Post-Christmas Update

I am still amazed at the amount of people that read these blog entries.  This time as I write, the diversity and caliber of people who who may be reading this weighs heavily on my mind.  How is my grammar?  Am I saying anything that might offend?  I’m just a mom!  But in the end, I can’t think about those things. 

I had to remind myself that this blog is first and foremost a means to record down my thoughts, to remember how I was feeling when I am through this time of life, and to try and work out my feelings…I don’t know, I just feel compelled to write it all down, I don’t really know why.  I also don’t know why I am crazy enough to let others peek into my heart, as well as the good the bad and the ugly of our family life, yet I have felt guided to do it and for the most part it has been a positive experience. 

So if you still want to read on…I suppose this is my warning that I am tired, my feelings are raw, and my mind is swirling with thoughts that may be right on, or they may be way off track.  It is what it is, but rest assured that it will be real. 

How are we all doing with OCD treatment these days?  I think we all feel the same way:

This is hard! 

The treatment and the people are so so good, but kicking OCD is hard.  I don’t mean a little bit hard, I mean REALLY hard…the kind of hard that you see others facing and hope it will never be you.  The kind of hard that you think “I could never do that in a million years,” but then you are forced to do it and you can’t believe you are actually doing it.  The kind of hard that finds you on the bathroom floor crying your guts out in secret so that no one knows you have temporarily lost your resolve, because you know that if you lose it, others might too and you have to be strong for them.  The kind of hard that teaches you how to lean on the Lord completely and walk by faith every day.  And that’s just me, I’m sure it’s much much harder for Chloe.

It is terrible and glorious all at the same time. 

This is the first time that both John and I have tackled a huge trial with complete understanding of the Savior’s atonement and the knowledge that “We can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth us.”  It’s the first time I have solely depended on the Lord and His strength and actually trusted that it will work and that He is really there and that He will help me.  I can testify that He has, and He does and most of the time it doesn’t really feel that hard when you are lifted by your Savior. 

But I’m still just a human being…a very flawed one at that.  Unlike my rock-solid husband, sometimes my faith wavers, or my faith is strong but my mind body and spirit are just plain old tired.  My tiredness has even affected my coveted scripture study time, and instead of studying I have found a new means of comfort by listening to hymns as I study the words.  When I feel depleted this will always fill me with enough peace and strength to tackle a new day. 

I’m sure a lot of this tiredness comes from the additional demands of life lumped on top of OCD treatment.  At least one person in the family has been ill since before Thanksgiving, one after another, over and over.  Husband, children…even the two dogs and the cat have been very sick with both colds and stomach bugs.  Cleaning up vomit has become such a constant part of my daily life that I even clean up vomit and excrement in my dreams.  By some miracle I haven’t gotten sick with anything, although I like to attribute my robust immune system to a few things I am doing, which I will include in my “Favoritethings” post.

Throw in some lack of sunlight, colder temps., cabin fever and a van that keeps breaking down and I am feeling very grumpy these days – very grinchy which is sad because Christmas can be such a wonderful time, but this year it has been the worst involuntary part time job I’ve ever had.  To be honest, I’m glad Christmas is over. 

I think my problem is that with our new situation -  having stripped away everything that isn’t important and just focusing on the basics – I looked at Christmas through the lens of a new perspective and I didn’t like what I saw.  I felt that this year the Christmas hubub detracted from the Spirit of Christ in my home.  I felt like our home was more focused on the Savior before: without all of the Christmas expectations and crowds, sales, shopping and traffic, stress and wrapping paper and neighbor gifts, Christmas cards (which I didn’t do this year for the first time in….forever!) traditions, cookies, too much sugar and not enough sleep leading to bad child behavior and multiple meltdowns….oh yeah, and Santa.

After having just simplified my life a month earlier, the extra Christmas stuff was plain old hard to take in.  Thinking of a well known General Conferencetalk by Elder Uchtdorf on Simplifying…it felt like I was staying up all night to hand sew the dumb quilt that didn’t matter when really the message and the lesson should have been the focus. 

So those are my feelings about Christmas this year.  It just made things waaaay harder for me.  I’m sure if you talk to my kids they will tell you it was magical and they are so happy with their new toys and gadgets.  I on the other hand am just working on recovering from it all.  I know, “bah humbug.”

And now I am done with my rant about Christmas. 

On to Chloe’s treatment progress:  It’s frustratingly slow, like a game of chutes and ladders with slow climbing forward progress and then rapid slides backwards that take her all the way back to the bottom.  Thank goodness for the amazing people at the OCD and Anxiety TreatmentCenter.  I’m so grateful for the knowledge and tools that they are giving us, and for their support.  They “get it”…in a big way.  They all have loved ones with OCD or they have beat it themselves.  It doesn’t make it any easier but it’s very comforting to talk to others that “get it.”  I have never felt so much kindness and caring from medical professionals in my entire life.  They are exceptional.

Basically, what’s difficult is the frustration of asking and counting on an emotionally unwell hormonal pre-teen girl to do hard, hard things and walk through the fire from an already low place. 

By the time we sought outpatient treatment, we were already at the end of our rope.  I think we all mistakenly thought, “Okay, she’s in treatment now.  We can take a breath and the worst is over.  We’ve known rock bottom and everything will be uphill from here.”

Wrong.  So wrong.

I think all of us have been at that point where we thought it was all we could do just to get from point A to point B.  And then when we exhaustedly collapsed onto point B were asked to then hike uphill to point C.  That is the point where we all face a big decision, do we want to give up or do we want to dig deep and claw our way up to point C?  I think Chloe is still not so sure.  It’s hard for her to believe that she will be better when the process of walking through the fire is so unpleasant. 

Exposure therapy works by helping the sufferer approach the thoughts, or feelings that cause anxiety and trauma that they have spent their entire lives trying to avoid because of the distress they cause.  From my own gospel perspective, it’s the principle of strength and growth through opposition in action.  When faced with an uphill battle, we can choose to run and hide, stand still and don’t move, or get to work and walk through the fire.

Her counsellor likens it to physical therapy for the brain.  She has a physical illness that has weakened a part of her body, and just like a person with a spinal injury has to do the daily and unrelenting hard work, and painful, exhausting physical therapy exercises to strengthen the muscles in their body so that they can walk normally again, Chloe has to do the same thing, only she is strengthening an area of her brain. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own learning curve when it comes to walking through the fire.  It took me a long time to realize that the path to wellness and happiness always requires the hard work and facing the pain to get there.  If I want to be physically well, I have to eat the yucky vegetables and exercise my butt off.  If I want to have a solid relationship with the Lord and have the Holy Spirit to be with me, I have to put in the work through prayer, fasting, and scripture study.  If I want to have a good relationship with my spouse or children, I have to keep working at it…communicate, give them time, plan date nights and do activities together.  If I want to be mentally healthy I have to experience the processes of grief and sadness in order to heal.  Running away doesn’t work.  Standing still doesn’t work either.  Both are stifling and bring their own kind of unrelenting misery.

I look around and see so many “running away” or “standing still” shortcuts to try and escape the pain and hard work, some of which I have tried myself…the temporary highs of drugs, the misuse of food, overindulging in activities, sexual addictions and fantasies, the buzz of a smoke, the escape though alcohol, and sometimes regrettably people even chose to escape through taking their own life. 

The false happiness, or pleasure or numbness or whatever we are seeking is only temporary and the unpleasant feelings and pain will always come right back until we sometimes become dependent on those shortcuts in order to function alongside the feelings. And then they control us.

I’ve learned that conditions such as stress, loneliness, frustration, anger, shame, anxiety, and hopelessness will always be a part of life.  I can’t escape them….I could try by using shortcuts but if I want to be healthy in my mind, body and spirit then walking through the fire is always required to get to the other side.

This is what I want to tell Chloe, and anyone else who may be facing their uphill battle.  Walking through the fire hurts.  And it’s scary, and overwhelming.  But I have learned that we don’t EVER have to do it alone.  It is so much more manageable when we have an entire Godhead that intimately know us better than we even know ourselves to help us and give us strength we wouldn’t normally have on our own.     

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I ran across this scripture the other day as I have been pondering these things: 

Isaiah 43:2-4

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

 3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

 4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

But what 12 year old really knows how to apply this?  It took me over 30 years.  All I can do is continue to love her, encourage her, testify, teach and lead by example. 

All of us want happiness for those we love, and we want as little pain for them as possible. The most difficult challenge for me is being in the position where I am at odds daily with my formerly sweet and obedient daughter, because I am seen as the bad guy for forcing her to do the things I know will help her get better, but that are most unpleasant for her.  Therapy is hard work, it is boring, and painful, and scary, and exhausting.  It is hard to believe that something better is at the end of the uncomfortable process.  Helping Chloe through this process while continuing my usual life challenges has tested my parenting skills, my resolve and my role as a mother to the utmost limits. 

I may make lots of mistakes and have lots of meltdowns, vent out of frustration or even lash out in anger because I’m depleted, but rest assured I will get up every day and keep trying because I know that I have access to the powers of heaven that if accessed, will allow me to do things I never thought I could do. 

People always ask me how homeschooling is going.  I have been so surprised by this journey, and how wonderful homeschooling is.  Not to say it’s been all roses and butterflies…but homeschooling has been a mostly good experience mixed with a little bit of difficult, in comparison to Jr. High which was for us mostly difficult, mixed with a little bit of good.  I plan to post soon with more details about what we are doing.

I hope that as I keep plugging along, you can find the strength to keep plugging along too.  Thank you again to those who reach out….your support and encouragement has been just what we’ve all needed. 

Happy New Year to each of you, and we love you.