Why I Left Teaching Part 1

Why I left teaching. Part 1 Going through years of intensive therapy has taught me the importance of being balanced in all areas of my life. We have the physical, mental, emotional, and I would include spiritual parts of ourselves to maintain, and in my case spiritual has to be at the top of the list. I’ve always looked at the world through spiritual lenses, I was just born that way. So then it is only fitting that for all of the reasons behind making a big career change, especially after putting forth enormous amounts of effort and sacrifice towards that career, a spiritual explanation would be my first. For those of you who are not spiritual, or not of the same faith as me…please do not look at this as some sort of ploy to convert you. I just did something that looks really crazy, and understandably people are curious about how I came to the decision. Although I don’t owe anyone an explanation, I’m also aware that for thinkers like me, if I can help ease confusion then maybe I can also lessen any pain that my decision has caused to those affected. I’m also not ready to articulate complaints towards the teaching profession that led me to quit, because I don’t want to hurt my former students, supervisors, coworkers and fellow teachers who are still in the trenches. Shining a light on what they are dealing with could be validating, but it could also be demoralizing to people for whom morale is already low. With that said, the simple explanation to why I left is that it was what God wanted me to do. After being raised Methodist/Presbyterian/Episcopalian/NewAge, I am now a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That journey has already been described in other blog posts which you are welcome to read. I have also written a little bit about how I communicate with God, and I’ve worked really hard at it through the years. The brief explanation is that we believe the Lord communicates with us through the Holy Spirit, and so when I refer to the Spirit this is what I mean. My relationship with the Spirit having me do strange things starts way back. The only difference between then and now is that I’m more confident in understanding how He speaks with me, and also I don’t panic when the thing He has me do doesn’t make sense. The first time this happened, you can bet I panicked. I was a college student who had decided to study abroad. Based on my personal criteria, I had studied and prayed and thought it through to the point that I was sure I should go to the Netherlands. I filled out the paperwork over spring break and started researching and studying all things Dutch. As soon as I returned to campus, I marched into the International Study Office and confidently handed in my paperwork, only to have a sudden crushing feeling of WAIT. I hadn’t let go of the papers yet, and slowly pulled them back to the confusion of the secretary who had reached out to take them. “Do you mind if I just make one quick change?” I moved as if I was compelled by some unseen force and crossed out “Netherlands” as my #1 choice, replacing it with “Malta” and handed the papers in. As I walked out of the International Studies Office I stared at the sidewalk and was hit with an enormous wave of panic. “WHAT DID I JUST DO???” and “Why did I do that?” and “I don’t even know where Malta is!?” I walked back to my dorm in a stupor trying to understand what happened to me. As a new member of my church, I was just barely beginning to understand how to learn the language of the Spirit and I was pretty sure I had just had an encounter. I arrived in my dorm and looked it up – Malta was a small island below Sicily in the Mediterranean. As I learned more, I felt a burning sensation in my heart and a peace that confirmed I had done the right thing. 25 years of hindsight can definitely see that the Lord had a plan for me. Malta is where I met my future husband and was a defining highlight of my life. But at the time, it felt crazy and made no sense. The experience of hindsight is a wonderful thing because it can turn what started as faith into actual knowledge. This knowledge helps me NOT panic when the Lord guides me to take other leaps of faith. And I’ve also learned that just because the Lord calls me to something, doesn’t mean it’s going to be pretty or “work out”. It means there is a purpose or a lesson there for me or others or both, a journey that is filled with both good and bad, and I may or may not be called to something else at another time. This has been the case with church callings, and also was the case with the call to teaching. I thought that the call to become a teacher was a lifetime call. It took a big shift in mindset and little help from a Priesthood Blessing, fasting, lots of prayers and tears, and trips to the temple but eventually became clear to me that that was not the Lord’s plan for me. Once I accepted that and moved forward, I have felt clarity and peace even through the emotional storm that has ensued. Confirmations have been coming in all forms, including a recent podcast I listened to called “Follow Him: A Come Follow Me Podcast” in which Dr. Krystal Pierce was discussing something similar that had happened in her own life. “I think there are many times in our life where we think we know what’s best for ourselves. We think we know in a way, more than God. We know that this job is the perfect job for me, and because it’s the perfect job for me God will make sure I get this job (or I stay in this job, or I am happy in this job). He will make sure it happens. And in reality, that’s not quite how it works. When things don’t match up we think ‘Well, what happened? I knew this was the right thing’ and so I have a personal story about this. When I was applying for college I knew exactly where I wanted to go. And it wasn’t even that I wanted to go, I NEEDED to go, and I was meant to go to UCLA. It was my path, it was where I needed to go and God was on the same page and He would make sure I got into that school. We made this decision together. We planned out my path together (laughing), and it’s funny because I actually ended up not getting into UCLA. It was devastating! At times I was angry and frustrated with God. This was our plan! This is what’s best for me! This is what I was supposed to do….as opposed to listening to Him and having trust and faith in Him that He sees the big picture. He’s got the perspective. It’s about ‘Heavenly Father, YOU tell me what’s best for me because You know.’ In hindsight now, I did end up going to UCLA for grad school, and while I was there I met my husband, I started a family, I met the people that would eventually sort of lead me to BYU and my position there. If I had gone there as an undergrad, those people wouldn’t have been there at that time and I think God was saying ‘Yeah, you’re meant to go there, just not right now.’ So sometimes I think we get frustrated when we think we know exactly what we need and we think we know more than He does, or when we need it.” That story came at the right time, as many little tender mercies have as I work through the storm cloud of emotions that have been surrounding my decision to leave teaching. I still don’t know all of the reasons why, but teaching in the classroom just hasn’t been right for me and my family for a while and things were moving towards a breaking point not just for my husband and kids, but for me. No powering through or being more righteous or having a better attitude or more professional development or more changing myself or getting more help or more prayers wasn’t ever going to change that. And then one day this new job just kind of fell in my lap. It happened so quickly and before I knew it I was on an interview and having the BEST feeling inside that this was right right right. The confirmation was so strong that I went ahead and resigned before I knew I had the job. Putting the logistics of the schedule, the pay, the less stress and the meaningful work aside, I just KNOW this is where the Lord wants me right now. And this time, I’m not asking myself “WHAT DID I JUST DO???”. I trust the Lord enough to know that this is where He wants me right now. And it might change again, or it might not. But I have never gone wrong by following the Lord’s will for me and I’m not about to stop now. Even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, even if it makes waves (which is hard for a peacemaker who avoids contention), and even if it hurts feelings. I have learned to trust the Lord. So there you have it. This is what the Lord wants me to do. I don’t even doubt it a little bit. And frankly this reason trumps everything else. But also, I was so unhappy teaching this year I kind of want it too. Even though it’s scary. This week I have felt like the weight of the world is off my shoulders and I’m slowly coming back to life again. I’m taking a deep breath and making the leap. And I want to thank everyone that has been holding my hand as I do it. Here’s to trusting the Lord.