"Baptismaversary"

Every May 4th I take a moment to reflect on the moment where at the age of 17 I took the biggest, and what at the time seemed to be the craziest-yet-felt-so-right leap of faith of my life.

Unlike most decisions I made as a teenager, this one happened to be the smartest and the one that mattered most.  The one decision that changed the entire course of my future, or rather, righted my course.  

I do not believe there has been a moment since when I have seriously doubted this decision, and I can say for a surety that I am on the path where I am supposed to be.  

As a token of my gratitude, I promised Heavenly Father that I would always bear my testimony around this date every year.  I have always done it in sacrament meeting, but tonight I couldn't sleep.  And after tossing and turning for a few hours I finally decided to ask Heavenly Father what it is that I should be doing instead of sleeping.  He told me to write this post.  

Baptism - From a Greek word meaning to immerse.  Symbolizes death, burial, and resurrection 

When I read that, I couldn't help but draw the parallel to my own life.  

That old person became a new person that day.  

Here she is, fresh out of the water.  Clean inside and out. 

A teenaged girl without a clue of what lies ahead, but knowing in her heart she did something that pleased her Heavenly Father, and that He would be with her if she stayed close to Him.  

She knew she had a LOT to learn.

There were miracles that day.  

One was given to poor Brother Fisher who had to deliver the news to me that I was to wear a....

gasp.....

hideous white zip-up jumpsuit.

The one baptism I had seen before, the little girl had a beautiful white lace dress on.  I somehow had it in my mind that this was what the ward would be providing me.  

Nevermind the fact that I had the ugliest hairstyle known to man at the time with the back half of my head shaved.  Or that I was frump girl.  

Or that I was about to commit myself to the biggest lifestyle change ever. 

All of that was okay, but wearing a jumpsuit?  That was the deal breaker?  

It seems so asinine to me now!

But to me back them....I flat out told him I wouldn't do it.  

He looked completely stumped as to what to do.  

I do remember feeling a twinge of guilt as I saw the panic in his eyes.   It looked something like "How in the world am I going to talk sense into this convoluted teenaged girl?"

I really don't remember how he got me to do it.  I know that he sent sisters to go look through the church cabinets and see if there was anything else I could wear.  There wasn't.

I think that was perhaps the final test of faith before the big leap.  Whatever it was, I had been pretty firm so it was a miracle that he changed my mind.  

Second miracle:

I know everyone thinks this, but I had the best missionaries for me.  They always knew the right things to say and the right way to say it.  They always made me feel loved and calm.  I think everyone has a special bond with the missionaries that committed them to baptism.  

I knew that I could take this big step if they were there with me.  

I remember talking to them about setting a baptism date on Saturday, because I had school during the week.  I chose the Saturday before Mother's Day because I thought it would be a nice way to honor my mother, and also my dear mentor Sister Huntzinger who had allowed me to have the missionary discussions in her home, and whose son baptized me, was going to be out of town for the next few weeks so we had to do it after she got back.

Either it was a very lucky coincidence, or I was beginning to recognize and follow promptings from the Spirit already, but I started to get this terrible feeling about doing the baptism on that day.  I just knew it had to be sooner.  

It made no sense, and it was a date change that was going to leave out Sister H.....one of the most pivotal characters in my personal conversion, so I felt ridiculous as I called Elder Jasinski and told him, 

"I don't know why but I think I need to do it the 4th instead."

 He was like, "okay whatever you want."  And it was set.  

The Huntzingers graciously planned a reception for me at their home and invited ward members to attend even though Sister Huntzinger wasn't even able to be there because she was out of town!

Have I ever told you "I'm sorry!" Sister Huntzinger?  

(Whether I have or not, I know I've already been forgiven because that's just how she is.)

The day of my baptism interview, Elder J. approached me with a sick look on his face.  He was going to be transferred to a new area.  He had tried to get permission to stay a little longer but they said he had to go....like right now.  

This was me:

Like I said, I couldn't imagine doing this without him there to support me.  It mattered so so so much.  It was really hard news to take.  

So now I felt really dumb because I moved the date up for what seemed like no reason, and neither Sister H. or Elder J. could be there.  

I was super bummed, but took comfort in the fact that my beautiful mother was going to be there and support me, even though she didn't agree with my decision.  That was a huge act of love on her part and it meant so much.  

Here's a copy of the program:

See how Elder Jasinski's name was crossed out and some new Elder had to replace him?  

So sad.

The young women in our ward came and signed my program for me.  I am still friends with most of them now.  They are special, special daughters of God.

So here's the miracle part:  I was just heading into the font full of butterflies of nervousness and excitement and someone whispered to me,

"Molly look....Elder Jasinski is here!"

He made it. 

I felt calm.  I felt happy.  I felt so loved and touched.

It was the first tender mercy I have ever recognized at the moment it happened and I knew it was a token of love from my Heavenly Father and from my special missionary.  It was a very special gift, because Heavenly Father knew how much it mattered to me.

I found out later Elder J. had convinced a member of his new ward to drive him several hours back to Fredericksburg for my baptism, then he had to immediately return.  

But he was there!

I wish I could describe in words how clean I felt after I came up out of the water.  I felt so good and clean on the inside....cleaner than I had ever remembered feeling.  

It was a new start and I knew it.  

It felt so good.  

So many members of my home ward were there to support me.  I had gone from a pretty lonely girl to an explosion of love and people excited for me, interested in me, looking out for me.  That also felt so good and going to church with them each week felt like home.  I loved going to church.

And guess what, I still do!  I still get a clean feeling after I take the sacrament each week, but nothing like that very first time at baptism.  It was special.  

Here's a section of my baptism certificate.  It's special to me because it is signed by my very special Bishop at the time: Bishop Billy Moore.  He did a lot to help me on my way and was a wonderful father figure to me at a time when I had no father present in my life.  I wasn't the only one he impacted - everyone loved him.  Sadly, he passed away in a tragic car accident a few years after this day.  I'm so glad I have his signature on this very special paper of mine.  

Sadly, the spiritual and reverent feeling after my baptism didn't last long.  Not having Sister H. to help me proved to be a sad thing in more ways than one.

Preparing for my baptism alone, I forgot to bring one important undergarment item:

dry underpants.

It hit me as I was getting changed in the bathroom outside the font.  

I panicked,

"What do I do?  Everyone is waiting for me to come out...."  I flapped them around a few times as if that would dry them out.  I tried putting them back on but I knew they would leave a huge wet spot on my dress.  Finally, I resigned to the fact that I was just going to have to go commando.

I wish receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost had been a memorable moment for me because of how spiritual it was.  I wanted to feel a whooosh or an "aha" moment or something letting me know that now I had the greatest gift of all, the constant presence of a member of the Godhead.  

Instead, I was fretting about the fact that I had no underpants on, and hoping no one could tell.

 Me with Elder Wilkinson at the reception in the Huntzinger home.

Don't worry, my friend Rachel Huntzinger let me borrow a pair of underwear once we got to her house.  That was awesome confessing to her what had happened.

 

 I'm sure you wanted to know that.  

I suppose that is just how my life is always going to be.  Lots of mistakes mixed with important spiritual and life defining moments.  Hopefully a little humor to deflect the mistakes.  Hopefully a little reverence and awe of what my Heavenly Father has done for me.

To try and express to my Heavenly Father how grateful I am would be impossible.  I still tell Him almost every day.  I try to show him by the way I live my life. 

I have been fortunate enough to be born with the spiritual gift of always knowing that Jesus Christ is my Savior.  Even though we weren't a super churchy family growing up, I can't remember a time I didn't know that Jesus Christ is my brother and that He loves me.  

Miracle #3

That love for Him stuck with me across the veil into this earthly life and has gotten me through some pretty tough times.  Some of my first memories as a child are looking up into the clouds and talking to my Savior.  How could I have even known that?  Without that gift, I don't know that I would have been as drawn to His restored church as I was.  

Because of that gift, I know that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints 

I am home.  

The Popcorn Theory

I had been feeling aimless.  

I assume it was because after years of serving my heart out in church callings that required lots of time and energy, I have developed a NEED for service to be a part of my daily living in order to be happy.  

And now that I am enjoying a respite from required service, I get to choose where I put my time and energy outside of my family and daily activities. Only I wasn't quite sure where I would be most needed. 

So I know it wasn't a coincidence that just as I was feeling this way,  I happened to watch "The Blind Side" again with my kids. 

I was once again inspired by the story of the Tuohy family and how small things can turn into huge blessings.  I was so inspired that I actually looked them up on the internet to find out more, and did you know that they wrote a book?

So did Michael Oher

 So of course, I had to read the Tuohy's book.  In the book they talk about cheerful giving and how it has changed their lives.  

In an interview they were asked,

" Q: In the book, you sum up your philosophy of giving in “The Popcorn Theory.” Tell us more about that.

A: The Popcorn Theory is about noticing others. It’s about seeing, not turning away from the immediacy of someone in need. It starts with recognizing a fellow soul by the roadside-even if he doesn’t seem to belong in your lovely red brick neighborhood and he is the biggest damn piece of popcorn you ever saw and his problems seem too immense to take on. It’s about assigning that person value, and potential. Like popcorn, you don’t know which kernel’s gonna pop. They just show up. It’s not hard to spot ‘em. The Popcorn Theory goes like this: “You can’t help everyone, but you can try to help the hot ones who pop right up in front of your face.”

Q: What if I don’t have many resources? How can I be a cheerful giver without a bunch of extra money?

A: Too often we think we lack the means to improve someone’s lot. We’re wrong. The Popcorn Theory doesn’t require you to write a large-scale check, or to take a hungry boy with eyes like leaping flames into your household. But it does require that you perceive the person standing right in front of you, and extend a hand in kindness. (Courtesy of the Tuohy Foundation)

With this need inside of me to be involved in serving others, the Popcorn Theory seemed like a good place to start.  I thought, "I'll just pray about it and wait and see what pops up in front of me."

I was not expecting what popped up next:

The faces of these Ugandan children.  

Beautiful, capable, special children loved every bit as much by their parents and God as yours and mine are.  

So you may be thinking,

 "Why in the world would a stay at home mom from South Weber Utah have Ugandan children just pop up in front of her?"

This is John's brother Steve and his wife Tracy. 

 They have been a big brother and sister / mentors / friends  to John and me since I married into the family 20 years ago.  We love them so much.  

And we miss them desperately as they serve and preside over the Uganda Kampala Mission.  

Since they left last year, our family hangs on their every word as they write home about their adventures and experiences serving the saints and missionaries in Rwanda, Ethiopia, Uganda and South Sudan.  

They have opened up my eyes, and my children's eyes to a whole new world, and a good chunk of the Collings family has been preparing to visit them sometime within the next year or so.  

We have discussed how we don't just want to vacation, but also take the time to serve while we are there.  The "Jigger Project" has been on our to-do list of something to do during our visit.  

But with the Popcorn Theory at the forefront of my mind, I'm realizing that we can do so much more than just show up and help.  It wouldn't be that big of a deal to bring badly needed supplies, or donate the simple $12 that is needed per child, or donate some used clothing.  Without much effort we can share our resources to help out in a really worthy cause.  

What is the "Jigger Project"?  

Spearheaded by Sister Apondi, the wife of a bishop in the Kampala stake, this project helps provide school children with badly needed shoes, and volunteers provide them with health care by cleaning their wounds and removing the chigoe flea and eggs from infected hands and feet.  

As a mother, this really gets to me.  

I don't like to see my children or any children suffering

and I HATE bugs.  

Bugs that infest the skin of children and cause them to suffer because they don't have shoes or supplies?  

If my child gets a cut, I can go to my cabinet and give them a bandaid in seconds.  If they need shoes I can get them very easily.  In fact, we probably have too many shoes.  

It goes beyond pulling at my heartstrings,

it stirs up something from deep within my soul that motivates me to action.  

I can do something here.  

We can do something, and it wouldn't take something huge, 

just a few of us grabbing an extra few boxes of bandaids or soap during our next trip to the store. 

 

(An example of the parasite eggs that are removed)

The last time my sister-in-law participated, there were over 90 school children waiting in line before they even arrived.  

 So as I have been telling my friends about this, I'm realizing others want to help too.  

After contacting Sister Apondi, here's what we are collecting to take over with us:

Thank you to those who want to participate!  

and also to those who already have.  

We will be leaving a box on our front porch for any donation items, feel free to message me if you need my address.  

If you prefer to donate funds, we have created a gofundme account called: 

Uganda Service Project

Click Here

Those of you who know us know that 100% of your donations will go towards this service project.  

Here is my challenge to you - 

It's okay if this cause does not resonate with you, 

but

put the Popcorn Theory to the test and see what pops up in front of you. 

Try it! 

I have already experienced immense satisfaction from the small part that I have played,

I have no doubt that you will too as you reach outside of yourself and give cheerfully!

Much love,

Molly

January Faves

Pinterest printables:

I used these to make Sicily's Valentines:

Kool Valentine

And these for Carter's:

I love free printables.  

I also made treats for the ladies I visit teach, and my trek kids.  These are the printables I used:

Super cute!

I stuffed them with the most delicious snack mix known to man.  

(In my humble opinion)

Once I start, it's as addictive as crack cocaine and I cannot stop.  

Here's the recipe I used from Cooking Classy

Other Favorites:

I will read anything if it is written by Sheri Dew - ANYTHING! 

She doesn't know it yet but she's my adopted sister.  

It was a good book because Sheri wrote it, maybe more written for those who haven't already formed their own testimony about a woman's role in the priesthood.  My testimony on that is solid, so I didn't really read anything new.  However, if you have any issues with this issue - call me and we'll talk! 

or

read this book!

photo courtesy of the odysseyonline

I'm addicted.  I started binge watching when I was sick with morning sickness, not realizing that there are 8 seasons - with over 20 episodes per season.  

I also remembered where it was that I first fell in love with Milo Ventimiglia.  

The girls and I watch it together.  It sparks a lot of good conversations but mostly we can't help but notice the similarities between Lorelai's personality and mine vs. Lukes personality and John.  And all of the similarities between the small town Star's Hollow characters and our own South Weber characters.  Delightful.

I may have already posted this one in a favorites.  It's still my favorite.

I don't like to eat in the morning because my stomach feels weird and not hungry.

This is not too sweet with milk and fills me up enough to take my pills so that I can eat breakfast later when I'm ready.  

It also is an incentive for me to get up in the morning when I'm cold.  

I eat it with the only gluten free toast I can stand:

I eat it while I'm watching Gilmore Girls and drinking my hot cocoa, all wrapped up in the new electric blanket my mother in law gave me for Christmas.  

It's the little joys that are making this winter bearable.  

Sometimes Life "LIFES" you.

It's been a while since I've written anything.  

For the first time in my life, I think I haven't felt like saying anything.  And also wasn't at liberty to say things until now. 

To quote my 90 year old friend Glenna,

"Sometimes life just LIFES you."

(Yes, I just made life a verb.)  

I think life LIFED me this year.

Or maybe just chewed me up and spit me out.

Here's the brief recap for those who don't know:

We thought we were going to move back east, but now we aren't.  

A bunch of bad stuff happened, but it turned out okay.

John is now the new Director of Manufacturing at Varex Imaging in Salt Lake City.  

And we are for sure - not moving.  Hooray!

For those who want details, and for my own personal records:

I.

In May of last year, John was approached by a former coworker/mentor about a job opportunity in.....

New Jersey.  Gasp!

A director position to boot.  He saw something in my husband and wanted him on his team.

Totally blindsided me.  

After building our new home and finally feeling settled in our new neighborhood and ward, I didn't see that one coming.  I thought, "if we move, will my blog then become 

Virginia girl in a Utah world....ooops, now we are in New Jersey?"

How can I leave my beloved South Weber?  South Weber is my little bit of heaven on earth, our safe place.  The people here have loved me and mentored me and sheltered me....We have friends that just as well might be family.  How can we move back east after my mom just left her entire life in Virginia to come be with us?  How can we leave John's family?

I just can't do it.  

This is what I thought at first.  But as we learned more I understood what a wonderful opportunity this was for my husband's career, and possibly for our family.  

So I began to pray like I've never prayed before.  

I prayed that I could understand what God's will was for us, then align ourselves in that direction. 

I fasted, went to the temple, fasted and prayed some more. 

I have learned that sometimes things in the business world take a loooooong time.  This was the case with this position, so we continued forward with our busy summer.  

John would occasionally have phone interviews, then another, then another.  Each one leaving us with a good feeling about this new opportunity.  It was looking like it was going to happen.

John and I went on Pioneer Trek, then I turned around and directed Girls' Camp the following week.  

It was a busy but spiritually rich month, and I finally felt at peace with whatever happened with the New Jersey job.  

That was when I was hit with the first blow.  

II.

Imagine putting your whole heart and soul into a calling, and into the precious souls you serve.  

Imagine doing your very best,  even when you are exhausted and stressed...but still digging down deep to give that 110% to those you are serving, even at the expense of your own family.

Then imagine that those efforts are misinterpreted, and you are accused of something horrible despite your honorable intentions.  

That is what happened to me.

And my heart broke into a million pieces.  

It's like I worked for a half a year to bake a beautiful and special cake for someone, ignoring my children, shopping for the very best ingredients, researching the very best recipe, studying cakes every day, learning how to decorate so that it could be the most beautiful offering I could give.  

Then when I finally give the anticipated cake, I guess I at least expected a little gratitude or some acknowledgement for my efforts and hard work.  

For the most part, I did.

But then someone criticized how I decorated the cake.  And it overshadowed the compliments because I had worked so hard to decorate it perfectly.  

And if that wasn't enough, 

then someone accused me of trying to put poison in the cake when I didn't.  

And I tried to tell them I didn't but they insisted that I put poison in there, whether or not I meant to.

Then they told others I put poison in the cake and they got upset.

And suddenly I was the bad guy for trying to make this beautiful cake the way I tried to make it.  

And I got in trouble with the cake company for giving a poisoned cake to people.  

I can't explain the details but that is what my summer was like.  

I cannot even describe the turmoil I experienced. 

Devastating feelings:  hurt, anger, sorrow, grief, horror, falsely accused, unappreciated, picked on...I would try to explain my side but it didn't matter.  I tried to make restitution but was met with a stone wall.  It was one of the most terrible things I have ever experienced.  

And in the midst of that turmoil, my stepfather passed away from cancer.  

Cancer, the same horrible disease that took my father, uncle and grandparents.

My stepfather  raised me from the time I was nine and was a grandfather to my children up until he left us for his new honey just after Carter was born. 

I had tried to reach out to him since then, but it wasn't reciprocated and we had become estranged.

So when he passed away and his new wife revealed in the obituary that he apparently had another family with children that he was dedicated to and loved, and they all thought he was amazing.... WHILE he was supposed to be my stepfather and dedicated to our family.  

It was a lot of hurt to deal with, mixed with grief.  

And a tall order for an already broken heart to tackle.  

I shed lots and lots of tears in 2016.

III.

So like I usually do, I sought refuge in the temple.  There is something so comforting and healing about going to the temple.

In the temple I began taking the steps to let all of the horrible feelings go.  I took steps to heal.  And I took steps to get answers about our impending move.  Before going to the temple I was guided to a talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins called "Nevertheless I Went Forth". 

In the talk, he said the following:

"In our married life, Christy and I have found that assurance for critical life-impacting decisions can be communicated through the scriptures, often after temple worship.

For example, after much pondering and prayer, we decided to abandon our new dream home in Dallas, accept a job transfer, and move with six young children to Beijing. But we desperately desired spiritual confirmation for such a momentous move. Divine assurance did come to us, in the temple, as we read these words in the Doctrine and Covenants: “It is my will that you should . . . tarry not many days in this place; . . . think not of thy property. Go unto the eastern lands.”16 The voice of Jesus Christ in the scriptures, accompanied by powerful feelings from the Holy Ghost, unquestionably confirmed that our decision to move to China was right."

Inspired by this talk, I decided to try the reading-scriptures-in-the-celestial-room-to-get-answers method.  I prayed that we would know what to do.  I opened the scriptures and immediately read in Doctrine and Covenants.  I can't find it now, but it said to "go back east."

That was enough for me.

By August when we flew back to New Jersey for a face-to-face interview, I was ready for a fresh start and thanks to my experience in the temple was feeling 100% ready to tackle this move/new adventure.

We got a real estate agent and looked at homes, we found the perfect little commuter town outside of Philadelphia, I toured the high school and met the girls' potential future teachers.  

Everything felt good, and it seemed to be falling into place.  

John liked the company, they liked him.  It seemed like a great fit, an amazing opportunity and seemed to be a done deal.  

More waiting ensued.

IV.

School was about to start, and we had an impending move hanging over our heads.  We were ready to go, we just needed the formal offer to pull the trigger.  

No word came.  

Lots of frustration on my part.

School started, but I didn't want to enroll the kids if we were just going to move any day now....

I didn't sign them up in any sports or activities, Chloe and Sicily wanted to start school regardless,but the others continued with homeschool.  

More waiting.  

SO frustrating!

Finally we got word with an explanation for the holdup.  The company was being purchased by a larger company and hiring has been brought to a standstill.  They still want John for the job, but their hands are tied until the new company takes over.  Could we revisit things in January?

At this point I was happy to just have an answer with a sort of timeline.  

Carter started school, while Clara continued to finish the semester doing homeschool.  

V.

It ended up being a really good thing we didn't move because I started to get sick, REALLY sick.  

I had skipped periods, I was tired, I was sweaty and hormonal and oily.  I legitimately thought I was going through menopause.  

One night I suddenly woke up at 2am KNOWING in my heart of hearts what was wrong with me...

Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!  

Wait....I'm pregnant?  You mean after all of those years feeling like there was one more little spirit that needed to be with our family, trying and trying with no results...having an awful early miscarriage the day we moved into our new house...and finally deciding to get rid of our baby stuff and move on....NOW we get pregnant unexpectedly and just before a huge life change?  

Oh boy.

It took some time to wrap our brains around it.  In the meantime Sicily got very ill.  So ill it was scary, and really sad.

In the midst of my throwing up and nausea we spent a night in the Emergency Room doing tests, and finally she had surgery to remove her appendix.  Seeing my children suffer is really hard for me.  Just as my heart was beginning to heal, it was getting tugged at again with the fear, anxiety, and compassion as I watched her suffer without being able to help her.  Thankfully, she made a full recovery after a very terrible week.

I was ready for things to return to normal again.

Less than a few weeks later I got a call from the school:  Carter had fallen off the monkey bars and badly broken his arm.  I rushed to the office to find my son in shock, with his bones sticking in places they shouldn't.  More fear and anxiety, more racing to the ER.  More watching my child suffer and there's nothing I can do about it.  

With the awful pregnancy sickness, I was physically lower than I had ever been.  My heart was trying to mend but continued to be torn apart over and over again!  I was feeling pretty low but still trying to be positive.  

 It was really hard on the kids and John having mom be down every single day for months on end.  I couldn't even sleep at night because the sickness was so intense.  "It will all be worth it when I hold my new baby," I told myself over and over.  We all tried to heal as we rode out mom's extreme morning sickness and headed towards the Holiday season. 

VI. 

My first trimester passed and everything was looking good.  Now that we were in the clear, we could finally tell people about the pregnancy, the sickness, and why I had disappeared from the face of the earth.  

My baby bump was emerging, necessitating maternity clothes.  I had such a fun time buying them again!  After a terrible summer, the pregnancy brought our family so much joy despite the sickness.  All the family could talk about was a.  the move to PA and b. the new baby.  Would it be a boy or a girl?  The kids fought over who got to share a room with the new baby.  We chose names:
Sadie Ann  after my grandmother for a girl.
Sawyer David after John's dad, and family friend "Daddy David" if it was a boy.
We couldn't wait to welcome this new little brother or sister into our family.  

Just before Thanksgiving, I started feeling better.  I was still nauseated but could do more things and be up on my feet.  I started to feel the baby move which is always fun.   I went in for a routine ultrasound for my second trimester.  Sicily came with me because I thought it would be a simple in and out visit.  

Sadly, the baby had passed due to a neurotubal defect.  It was another difficult blow:  emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  I will say that I had spiritual experiences that left me with the comfort, peace and assurance that this was the plan, and that it would be alright.  Nevertheless, the process of returning to normal has been in slow increments.  

I carried the baby for a week before having my Dilation and Curettage procedure to remove the fetus, which we now know was a girl.  

I experienced post-partum symptoms without taking my baby home from the hospital.  

Adding insult to injury, I got food poisoning during my recovery and felt like I was literally at death's door.  I don't think I've ever been that low.

It's been a fight to work my way back to normal.  

First I had to work on getting out of bed each day,

then I was able to make it a day without crying, 

then I was able to smile again,

then I was able to laugh again,

(Going on a week long vacation to DisneyWorld didn't hurt!)

pretty soon I was starting to feel more normal.  I'm not there yet, but I think it's around the corner.  

I'm sure I will have much more to write about the experience when I've processed everything.

VII.

If anyone ever understood what it means to have a "broken heart and a contrite spirit" it's me this year. I have sought counsel and comfort from the scriptures, good music, going to the temple and the words of the living prophets.   

Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying

and

Hope Ya Know We Had a Hard Time 

are talks that have been especially cherished.

I have also gained a lot of comfort and knowledge from an Ensign article called 

"About Trauma."  

It has a lot of great insight for people who have experienced any kind of traumatic event in their lives.   Or in  my case, multiple consecutive events.  The article led me to my new favorite scripture:

Isaiah 61:1-33

1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaimliberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

I felt like the words of the Isaiah verses spoke directly to me and described exactly how I felt - 

"the oil of joy for mourning"

"the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness"

Isn't that beautiful?  

It was at this very vulnerable place that we finally got the call from the job in New Jersey.  The new company had filled the position with their own person.  It was no longer available.  

Part of me was relieved, but mostly I was totally confused.  

I was sad for the lost opportunity that I had convinced myself was right and had spent half a year preparing for.  

Why were we directed to pursue that position when it inevitably didn't work out?

Is there something wrong with my ability to receive revelation?

Heavenly Father doesn't lie, but does he trick people?

What's the deal?

I have had some dark days, full of questioning, complaining and lots of murmuring.

This year really threw me for a loop.

The answers didn't come immediately, but they have come and are coming. I plan to write more about this in greater detail in an upcoming post.  

I think of the song, "As the Dew from Heaven Distilling" and how the Lord blesses us bit by bit.  

This Ensign article about Dew is AMAZING.  Read it!

The Dews From Heaven

Bit by bit I'm getting stronger, moving forward, and the light is returning.  

VIII.

Soooooo......we are not moving back east.  We get to enjoy our new home and new neighborhood, and our wonderful little community which is helping me raise my children one day at a time.  

All of the kids are back in school now, enjoying their friends and good, caring teachers.  We are surrounded by believers of the same faith, something I have grown used to and am beginning to see that it is the perfect environment for me.  

There is a comfort and safety to being in the midst of the fold.  

We are truly, very blessed.

As luck would have it, just a week or so after the job closed in New Jersey, John was given a new position at his current company.  It is a director position, the same position and opportunity he was recruited for back east.  It was totally unexpected but as his wife, I believe well deserved.
I have no doubt he will enjoy this fresh, and new challenge and make the company better.

We also know for a surety that I will not be giving birth to more children.  It is a relief to have that chapter of our lives finally close, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter for our little family.  

There has been lots of pain and sorrow this year, but also much joy and peace.
I am so grateful for the faith that has sustained us.

Dear friends, you have no idea how many of you have touched us - given us words of comfort at just the right time and in just the right place.  We will forever be grateful.
We consider it an honor to be your friends and neighbors and hope that we can return the love that you have shown us.
We love you.