Last Chloe Update

Part I.

Update on Chloe:  The fantastic people at the clinic and the exposure therapy has helped her get back on track.  Her anxiety is completely gone.  It’s been a few weeks now and she continues to seem fine with no relapses.  It is a marvelous thing.  If she has a fear or an obsessive thought, she knows the steps and has the tools to prevent it from growing into anything more and she can handle it. 

These past few weeks have been a transition back into real life, which when we imagined this point, we thought would look something like Chloe embracing life with open arms, soaring and flying.  But as we continue to do our weekly therapy, it’s become apparent that this battle with OCD may have also brought about a bout of depression, which is very common and even can be expected.  We are now tackling that, but for the most part life is returning to being normal and peaceful.   Thank goodness!  We had a rough go of it for a while, but the clouds are parting and we are enjoying the calm after the storm.  Thank you again to everyone who helped us, I have no doubt that it was the love, support and prayers that helped us recover so quickly and they sustained us through the hard parts.  We will ever be grateful. 

Part II.

Big Parenting Changes: As we have been forging ahead on our new homeschooling path and routines these past few months, everyone has been very aware that there has been one huge obstacle in our way…getting along. 

My kids have very different personalities, strengths and weaknesses and up until this point I have never figured out how to pull everyone together.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried.  Countless books have been read, hours on my knees have been spent praying, many many tears shed, family home evening lessons about unity, team building exercises….I could go on.  We have seen temporary successes, but nothing lasting.

The old pattern was that the bickering and the not minding and the talking back and the behaviors would wear me down, so I would relish time away from the kids.  I couldn’t wait until bedtime when things were calm and I could finally get things done.   Date nights, lunches with girlfriends or especially when they were at school were my escapes.  Don’t get me wrong, date nights and lunches are important…but what I mean is that although I love all of my children with all of my heart, and totally have dedicated my life to raising them, I really didn’t enjoy being around them most of the time because of their behaviors.  Many of my days were spent looking for the positive, but going to bed sighing in frustration and regrouping before it all began over again the next day.  The weekends were just to be endured, unless we had a fun family activity to pull us together. 

Homeschooling forced me to put a giant mirror upon our family dynamics and bring to light the fact that my kids do not have great relationships, do not practice selflessness or forgiveness or good communication, do not know how to accept a NO answer, or do not work on being in charge of themselves…all of the things it takes to have good relationships.  It forced me to look at my relationship with each of them, and really ask myself if I was being the ultimate example.

The final straw was when a few of my kids were ASKED TO LEAVE the library because they had gotten into a knock down, drag out fight!  Running through the aisles, pulling clothes and tackling each other in front of everyone.  I have never felt like such a failure as a parent.  I was desperate.  I knew that Heavenly Father wanted us to homeschool, and that part we loved….but how were we going to make it work when the kids couldn’t even get along for a day?  We are reading scriptures and praying as a family every day, John and I are keeping our covenants the best we can, our hearts are in the right places….why can’t we control our kids and why can’t we have peace and harmony in our home? 

This was on my mind as I attended the Winter Homeschool Conference at Weber State a few months ago.  I attended a class with the DeMille family, the founders of Thomas Jefferson Education.  They were doing a question and answer panel and I was chosen to ask a question.  I told them,

“We are brand new to homeschooling and we love it, but one obstacle is that we are having trouble getting along.  Any advice?”  They had their advice, but afterwards another wiser mother came up to me and told me,

Go home and research Nicholeen Peck, “Principles of Self Government and Parenting a House United.”  Her parenting techniques have changed our whole lives….she bases everything off of principles.  I can do principles!”

So of course, I went straight home and began my research.  I have been practicing the techniques and it’s been a little miracle for our family.  FINALLY, I am able to achieve the goal that our home can be calm, peaceful, and feel like the temple.  FINALLY, I can say my kids love each other and are becoming best friends.  FINALLY I can say we are the family we have always wanted to be.  FINALLY I can say, I honestly enjoy being with my children.  They are amazing!  They are funny!  They want to be good. 

A little about Nicholeen:  Shortly after the birth of her second child in 1999, she decided to do foster care with the Utah Youth Village as a way to support her family financially and as a mother. She became a trained treatment parent, and for the next four years always had at least two youth, ages 12–18, in her home. During this time she dealt with many youth who suffered from disorders, including kleptomania, honesty issues, anger management issues, ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD, depression, suicidal tendencies, addiction, sexual perversions, and perpetration.

Nicholeen and her husband thought to themselves, “Why doesn’t EVERY parent have this information and access to these tools?”  She experienced such success with her foster children that the same year, 1999, she began receiving requests to speak at seminars and conventions about her child care methods.  She was requested to teach more classes on parenting, and in 2009 the British BBC show “World's Strictest Parents” asked her to be on their program. (You can watch this on YouTube) The episode was an instant success. According to the BBC, the episode involving the Peck family in Utah was the most watched episode in the TV series.  She’s also been voted as Utah’s Young Mother of the Year. 

Nicholeen is LDS, and she combines her knowledge of the Savior with the techniques she learned from the Utah Youth Village.  She teaches how to help your children have changed hearts, and how to be in charge of themselves.  In order to teach your children how to govern themselves, we as parents must be the examples.

As soon as I began reading her book, the first thing that came to my mind was the quote by John Taylor, the third President of the Church, when he reported:

“Some years ago, in Nauvoo, a gentleman in my hearing, a member of the Legislature, asked Joseph Smith how it was that he was enabled to govern so many people, and to preserve such perfect order; remarking at the same time that it was impossible for them to do it anywhere else. Mr. Smith remarked that it was very easy to do that. ‘How?’ responded the gentleman; ‘to us it is very difficult.’ Mr. Smith replied, ‘I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.’”³

I truly believe that these methods of parenting work because they are how the Savior would parent, and how Heavenly Father currently parents us, His children.

I was so sure about this that I did my own little research through the scriptures to support my theory.  I will write about this in a later post.  My plan is to share what I am learning with as many mothers as I can, because maybe you are struggling with the same thing I was.  And also, I could still use some support from other mothers.  Consistency is one of my hardest battles. 

I think that my days of blogging about Chloe’s recovery are drawing to a close, but now that I am armed with the knowledge of all of the skills we learned at Summit Day Treatment, The OCD clinic for Anxiety, Carol Tuttle’s Energy Profiling, and The Principles of Self Government and creating a House United, I feel compelled to share with other moms.   I want to share them because I know they actually work and I am experiencing the joy that comes from building a strong family.  I want you and your children to have that joy too.  If you are interested in joining me on this parenting journey…this is what the next blog posts will be about. 

I’m also going to hold discussion groups at my home on Mondays at 2pm starting next week.  If you are interested in joining us, you are totally welcome!  (If finding someone to watch your kids is an issue, give me a call, I don’t want that to stop you from coming.)

I’m not an expert by any means, and I’m not claiming to be.  I have a testimony that happy families can and will change the world and I am determined that all of the knowledge I’ve gained from what we have been through these past few months can be used to do some good.  Message me or leave a comment if you want to join me in this journey.

Graduated and it feels so good!

Hello everyone,  wow did it feel good to report that Chloe had graduated from intensive outpatient therapy!  We were once again flooded with love and I am determined to give it all back to you and more.  As I run into people they all seem to say, "Wow, that was fast!"  I have to say I am just as surprised as you are.

It felt as if we were struggling, struggling, struggling, good days sprinkled with bad days over and over, then all of a sudden....she was doing consistently great.  I asked her when the turning point was and she didn't know.  We determined that she just got better by degrees.

"What do you know?  Exposure therapy really DID work."

I will take away this lesson for the rest of my life.  So many times when I encounter a struggle I want to be better RIGHT NOW!  But healing just takes time, whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.  As I look back on my life, it has always been that way.  It doesn't always look like anything is happening, but the efforts we are making do matter.  Just as planting a garden or pulling weeds are dirty and sometimes back breaking mundane chores...they eventually yield to the harvest.  What I hope to remember someday when this trial is fairly managed or I dare to hope even conquered, is that I mustn't ever lose hope.  Whether it be in a few weeks, months, years, a lifetime or even after this life is over the daily efforts ARE working, and they DO matter.

I hope to apply this attitude to my newest focus which is:  our family makeover, including our educational "walkabout."   Chloe's health struggles unintentionally facilitated a major overhaul, but I think this is exactly what we needed for us to reach that vision and those goals that we all want for our family and what kind of family we want to be.

More on that later, but first I wanted to share some insights I learned in therapy these past weeks.  Through working with the fabulous Lynne Sill, we learned that Chloe does not communicate her feelings.  They build and build until something tips the scale and she explodes into a meltdown.  I always thought that was an OCD behavior, and maybe it contributed to the bad habit, but once we got OCD under control it was easy to see that we had some regular behavioral and parenting work to do.

When I see her body language change, that is my cue to say something like, "Your body language is showing me that you are upset."  So we worked on that.  But every time I would try to get her to talk about what she was feeling she would dig in her heels and refuse to talk.  Her common response would be, "It just makes it worse to talk about it because there's nothing anyone can do to change it."

Lynne worked with us on this for weeks.  We started by just having her write down what she was feeling, because for some reason speaking the words was just too big of a jump after years of not communicating her feelings.  We also figured out that any conversations about feelings had to be in private, away from siblings or anyone else that may be within earshot.  She would text me if it wasn't possible to be alone.  Slowly she started to see that if she did communicate with me, I might not be able to totally fix it, but we could brainstorm together ways to meet in the middle and at least improve certain portions of whatever was bothering her.    Things are getting much better with that problem.

I would say Chloe's biggest struggle for the past few years is her thought processes.  Something would trigger an anger response, and then that anger would quickly snowball into thoughts that were not even rational.  We also figured out that there are some factors that will ALWAYS contribute to an out of control thought process:  For Chloe, not eating, not getting enough sleep (She has major trouble sleeping) and not getting enough time away from the family doing her own thing are big contributors.

Here's an example:  Its snowed and she's been stuck in the house for the day.  She hasn't slept much the night before, which affects her stomach so she won't eat.  Everything her siblings do all day long bug her, I bug her, she is in a constant state of "buggedness".  Her dad has a work emergency and has to work all day on  Saturday.  She has a thought, "I didn't get to see my dad today."  Instead of saying to herself, "I miss my dad" or communicating it to me, the thought immediately snowballs from "I didn't get to see my dad much today," to
"My dad is NEVER around,"  (which isn't true) to....
"My parents suck"  to....
"I hate my life."
And just like that, she is in the gutter with only a few thoughts to get her there.

Lynne taught us a strategy to stop the thoughts that spiral out of reality, but I can't remember the name of it.  Since I can't remember the name we just call it "your ABC's"  Action - behavior - consequence.  Here are the steps:

1. Presenting situation - we used her sister as an example.  Let's say, your sister simply says "Move".

2. Thought - there are a bunch of thoughts you think at that moment.  "She's been so mean today." "She's always so rude!"  "I love her sometimes but when she acts like this I don't." "She must be having a bad day."   Lynne used a funnel analogy.  Lots of thoughts are going into your funnel, but whatever your dominant presenting emotion is, is what will come out of the bottom.  Chloe's dominant presenting emotion is anger, so that is what comes out.....

3.  Emotion - Raaaaar..."My sister sucks and I hate her."

4.  Urge - "I'm going to retaliate by wounding with words."

5.  Action - "You suck Clara, and I hate you."

6.  Consequence - Relationship with sister is bad.  Everyone is angry.

The goal is to stop the cycle at the thought process, and change what comes out of the funnel.  It takes an enormous amount of practice, self control and awareness but we can change the way we think.

In that exercise, she could use her agency to choose to be compassionate and let "I wonder if she's having a bad day," come out of the funnel instead of an angry thought.  It's good stuff!  We are working on this!

Sleeping - Chloe has inherited the curse of insomnia from John's mom's side of the family.  We began tackling this issue right away, as soon as we started treatment.  Paul had some strategies to try:

- always go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time each day
- melatonin (replaces something that your brain may not be producing.)
- take a bath or a warm shower before bedtime
- never do anything mentally stimulating in your bed such as reading or watching tv.  Make your bed only for resting and sleeping.
- Drink a warm glass of milk or some chamomile tea
- when all else fails, take a unisom or a non habit forming sleep aid

We tried those things, and she was even taking two unisom before bedtime and still laying awake all night.  The next step would be pursuing sleep medication but you guys know me by now...I'm always going to seek help from my natural and holistic experts before trying medication as a last resort.  But before we get to that point, Lynne taught us one more skill that we are going to try.

It's called Mind/Body Bridging.  She recently went to a conference about this and experts are using it to treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  There is a back story to Stanley Block,the man who developed this technique.  One day he and his wife were arguing in the kitchen and it was getting pretty heated; everyone was emotional.  Suddenly he thought he heard a strange humming noise coming from the refrigerator so they stopped and got really quiet to listen for the noise.  They focused on the humming sound for a few minutes and then resumed their conversation, but to their surprise were no longer feeling so emotional that they couldn't work out their problem easily.

He began studying the possibility that if we concentrate on something intently, and tune into one of our 5 senses, it calms the emotions down.  He turned it into a technique.

I think there might be something to that because just as Lynne used this as an example, I have found this to be true as well:  When you're not thinking about the problem is when you really find the solution.  Like when I am alone in the shower and it's quiet, I will get answers to things I have been pondering all day the day before.

Here are the steps to Mind/Body Bridging:

For at least 2 minutes tune into one of the 5 senses.  Only pick one thing and really focus on it.  The hum on fluorescent lights, the sound of a fan, the smell of breakfast in the kitchen.  This is the first portion to calm down your emotions.

Then the bridging portion - in chloe's situation of not being able to sleep, she is supposed to grab a piece of paper and draw a giant circle in the middle.  Write in the circle, "Why can't I fall asleep?"  Write down every reason you can think of why you might not be able to sleep.  Sometimes getting it all down is just what we need to stop worrying about something or to be able to let it go.  See if it has an effect.

Are their any "Shoulds" that she has placed on herself?  Circle everything that is a requirement and challenge each one. "What would happen if I didn't do that?" or "What would happen if it didn't work out that way?"

I don't know if it will work to help her sleep, or if she will even try it but I sure will!  No more staying up all night thinking and obsessing for me!

I'm out of time for the day but I can't wait to fill everyone in on the good, bad and ugly of our family make-over journey.  Until then, we are going to enjoy our first week of only one trip in to the clinic in Centerville....woo hoo!  What will we do with all of our extra time????

Love to all,

Molly

Favorite Things January 2016

Strawberry Bites

Only 35 calories each 

New Cafe Rio Sweet Pork Recipe

by Creme de la Crumb  (also my new fav. recipe blog)

Starbucks Hot Chocolate

Nicholeen Peck
Teaching Children Self-government

Liiiiiife Changing parenting principles!  Our whole house has turned around in a BIG way!

I'm seriously thinking of doing a parenting workshop to help other moms because this is so powerful!

Also powerful,

Carol Tuttle's Energy Profiling

Seriously....if you want to understand all children this is it!  It's inspired.

Coincidentally, I got to hear a lecture and meet her at the recent Winter Homeschool Conference.

Lastly, I love this video about traditional schooling, given by a high school valedictorian.

Erica Valedictorian Speech

It really makes ya think.  

Breakdowns to Breakthroughs

It's been a while since I've updated you, dear friends and family.  I know you are wondering how we are doing, especially since I wasn't necessarily in the happiest of places when I last posted.  I am happy to report that it was just a temporary slump.  It didn't take us long to see some progress, which lifted my spirits and I was back to my happy, faithful, usual self.  

Until things got bad again, and I had another "I can't do this!" meltdown.  

But things got better and we kept on plugging forward.  And then we would find ourselves beating our heads against the wall and crying into our pillows at night once again.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about the really cheesy quote I once heard,

"After the biggest breakdowns come the breakthroughs."  

I've been thinking about it because although it sounds so cliche it is absolutely true.  

We learned a little more about this in therapy a few weeks ago when it had become apparent that Chloe had turned a really huge corner and that we were heading for an upswing.  

Therapy sessions are so important for both Chloe and me.  They are so good because we are forced to communicate and by doing that we or the person helping us with the outside perspective, figure out patterns and hopefully how to change them.  It forces me to stop my daily activities for a second and just stop to take a look at the dynamics of what is really going on in with the behaviors in our household.  

The week prior to last week was a really bad week for everyone.  Chloe had seemed to be doing pretty well, then suddenly was shutting down, having panic attacks, outbursts, mood swings, you name it.  I was trying my best but really didn't know what to do because she has always been the "perfect kid", meaning despite the few normal kid mistakes and bad moods, she is the one kid I could always count on to be obedient, helpful, responsible, etc.  

(Turns out, that's bad but I'll touch on that later.)

I was done for the day, but luckily her dad had the patience to work with her for hours and long story short...this led to a major breakthrough.  Her dad helped give her the strength to do an exposure that she was REALLY afraid of, and then when she was able to do it, she was so proud of herself!  And now she is able to sleep in her room again, on her own.  It's a huge step forward.  

I saw this quote and thought it applied to our situation that week, and the following weeks as well:

The night of the breakdown, she and I were ready to give up, not knowing that the breakthrough was around the corner.  

It was an important reminder for both of us, and an important lesson. 

We had a fantastic week after that and as we talked about it in therapy, our therapist confirmed that the road to wellness will have major ups and downs, that if there is a straight line of progression going upward then something is fishy and real growth isn't happening.  So I guess....we're normal!  

I immediately thought about the talk I have been studying this week by the wonderful Sister Wendy W. Nelson given to the students at BYU Hawaii called "Becoming the Person You Were Born to Be."  It was a talk about New Year's Resolutions, and I highly recommend everyone read or listen to it along with Russel M. Nelson's talk about millennial Mormons.  Click here for the link.

In her talk Sister Nelson said,

"Think of the Savior’s disciples who, with life-threatening waves crashing around their small fishing boat, cried out to the Savior, “Carest thou not that we perish?”⁴

What did these people have in common?

They were desperate! Desperate for the Savior to heal them, help them, cleanse them, guide them, protect them, and save them! They were desperate for Jesus Christ to help them do things they could never do on their own. They were desperate to have the Savior’s strength and power in their lives. Do you know that feeling? Believe me, I do.

Well, here’s the good news: Desperation can actually be a great motivator.

When we’re desperate to be guided by heaven, we work harder than ever to tune in to heaven. When we’re desperate to be physically healthy, we eat and exercise accordingly. No excuses! When we’re desperate to have more money, we eagerly follow the Lord’s law of finances—which is, of course, tithing!"

"When we’re desperate to become the people we were born to be, our vision changes. We wake up from the spiritual amnesia the adversary so cleverly administers, and suddenly we see things about ourselves, others, and our lives we’ve never seen before. The world’s “fun” and “entertainment” start to look almost ridiculous, perhaps even spiritually dangerous. We begin to see the adversary’s tricks and traps for what they really are—temptations to make us forget our true identity and our destination.

We begin to spend our time differently. Time on Facebook doesn’t seem half as compelling as time in the temple. We experience for ourselves the profound truth taught by a wise temple president: “When we enter the temple, we leave the world of make-believe.”⁷We become much more interested in eternal truths the Lord will teach us in His holy house than in the latest sensational comments on social media, which can be so glib and brain-numbing."

She then challenged us to try a 30 day experiment:

"Daily kneel and thank your Heavenly Father for the scriptures. Tell Him the one question you most need to have answered that day. Plead to have the Holy Ghost with you as you read. Then open your scriptures anywhere, and read until you find the answer.⁸ Try it for 30 days and see what happens."

I have already learned that the answers are in the scriptures, and I frequently try this method when I have questions.  But I have never tried doing it every day.  Wow wowie wow wow....it works.  
Every single day I have been guided on the first try to the exact answer I needed or the exact scripture I have needed to read in order for the Holy Spirit to teach me.  Our family is greatly benefitting from this experiment!  Best science project we've ever done!

Even though there are ups and downs, and times when I feel very desperate, I think our family is adjusting to this "new normal" that life has thrown our way.  We are doing ok!

I asked Paul the other day, - "I talk to lots of people that say they had the same tendencies when they were a kid, they didn't do therapy, and they overcame it on their own.  Am I going overboard by putting Chloe into intensive therapy?"

Paul said, "Ask them if their anxiety level was at a 10 for several sustained hours, or all day long?  Because Chloe's was and still is sometimes.  Ask them if they had panic attacks to the point that their body shut down and they couldn't eat, sleep or even function? OCD sufferers experience all different levels of intensity, some can beat it on their own, some can do it with the help of a parent, but some need intensive help from a specialist."  It was a good reminder, and confirmation.

Current Goals for kicking OCD's butt:

1.  Communicate communicate communicate - Chloe has to break the habit of holding everything inside and has to tell us how she is feeling when she starts to spiral downward.  I need to say something like, "Your body language is telling me something has changed" and not accept any brush off's but really encourage her to talk.   Bring darkness to light so it no longer has power.

2.  She has to do more social things.  Her anxiety gets so bad she had stopped doing as much with friends, but she has been hanging out more with her awesome friends who are SO  caring, and she's remembering how fun it is to be with them!

3.  Exercise every day

4.  Practice exposures at home, never by herself.

5.  Paul wants us to enroll back into school part time.  Chloe is getting well enough that they want her to practice her new skills in a difficult setting.  Another huge step forward, earned after powering through a breakdown.

6.  This one is really important - she cannot be the perfect kid.  She has to drop the mask that everything is fine, on the days when it isn't.  I am learning in therapy that a perfectly behaved kid isn't a healthy kid, they are just learning how to play the game.  It is developmentally appropriate for teens to push boundaries, or have emotional outbursts from time to time.  So she is learning how to be a normal teenager and I am learning how to parent a new Chloe, the true Chloe with ups and downs, not the old falsely "perfect" Chloe.

I think our biggest assignment with this one is figuring out how to find balance.   Paul and Lynne are working with me on parenting a pre-teen, and helping me learn what is developmentally appropriate behavior for a teen versus what is OCD behavior, because they both require different approaches.  Paul will always advise me to be tough when disciplining, much more tough than I have been with Chloe, because she has been so emotionally fragile and I have a lot of sympathy for the suffering that OCD has caused her.

 I realized that this is because in my efforts to be Christlike, when choosing how to respond I would always choose the loving and caring approach because I thought it was what Christ would do.  Paul told me something that really helped with this, he said ( the best I can recall)

"When Christ was in the temple he wasn't kind and loving, he was firm.  He turned over the tables and cleaned out his Father's house.

You guys were recently in a car accident.  Heavenly Father could have stopped that from happening, but he didn't.  You suffered from it.  But I bet even just a few months later you are already better from it.  Whether you have more empathy for others, or something else.  Bad things happen to good people, and Heavenly Father allows it to happen, and many times he will allow us to suffer because...." and then I interrupted him to say, "I get it now," because I had already kept him longer with my questions and I knew he had to get back to the clinic.

 I wish I hadn't stopped him because he could say the next part so much better than I ever could.   But what I got was that,

Being firm IS being Christ-like.  Being tough on our kids (in a loving way), or allowing them to suffer consequences of their actions IS parenting like our Heavenly Father parents us.  Because He wants to make something out of us.  He wants us to grow and be the kind of wise and strong that only comes through suffering.

I have to be sort of like my kids' personal trainer, and since I watch the Biggest Loser, I know that personal trainers can be TOUGH if they want to get results.  This is so hard for me though!  It is not my nature to be that way.

I've also had to remember that Heavenly Father's house is a house of order.  When I am not firm and consistent, then they take over, and it becomes a house of chaos.

I decided to study this a little bit more and found a great talk by President James A. Faust that talks about disciplining in a Christ like manner.  The Greatest Challenge in the World - Good Parenting.  Some memorable quotes were:

"Among the other values children should be taught are respect for others, beginning with the child’s own parents and family; respect for the symbols of faith and patriotic beliefs of others; respect for law and order; respect for the property of others; respect for authority. Paul reminds us that children should “learn first to shew piety at home.” (1 Tim. 5:4.)

"One of the most difficult parental challenges is to appropriately discipline children. Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another. I do not know who is wise enough to say what discipline is too harsh or what is too lenient except the parents of the children themselves, who love them most. It is a matter of prayerful discernment for the parents. Certainly the overarching and undergirding principle is that the discipline of children must be motivated more by love than by punishment. Brigham Young counseled, “If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up.” (In Journal of Discourses, 9:124–25.) Direction and discipline are, however, certainly an indispensable part of child rearing. If parents do not discipline their children, then the public will discipline them in a way the parents do not like. Without discipline, children will not respect either the rules of the home or of society.

"A principal purpose for discipline is to teach obedience. President David O. McKay stated, “Parents who fail to teach obedience to their children, if [their] homes do not develop obedience society will demand it and get it. 

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell has said, “Those who do too much for their children will soon find they can do nothing with their children. So many children have been so much done for they are almost done in.” (Ensign, May 1975, p. 101.)

I am working on it....each day getting a little better and then I will randomly have a bad day and fall right back into my old bad habits.  But I saw this little meme the other day and had to chuckle:

So I guess I'm not failing if I'm still trying?

So that is how we are doing with our OCD struggles.  Most people seem to be even more curious about how homeschooling is going, so I'll write a separate post about that.  We are definitely going through a huge life change on several fronts but it's all good stuff!

The kind words of encouragement keep coming and I marvel at goodness and kindness of those around us.  Thank you again for your love!

Fakin' it Till I Make it

As I was loading my two weeks worth of groceries onto the conveyor belt, the young man at the register asked me,

“So how is the lady doing today?”

I replied the way I usually do when I see the checker and all of the people in line behind me roll their eyes and tap their feet impatiently because it takes me so long to get checked out. 

“I have a lot of groceries today….sorry”

He surprised me by saying, “THIS is nothing!  There is a lady that comes in once every two weeks who has 14 kids and she easily drops over a thousand dollars each time.  Besides, I’m paid by the hour.”

“Oh good.”

“So how IS the lady doing today?” He asked again.

“Fakin’ it till I make it,” I said. 

“I love it!  That’s so gangster…”

“Word” I joked.  He loved that and called me homegirl for the duration of the checkout.  He was nice and all but inside I was like,

“Whaaat?  If you only knew what I really meant by saying I’m faking it until I make it, you wouldn’t say I’m gangster.  It’s not cool to be faking it till you make it when you say it truthfully.”

I’m faking it because my heart is not in it at the moment.  We all have times where we put one foot in front of the other but not because we want to. 

Whether it’s because of the new round of stomach flu that has hit our house and the mountains of throw up laundry that has thrown me off my game, or my pre-menopausal hormones, or the ugly weather that forces everyone inside where there is no sunshine, or the continual and unrelenting two hour a day trips to Centerville and the therapy therapy therapy….change this, do this, talk about your FEELINGS…..I’ve been struggling to overcome a depressive spirit this week. 

I’m faking it because I don’t FEEL like reading my scriptures, or praying, or exercising, or being a nice mommy and nurse and teacher and wife and primary teacher and preschool teacher and a beating-OCD-and-anxiety-coach but I’m doing it anyway. 

Someone once asked my husband, “How is your wife so HAPPY all the time?”

“Trust me, she’s not.” He said truthfully, “But she is overall, a happy person.”

The truth is, I am not a happy person by nature.  By nature, I tend to be a glass is half empty and a woe-is-me kind of person.  I have just learned through experience and kicking against the pricks that happiness takes work.  I’m not striving to develop the natural man inside of me, I’m striving to become a disciple of Christ.  I know that when we keep the commandments and counsel of the Lord, even when we don’t want to or FEEL like doing it, that we enjoy the companionship of the Spirit and the joy that comes through having a relationship with Christ. 

Once again, not a coincidence that these words by Ezra Taft Benson are what I was guided to read during my personal study this week:

“We have no cause to really worry. Live the gospel, keep the commandments. Attend to your prayers night and morning in your home. Maintain the standards of the Church. Try and live calmly and cheerfully. … Happiness must be earned from day to day. But it is worth the effort

When George A. Smith was very ill, he was visited by his cousin, the Prophet Joseph Smith. The afflicted man reported: “He [the Prophet] told me I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties might surround me. If I were sunk into the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged, but hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I should come out on the top of the heap.” …

There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you. As the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” (D&C 121:7–8.)

Be cheerful in all that you do. Live joyfully. Live happily. Live enthusiastically, knowing that God does not dwell in gloom and melancholy, but in light and love.”

So until the light and love returns, I am faking it.  Guy at the Walmart checkout…THAT is what I meant.  Luckily I have a blog so I still get to tell someone.

On to Chloe’s treatment.  Here are the things we are learning this week:

-       -  Our therapist Paul hit the nail on the head:  Chloe is consumed with mourning the fact that “this is the hand she was dealt,” to the point that it is impeding her efforts to get well. 

I think we all do that at times.  I know I do.  In fact, I have a figurine on my shelf of a woman holding forget me not flowers, given to me by a dear friend to remind me every day that we cannot…we must not put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event.  This figurine and reminder comes from a most excellent talk by our beloved Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Forget Me Not.

-       - I have been reminded that I  still have a lot to learn about parenting teenagers, and that apparently I have a lot of improving to do.  He recommended a book called “Talking so your teen will listen and listening so your teen will talk.”  He also gave me some strategies for dealing with unpleasant behavior and taught me that I have a right to what I will and will  not allow in my space.  Meaning….I don’t have to put up with bad behavior because she has OCD, I can parent her like a normal teenager.

-      -  OCD runs in families, even the types

-       - It takes 1,000 hours of exposures to kick a particular OCD thought.  It is going to take much more support and help from me at home to keep Chloe motivated and moving forward.

-       - Chloe HAS to exercise every day.  Period. 

-   We talked about bringing the darkness to light and how when Chloe keeps her thoughts secret or does compulsions in secret then it's feeding the "monster"  OCD, and how being as open as possible about everything gives you power.  

  

I must say that even though I’ve struggled this week, I can feel my determination and strength returning.  It always does as I continue to press forward and use my agency to work towards happiness.  I even venture to say that by next week I will be my shiny happy usual self again.  Until then, have a great week everyone and sending much love as we all continue to move forward and find happiness within the struggle.