Sometimes Life "LIFES" you.

It's been a while since I've written anything.  

For the first time in my life, I think I haven't felt like saying anything.  And also wasn't at liberty to say things until now. 

To quote my 90 year old friend Glenna,

"Sometimes life just LIFES you."

(Yes, I just made life a verb.)  

I think life LIFED me this year.

Or maybe just chewed me up and spit me out.

Here's the brief recap for those who don't know:

We thought we were going to move back east, but now we aren't.  

A bunch of bad stuff happened, but it turned out okay.

John is now the new Director of Manufacturing at Varex Imaging in Salt Lake City.  

And we are for sure - not moving.  Hooray!

For those who want details, and for my own personal records:

I.

In May of last year, John was approached by a former coworker/mentor about a job opportunity in.....

New Jersey.  Gasp!

A director position to boot.  He saw something in my husband and wanted him on his team.

Totally blindsided me.  

After building our new home and finally feeling settled in our new neighborhood and ward, I didn't see that one coming.  I thought, "if we move, will my blog then become 

Virginia girl in a Utah world....ooops, now we are in New Jersey?"

How can I leave my beloved South Weber?  South Weber is my little bit of heaven on earth, our safe place.  The people here have loved me and mentored me and sheltered me....We have friends that just as well might be family.  How can we move back east after my mom just left her entire life in Virginia to come be with us?  How can we leave John's family?

I just can't do it.  

This is what I thought at first.  But as we learned more I understood what a wonderful opportunity this was for my husband's career, and possibly for our family.  

So I began to pray like I've never prayed before.  

I prayed that I could understand what God's will was for us, then align ourselves in that direction. 

I fasted, went to the temple, fasted and prayed some more. 

I have learned that sometimes things in the business world take a loooooong time.  This was the case with this position, so we continued forward with our busy summer.  

John would occasionally have phone interviews, then another, then another.  Each one leaving us with a good feeling about this new opportunity.  It was looking like it was going to happen.

John and I went on Pioneer Trek, then I turned around and directed Girls' Camp the following week.  

It was a busy but spiritually rich month, and I finally felt at peace with whatever happened with the New Jersey job.  

That was when I was hit with the first blow.  

II.

Imagine putting your whole heart and soul into a calling, and into the precious souls you serve.  

Imagine doing your very best,  even when you are exhausted and stressed...but still digging down deep to give that 110% to those you are serving, even at the expense of your own family.

Then imagine that those efforts are misinterpreted, and you are accused of something horrible despite your honorable intentions.  

That is what happened to me.

And my heart broke into a million pieces.  

It's like I worked for a half a year to bake a beautiful and special cake for someone, ignoring my children, shopping for the very best ingredients, researching the very best recipe, studying cakes every day, learning how to decorate so that it could be the most beautiful offering I could give.  

Then when I finally give the anticipated cake, I guess I at least expected a little gratitude or some acknowledgement for my efforts and hard work.  

For the most part, I did.

But then someone criticized how I decorated the cake.  And it overshadowed the compliments because I had worked so hard to decorate it perfectly.  

And if that wasn't enough, 

then someone accused me of trying to put poison in the cake when I didn't.  

And I tried to tell them I didn't but they insisted that I put poison in there, whether or not I meant to.

Then they told others I put poison in the cake and they got upset.

And suddenly I was the bad guy for trying to make this beautiful cake the way I tried to make it.  

And I got in trouble with the cake company for giving a poisoned cake to people.  

I can't explain the details but that is what my summer was like.  

I cannot even describe the turmoil I experienced. 

Devastating feelings:  hurt, anger, sorrow, grief, horror, falsely accused, unappreciated, picked on...I would try to explain my side but it didn't matter.  I tried to make restitution but was met with a stone wall.  It was one of the most terrible things I have ever experienced.  

And in the midst of that turmoil, my stepfather passed away from cancer.  

Cancer, the same horrible disease that took my father, uncle and grandparents.

My stepfather  raised me from the time I was nine and was a grandfather to my children up until he left us for his new honey just after Carter was born. 

I had tried to reach out to him since then, but it wasn't reciprocated and we had become estranged.

So when he passed away and his new wife revealed in the obituary that he apparently had another family with children that he was dedicated to and loved, and they all thought he was amazing.... WHILE he was supposed to be my stepfather and dedicated to our family.  

It was a lot of hurt to deal with, mixed with grief.  

And a tall order for an already broken heart to tackle.  

I shed lots and lots of tears in 2016.

III.

So like I usually do, I sought refuge in the temple.  There is something so comforting and healing about going to the temple.

In the temple I began taking the steps to let all of the horrible feelings go.  I took steps to heal.  And I took steps to get answers about our impending move.  Before going to the temple I was guided to a talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins called "Nevertheless I Went Forth". 

In the talk, he said the following:

"In our married life, Christy and I have found that assurance for critical life-impacting decisions can be communicated through the scriptures, often after temple worship.

For example, after much pondering and prayer, we decided to abandon our new dream home in Dallas, accept a job transfer, and move with six young children to Beijing. But we desperately desired spiritual confirmation for such a momentous move. Divine assurance did come to us, in the temple, as we read these words in the Doctrine and Covenants: “It is my will that you should . . . tarry not many days in this place; . . . think not of thy property. Go unto the eastern lands.”16 The voice of Jesus Christ in the scriptures, accompanied by powerful feelings from the Holy Ghost, unquestionably confirmed that our decision to move to China was right."

Inspired by this talk, I decided to try the reading-scriptures-in-the-celestial-room-to-get-answers method.  I prayed that we would know what to do.  I opened the scriptures and immediately read in Doctrine and Covenants.  I can't find it now, but it said to "go back east."

That was enough for me.

By August when we flew back to New Jersey for a face-to-face interview, I was ready for a fresh start and thanks to my experience in the temple was feeling 100% ready to tackle this move/new adventure.

We got a real estate agent and looked at homes, we found the perfect little commuter town outside of Philadelphia, I toured the high school and met the girls' potential future teachers.  

Everything felt good, and it seemed to be falling into place.  

John liked the company, they liked him.  It seemed like a great fit, an amazing opportunity and seemed to be a done deal.  

More waiting ensued.

IV.

School was about to start, and we had an impending move hanging over our heads.  We were ready to go, we just needed the formal offer to pull the trigger.  

No word came.  

Lots of frustration on my part.

School started, but I didn't want to enroll the kids if we were just going to move any day now....

I didn't sign them up in any sports or activities, Chloe and Sicily wanted to start school regardless,but the others continued with homeschool.  

More waiting.  

SO frustrating!

Finally we got word with an explanation for the holdup.  The company was being purchased by a larger company and hiring has been brought to a standstill.  They still want John for the job, but their hands are tied until the new company takes over.  Could we revisit things in January?

At this point I was happy to just have an answer with a sort of timeline.  

Carter started school, while Clara continued to finish the semester doing homeschool.  

V.

It ended up being a really good thing we didn't move because I started to get sick, REALLY sick.  

I had skipped periods, I was tired, I was sweaty and hormonal and oily.  I legitimately thought I was going through menopause.  

One night I suddenly woke up at 2am KNOWING in my heart of hearts what was wrong with me...

Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!  

Wait....I'm pregnant?  You mean after all of those years feeling like there was one more little spirit that needed to be with our family, trying and trying with no results...having an awful early miscarriage the day we moved into our new house...and finally deciding to get rid of our baby stuff and move on....NOW we get pregnant unexpectedly and just before a huge life change?  

Oh boy.

It took some time to wrap our brains around it.  In the meantime Sicily got very ill.  So ill it was scary, and really sad.

In the midst of my throwing up and nausea we spent a night in the Emergency Room doing tests, and finally she had surgery to remove her appendix.  Seeing my children suffer is really hard for me.  Just as my heart was beginning to heal, it was getting tugged at again with the fear, anxiety, and compassion as I watched her suffer without being able to help her.  Thankfully, she made a full recovery after a very terrible week.

I was ready for things to return to normal again.

Less than a few weeks later I got a call from the school:  Carter had fallen off the monkey bars and badly broken his arm.  I rushed to the office to find my son in shock, with his bones sticking in places they shouldn't.  More fear and anxiety, more racing to the ER.  More watching my child suffer and there's nothing I can do about it.  

With the awful pregnancy sickness, I was physically lower than I had ever been.  My heart was trying to mend but continued to be torn apart over and over again!  I was feeling pretty low but still trying to be positive.  

 It was really hard on the kids and John having mom be down every single day for months on end.  I couldn't even sleep at night because the sickness was so intense.  "It will all be worth it when I hold my new baby," I told myself over and over.  We all tried to heal as we rode out mom's extreme morning sickness and headed towards the Holiday season. 

VI. 

My first trimester passed and everything was looking good.  Now that we were in the clear, we could finally tell people about the pregnancy, the sickness, and why I had disappeared from the face of the earth.  

My baby bump was emerging, necessitating maternity clothes.  I had such a fun time buying them again!  After a terrible summer, the pregnancy brought our family so much joy despite the sickness.  All the family could talk about was a.  the move to PA and b. the new baby.  Would it be a boy or a girl?  The kids fought over who got to share a room with the new baby.  We chose names:
Sadie Ann  after my grandmother for a girl.
Sawyer David after John's dad, and family friend "Daddy David" if it was a boy.
We couldn't wait to welcome this new little brother or sister into our family.  

Just before Thanksgiving, I started feeling better.  I was still nauseated but could do more things and be up on my feet.  I started to feel the baby move which is always fun.   I went in for a routine ultrasound for my second trimester.  Sicily came with me because I thought it would be a simple in and out visit.  

Sadly, the baby had passed due to a neurotubal defect.  It was another difficult blow:  emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  I will say that I had spiritual experiences that left me with the comfort, peace and assurance that this was the plan, and that it would be alright.  Nevertheless, the process of returning to normal has been in slow increments.  

I carried the baby for a week before having my Dilation and Curettage procedure to remove the fetus, which we now know was a girl.  

I experienced post-partum symptoms without taking my baby home from the hospital.  

Adding insult to injury, I got food poisoning during my recovery and felt like I was literally at death's door.  I don't think I've ever been that low.

It's been a fight to work my way back to normal.  

First I had to work on getting out of bed each day,

then I was able to make it a day without crying, 

then I was able to smile again,

then I was able to laugh again,

(Going on a week long vacation to DisneyWorld didn't hurt!)

pretty soon I was starting to feel more normal.  I'm not there yet, but I think it's around the corner.  

I'm sure I will have much more to write about the experience when I've processed everything.

VII.

If anyone ever understood what it means to have a "broken heart and a contrite spirit" it's me this year. I have sought counsel and comfort from the scriptures, good music, going to the temple and the words of the living prophets.   

Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying

and

Hope Ya Know We Had a Hard Time 

are talks that have been especially cherished.

I have also gained a lot of comfort and knowledge from an Ensign article called 

"About Trauma."  

It has a lot of great insight for people who have experienced any kind of traumatic event in their lives.   Or in  my case, multiple consecutive events.  The article led me to my new favorite scripture:

Isaiah 61:1-33

1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaimliberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

I felt like the words of the Isaiah verses spoke directly to me and described exactly how I felt - 

"the oil of joy for mourning"

"the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness"

Isn't that beautiful?  

It was at this very vulnerable place that we finally got the call from the job in New Jersey.  The new company had filled the position with their own person.  It was no longer available.  

Part of me was relieved, but mostly I was totally confused.  

I was sad for the lost opportunity that I had convinced myself was right and had spent half a year preparing for.  

Why were we directed to pursue that position when it inevitably didn't work out?

Is there something wrong with my ability to receive revelation?

Heavenly Father doesn't lie, but does he trick people?

What's the deal?

I have had some dark days, full of questioning, complaining and lots of murmuring.

This year really threw me for a loop.

The answers didn't come immediately, but they have come and are coming. I plan to write more about this in greater detail in an upcoming post.  

I think of the song, "As the Dew from Heaven Distilling" and how the Lord blesses us bit by bit.  

This Ensign article about Dew is AMAZING.  Read it!

The Dews From Heaven

Bit by bit I'm getting stronger, moving forward, and the light is returning.  

VIII.

Soooooo......we are not moving back east.  We get to enjoy our new home and new neighborhood, and our wonderful little community which is helping me raise my children one day at a time.  

All of the kids are back in school now, enjoying their friends and good, caring teachers.  We are surrounded by believers of the same faith, something I have grown used to and am beginning to see that it is the perfect environment for me.  

There is a comfort and safety to being in the midst of the fold.  

We are truly, very blessed.

As luck would have it, just a week or so after the job closed in New Jersey, John was given a new position at his current company.  It is a director position, the same position and opportunity he was recruited for back east.  It was totally unexpected but as his wife, I believe well deserved.
I have no doubt he will enjoy this fresh, and new challenge and make the company better.

We also know for a surety that I will not be giving birth to more children.  It is a relief to have that chapter of our lives finally close, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter for our little family.  

There has been lots of pain and sorrow this year, but also much joy and peace.
I am so grateful for the faith that has sustained us.

Dear friends, you have no idea how many of you have touched us - given us words of comfort at just the right time and in just the right place.  We will forever be grateful.
We consider it an honor to be your friends and neighbors and hope that we can return the love that you have shown us.
We love you.