Virginia girl in a Utah world: February 2016

Hello everyone, wow did it feel good to report that Chloe had graduated from intensive outpatient therapy! We were once again flooded with love and I am determined to give it all back to you and more. As I run into people they all seem to say, "Wow, that was fast!" I have to say I am just as surprised as you are.

It felt as if we were struggling, struggling, struggling, good days sprinkled with bad days over and over, then all of a sudden....she was doing consistently great. I asked her when the turning point was and she didn't know. We determined that she just got better by degrees.

"What do you know? Exposure therapy really DID work."

I will take away this lesson for the rest of my life. So many times when I encounter a struggle I want to be better RIGHT NOW! But healing just takes time, whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. As I look back on my life, it has always been that way. It doesn't always look like anything is happening, but the efforts we are making do matter. Just as planting a garden or pulling weeds are dirty and sometimes back breaking mundane chores...they eventually yield to the harvest. What I hope to remember someday when this trial is fairly managed or I dare to hope even conquered, is that I mustn't ever lose hope. Whether it be in a few weeks, months, years, a lifetime or even after this life is over the daily efforts ARE working, and they DO matter.

I hope to apply this attitude to my newest focus which is: our family makeover, including our educational "walkabout." Chloe's health struggles unintentionally facilitated a major overhaul, but I think this is exactly what we needed for us to reach that vision and those goals that we all want for our family and what kind of family we want to be.

More on that later, but first I wanted to share some insights I learned in therapy these past weeks. Through working with the fabulous Lynne Sill, we learned that Chloe does not communicate her feelings. They build and build until something tips the scale and she explodes into a meltdown. I always thought that was an OCD behavior, and maybe it contributed to the bad habit, but once we got OCD under control it was easy to see that we had some regular behavioral and parenting work to do.

When I see her body language change, that is my cue to say something like, "Your body language is showing me that you are upset." So we worked on that. But every time I would try to get her to talk about what she was feeling she would dig in her heels and refuse to talk. Her common response would be, "It just makes it worse to talk about it because there's nothing anyone can do to change it."

Lynne worked with us on this for weeks. We started by just having her write down what she was feeling, because for some reason speaking the words was just too big of a jump after years of not communicating her feelings. We also figured out that any conversations about feelings had to be in private, away from siblings or anyone else that may be within earshot. She would text me if it wasn't possible to be alone. Slowly she started to see that if she did communicate with me, I might not be able to totally fix it, but we could brainstorm together ways to meet in the middle and at least improve certain portions of whatever was bothering her. Things are getting much better with that problem.

I would say Chloe's biggest struggle for the past few years is her thought processes. Something would trigger an anger response, and then that anger would quickly snowball into thoughts that were not even rational. We also figured out that there are some factors that will ALWAYS contribute to an out of control thought process: For Chloe, not eating, not getting enough sleep (She has major trouble sleeping) and not getting enough time away from the family doing her own thing are big contributors.

Here's an example: Its snowed and she's been stuck in the house for the day. She hasn't slept much the night before, which affects her stomach so she won't eat. Everything her siblings do all day long bug her, I bug her, she is in a constant state of "buggedness". Her dad has a work emergency and has to work all day on Saturday. She has a thought, "I didn't get to see my dad today." Instead of saying to herself, "I miss my dad" or communicating it to me, the thought immediately snowballs from "I didn't get to see my dad much today," to
"My dad is NEVER around," (which isn't true) to....
"My parents suck" to....
"I hate my life."
And just like that, she is in the gutter with only a few thoughts to get her there.

Lynne taught us a strategy to stop the thoughts that spiral out of reality, but I can't remember the name of it. Since I can't remember the name we just call it "your ABC's" Action - behavior - consequence. Here are the steps:

1. Presenting situation - we used her sister as an example. Let's say, your sister simply says "Move".

2. Thought - there are a bunch of thoughts you think at that moment. "She's been so mean today." "She's always so rude!" "I love her sometimes but when she acts like this I don't." "She must be having a bad day." Lynne used a funnel analogy. Lots of thoughts are going into your funnel, but whatever your dominant presenting emotion is, is what will come out of the bottom. Chloe's dominant presenting emotion is anger, so that is what comes out.....

3. Emotion - Raaaaar..."My sister sucks and I hate her."

4. Urge - "I'm going to retaliate by wounding with words."

5. Action - "You suck Clara, and I hate you."

6. Consequence - Relationship with sister is bad. Everyone is angry.

The goal is to stop the cycle at the thought process, and change what comes out of the funnel. It takes an enormous amount of practice, self control and awareness but we can change the way we think.

In that exercise, she could use her agency to choose to be compassionate and let "I wonder if she's having a bad day," come out of the funnel instead of an angry thought. It's good stuff! We are working on this!

Sleeping - Chloe has inherited the curse of insomnia from John's mom's side of the family. We began tackling this issue right away, as soon as we started treatment. Paul had some strategies to try:

- always go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time each day
- melatonin (replaces something that your brain may not be producing.)
- take a bath or a warm shower before bedtime
- never do anything mentally stimulating in your bed such as reading or watching tv. Make your bed only for resting and sleeping.
- Drink a warm glass of milk or some chamomile tea
- when all else fails, take a unisom or a non habit forming sleep aid

We tried those things, and she was even taking two unisom before bedtime and still laying awake all night. The next step would be pursuing sleep medication but you guys know me by now...I'm always going to seek help from my natural and holistic experts before trying medication as a last resort. But before we get to that point, Lynne taught us one more skill that we are going to try.

It's called Mind/Body Bridging. She recently went to a conference about this and experts are using it to treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There is a back story to Stanley Block,the man who developed this technique. One day he and his wife were arguing in the kitchen and it was getting pretty heated; everyone was emotional. Suddenly he thought he heard a strange humming noise coming from the refrigerator so they stopped and got really quiet to listen for the noise. They focused on the humming sound for a few minutes and then resumed their conversation, but to their surprise were no longer feeling so emotional that they couldn't work out their problem easily.

He began studying the possibility that if we concentrate on something intently, and tune into one of our 5 senses, it calms the emotions down. He turned it into a technique.

I think there might be something to that because just as Lynne used this as an example, I have found this to be true as well: When you're not thinking about the problem is when you really find the solution. Like when I am alone in the shower and it's quiet, I will get answers to things I have been pondering all day the day before.

Here are the steps to Mind/Body Bridging:

For at least 2 minutes tune into one of the 5 senses. Only pick one thing and really focus on it. The hum on fluorescent lights, the sound of a fan, the smell of breakfast in the kitchen. This is the first portion to calm down your emotions.

Then the bridging portion - in chloe's situation of not being able to sleep, she is supposed to grab a piece of paper and draw a giant circle in the middle. Write in the circle, "Why can't I fall asleep?" Write down every reason you can think of why you might not be able to sleep. Sometimes getting it all down is just what we need to stop worrying about something or to be able to let it go. See if it has an effect.

Are their any "Shoulds" that she has placed on herself? Circle everything that is a requirement and challenge each one. "What would happen if I didn't do that?" or "What would happen if it didn't work out that way?"

I don't know if it will work to help her sleep, or if she will even try it but I sure will! No more staying up all night thinking and obsessing for me!

I'm out of time for the day but I can't wait to fill everyone in on the good, bad and ugly of our family make-over journey. Until then, we are going to enjoy our first week of only one trip in to the clinic in Centerville....woo hoo! What will we do with all of our extra time????

Love to all,

Molly