we imagined this point, we thought would look something like Chloe embracing life with open arms, soaring and flying.  But as we continue to do our weekly therapy, it’s become apparent that this battle with OCD may have also brought about a bout of depression, which is very common and even can be expected.  We are now tackling that, but for the most part life is returning to being normal and peaceful.   Thank goodness!  We had a rough go of it for a while, but the clouds are parting and we are enjoying the calm after the storm.  Thank you again to everyone who helped us, I have no doubt that it was the love, support and prayers that helped us recover so quickly and they sustained us through the hard parts.  We will ever be grateful. 

Part II.

Big Parenting Changes: As we have been forging ahead on our new homeschooling path and routines these past few months, everyone has been very aware that there has been one huge obstacle in our way…getting along. 

My kids have very different personalities, strengths and weaknesses and up until this point I have never figured out how to pull everyone together.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried.  Countless books have been read, hours on my knees have been spent praying, many many tears shed, family home evening lessons about unity, team building exercises….I could go on.  We have seen temporary successes, but nothing lasting.

The old pattern was that the bickering and the not minding and the talking back and the behaviors would wear me down, so I would relish time away from the kids.  I couldn’t wait until bedtime when things were calm and I could finally get things done.   Date nights, lunches with girlfriends or especially when they were at school were my escapes.  Don’t get me wrong, date nights and lunches are important…but what I mean is that although I love all of my children with all of my heart, and totally have dedicated my life to raising them, I really didn’t enjoy being around them most of the time because of their behaviors.  Many of my days were spent looking for the positive, but going to bed sighing in frustration and regrouping before it all began over again the next day.  The weekends were just to be endured, unless we had a fun family activity to pull us together. 

Homeschooling forced me to put a giant mirror upon our family dynamics and bring to light the fact that my kids do not have great relationships, do not practice selflessness or forgiveness or good communication, do not know how to accept a NO answer, or do not work on being in charge of themselves…all of the things it takes to have good relationships.  It forced me to look at my relationship with each of them, and really ask myself if I was being the ultimate example.

The final straw was when a few of my kids were ASKED TO LEAVE the library because they had gotten into a knock down, drag out fight!  Running through the aisles, pulling clothes and tackling each other in front of everyone.  I have never felt like such a failure as a parent.  I was desperate.  I knew that Heavenly Father wanted us to homeschool, and that part we loved….but how were we going to make it work when the kids couldn’t even get along for a day?  We are reading scriptures and praying as a family every day, John and I are keeping our covenants the best we can, our hearts are in the right places….why can’t we control our kids and why can’t we have peace and harmony in our home? 

This was on my mind as I attended the Winter Homeschool Conference at Weber State a few months ago.  I attended a class with the DeMille family, the founders of Thomas Jefferson Education.  They were doing a question and answer panel and I was chosen to ask a question.  I told them,

“We are brand new to homeschooling and we love it, but one obstacle is that we are having trouble getting along.  Any advice?”  They had their advice, but afterwards another wiser mother came up to me and told me,

Go home and research Nicholeen Peck, “Principles of Self Government and Parenting a House United.”  Her parenting techniques have changed our whole lives….she bases everything off of principles.  I can do principles!”

So of course, I went straight home and began my research.  I have been practicing the techniques and it’s been a little miracle for our family.  FINALLY, I am able to achieve the goal that our home can be calm, peaceful, and feel like the temple.  FINALLY, I can say my kids love each other and are becoming best friends.  FINALLY I can say we are the family we have always wanted to be.  FINALLY I can say, I honestly enjoy being with my children.  They are amazing!  They are funny!  They want to be good. 

A little about Nicholeen:  Shortly after the birth of her second child in 1999, she decided to do foster care with the Utah Youth Village as a way to support her family financially and as a mother. She became a trained treatment parent, and for the next four years always had at least two youth, ages 12–18, in her home. During this time she dealt with many youth who suffered from disorders, including kleptomania, honesty issues, anger management issues, ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD, depression, suicidal tendencies, addiction, sexual perversions, and perpetration.

Nicholeen and her husband thought to themselves, “Why doesn’t EVERY parent have this information and access to these tools?”  She experienced such success with her foster children that the same year, 1999, she began receiving requests to speak at seminars and conventions about her child care methods.  She was requested to teach more classes on parenting, and in 2009 the British BBC show “World's Strictest Parents” asked her to be on their program. (You can watch this on YouTube) The episode was an instant success. According to the BBC, the episode involving the Peck family in Utah was the most watched episode in the TV series.  She’s also been voted as Utah’s Young Mother of the Year. 

Nicholeen is LDS, and she combines her knowledge of the Savior with the techniques she learned from the Utah Youth Village.  She teaches how to help your children have changed hearts, and how to be in charge of themselves.  In order to teach your children how to govern themselves, we as parents must be the examples.

As soon as I began reading her book, the first thing that came to my mind was the quote by John Taylor, the third President of the Church, when he reported:

“Some years ago, in Nauvoo, a gentleman in my hearing, a member of the Legislature, asked Joseph Smith how it was that he was enabled to govern so many people, and to preserve such perfect order; remarking at the same time that it was impossible for them to do it anywhere else. Mr. Smith remarked that it was very easy to do that. ‘How?’ responded the gentleman; ‘to us it is very difficult.’ Mr. Smith replied, ‘I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.’”³

I truly believe that these methods of parenting work because they are how the Savior would parent, and how Heavenly Father currently parents us, His children.

I was so sure about this that I did my own little research through the scriptures to support my theory.  I will write about this in a later post.  My plan is to share what I am learning with as many mothers as I can, because maybe you are struggling with the same thing I was.  And also, I could still use some support from other mothers.  Consistency is one of my hardest battles. 

I think that my days of blogging about Chloe’s recovery are drawing to a close, but now that I am armed with the knowledge of all of the skills we learned at Summit Day Treatment, The OCD clinic for Anxiety, Carol Tuttle’s Energy Profiling, and The Principles of Self Government and creating a House United, I feel compelled to share with other moms.   I want to share them because I know they actually work and I am experiencing the joy that comes from building a strong family.  I want you and your children to have that joy too.  If you are interested in joining me on this parenting journey…this is what the next blog posts will be about. 

I’m also going to hold discussion groups at my home on Mondays at 2pm starting next week.  If you are interested in joining us, you are totally welcome!  (If finding someone to watch your kids is an issue, give me a call, I don’t want that to stop you from coming.)

I’m not an expert by any means, and I’m not claiming to be.  I have a testimony that happy families can and will change the world and I am determined that all of the knowledge I’ve gained from what we have been through these past few months can be used to do some good.  Message me or leave a comment if you want to join me in this journey.