Post-Christmas Update

I am still amazed at the amount of people that read these blog entries.  This time as I write, the diversity and caliber of people who who may be reading this weighs heavily on my mind.  How is my grammar?  Am I saying anything that might offend?  I’m just a mom!  But in the end, I can’t think about those things. 

I had to remind myself that this blog is first and foremost a means to record down my thoughts, to remember how I was feeling when I am through this time of life, and to try and work out my feelings…I don’t know, I just feel compelled to write it all down, I don’t really know why.  I also don’t know why I am crazy enough to let others peek into my heart, as well as the good the bad and the ugly of our family life, yet I have felt guided to do it and for the most part it has been a positive experience. 

So if you still want to read on…I suppose this is my warning that I am tired, my feelings are raw, and my mind is swirling with thoughts that may be right on, or they may be way off track.  It is what it is, but rest assured that it will be real. 

How are we all doing with OCD treatment these days?  I think we all feel the same way:

This is hard! 

The treatment and the people are so so good, but kicking OCD is hard.  I don’t mean a little bit hard, I mean REALLY hard…the kind of hard that you see others facing and hope it will never be you.  The kind of hard that you think “I could never do that in a million years,” but then you are forced to do it and you can’t believe you are actually doing it.  The kind of hard that finds you on the bathroom floor crying your guts out in secret so that no one knows you have temporarily lost your resolve, because you know that if you lose it, others might too and you have to be strong for them.  The kind of hard that teaches you how to lean on the Lord completely and walk by faith every day.  And that’s just me, I’m sure it’s much much harder for Chloe.

It is terrible and glorious all at the same time. 

This is the first time that both John and I have tackled a huge trial with complete understanding of the Savior’s atonement and the knowledge that “We can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth us.”  It’s the first time I have solely depended on the Lord and His strength and actually trusted that it will work and that He is really there and that He will help me.  I can testify that He has, and He does and most of the time it doesn’t really feel that hard when you are lifted by your Savior. 

But I’m still just a human being…a very flawed one at that.  Unlike my rock-solid husband, sometimes my faith wavers, or my faith is strong but my mind body and spirit are just plain old tired.  My tiredness has even affected my coveted scripture study time, and instead of studying I have found a new means of comfort by listening to hymns as I study the words.  When I feel depleted this will always fill me with enough peace and strength to tackle a new day. 

I’m sure a lot of this tiredness comes from the additional demands of life lumped on top of OCD treatment.  At least one person in the family has been ill since before Thanksgiving, one after another, over and over.  Husband, children…even the two dogs and the cat have been very sick with both colds and stomach bugs.  Cleaning up vomit has become such a constant part of my daily life that I even clean up vomit and excrement in my dreams.  By some miracle I haven’t gotten sick with anything, although I like to attribute my robust immune system to a few things I am doing, which I will include in my “Favoritethings” post.

Throw in some lack of sunlight, colder temps., cabin fever and a van that keeps breaking down and I am feeling very grumpy these days – very grinchy which is sad because Christmas can be such a wonderful time, but this year it has been the worst involuntary part time job I’ve ever had.  To be honest, I’m glad Christmas is over. 

I think my problem is that with our new situation -  having stripped away everything that isn’t important and just focusing on the basics – I looked at Christmas through the lens of a new perspective and I didn’t like what I saw.  I felt that this year the Christmas hubub detracted from the Spirit of Christ in my home.  I felt like our home was more focused on the Savior before: without all of the Christmas expectations and crowds, sales, shopping and traffic, stress and wrapping paper and neighbor gifts, Christmas cards (which I didn’t do this year for the first time in….forever!) traditions, cookies, too much sugar and not enough sleep leading to bad child behavior and multiple meltdowns….oh yeah, and Santa.

After having just simplified my life a month earlier, the extra Christmas stuff was plain old hard to take in.  Thinking of a well known General Conferencetalk by Elder Uchtdorf on Simplifying…it felt like I was staying up all night to hand sew the dumb quilt that didn’t matter when really the message and the lesson should have been the focus. 

So those are my feelings about Christmas this year.  It just made things waaaay harder for me.  I’m sure if you talk to my kids they will tell you it was magical and they are so happy with their new toys and gadgets.  I on the other hand am just working on recovering from it all.  I know, “bah humbug.”

And now I am done with my rant about Christmas. 

On to Chloe’s treatment progress:  It’s frustratingly slow, like a game of chutes and ladders with slow climbing forward progress and then rapid slides backwards that take her all the way back to the bottom.  Thank goodness for the amazing people at the OCD and Anxiety TreatmentCenter.  I’m so grateful for the knowledge and tools that they are giving us, and for their support.  They “get it”…in a big way.  They all have loved ones with OCD or they have beat it themselves.  It doesn’t make it any easier but it’s very comforting to talk to others that “get it.”  I have never felt so much kindness and caring from medical professionals in my entire life.  They are exceptional.

Basically, what’s difficult is the frustration of asking and counting on an emotionally unwell hormonal pre-teen girl to do hard, hard things and walk through the fire from an already low place. 

By the time we sought outpatient treatment, we were already at the end of our rope.  I think we all mistakenly thought, “Okay, she’s in treatment now.  We can take a breath and the worst is over.  We’ve known rock bottom and everything will be uphill from here.”

Wrong.  So wrong.

I think all of us have been at that point where we thought it was all we could do just to get from point A to point B.  And then when we exhaustedly collapsed onto point B were asked to then hike uphill to point C.  That is the point where we all face a big decision, do we want to give up or do we want to dig deep and claw our way up to point C?  I think Chloe is still not so sure.  It’s hard for her to believe that she will be better when the process of walking through the fire is so unpleasant. 

Exposure therapy works by helping the sufferer approach the thoughts, or feelings that cause anxiety and trauma that they have spent their entire lives trying to avoid because of the distress they cause.  From my own gospel perspective, it’s the principle of strength and growth through opposition in action.  When faced with an uphill battle, we can choose to run and hide, stand still and don’t move, or get to work and walk through the fire.

Her counsellor likens it to physical therapy for the brain.  She has a physical illness that has weakened a part of her body, and just like a person with a spinal injury has to do the daily and unrelenting hard work, and painful, exhausting physical therapy exercises to strengthen the muscles in their body so that they can walk normally again, Chloe has to do the same thing, only she is strengthening an area of her brain. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own learning curve when it comes to walking through the fire.  It took me a long time to realize that the path to wellness and happiness always requires the hard work and facing the pain to get there.  If I want to be physically well, I have to eat the yucky vegetables and exercise my butt off.  If I want to have a solid relationship with the Lord and have the Holy Spirit to be with me, I have to put in the work through prayer, fasting, and scripture study.  If I want to have a good relationship with my spouse or children, I have to keep working at it…communicate, give them time, plan date nights and do activities together.  If I want to be mentally healthy I have to experience the processes of grief and sadness in order to heal.  Running away doesn’t work.  Standing still doesn’t work either.  Both are stifling and bring their own kind of unrelenting misery.

I look around and see so many “running away” or “standing still” shortcuts to try and escape the pain and hard work, some of which I have tried myself…the temporary highs of drugs, the misuse of food, overindulging in activities, sexual addictions and fantasies, the buzz of a smoke, the escape though alcohol, and sometimes regrettably people even chose to escape through taking their own life. 

The false happiness, or pleasure or numbness or whatever we are seeking is only temporary and the unpleasant feelings and pain will always come right back until we sometimes become dependent on those shortcuts in order to function alongside the feelings. And then they control us.

I’ve learned that conditions such as stress, loneliness, frustration, anger, shame, anxiety, and hopelessness will always be a part of life.  I can’t escape them….I could try by using shortcuts but if I want to be healthy in my mind, body and spirit then walking through the fire is always required to get to the other side.

This is what I want to tell Chloe, and anyone else who may be facing their uphill battle.  Walking through the fire hurts.  And it’s scary, and overwhelming.  But I have learned that we don’t EVER have to do it alone.  It is so much more manageable when we have an entire Godhead that intimately know us better than we even know ourselves to help us and give us strength we wouldn’t normally have on our own.     

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I ran across this scripture the other day as I have been pondering these things: 

Isaiah 43:2-4

2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

 3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

 4 Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life.

But what 12 year old really knows how to apply this?  It took me over 30 years.  All I can do is continue to love her, encourage her, testify, teach and lead by example. 

All of us want happiness for those we love, and we want as little pain for them as possible. The most difficult challenge for me is being in the position where I am at odds daily with my formerly sweet and obedient daughter, because I am seen as the bad guy for forcing her to do the things I know will help her get better, but that are most unpleasant for her.  Therapy is hard work, it is boring, and painful, and scary, and exhausting.  It is hard to believe that something better is at the end of the uncomfortable process.  Helping Chloe through this process while continuing my usual life challenges has tested my parenting skills, my resolve and my role as a mother to the utmost limits. 

I may make lots of mistakes and have lots of meltdowns, vent out of frustration or even lash out in anger because I’m depleted, but rest assured I will get up every day and keep trying because I know that I have access to the powers of heaven that if accessed, will allow me to do things I never thought I could do. 

People always ask me how homeschooling is going.  I have been so surprised by this journey, and how wonderful homeschooling is.  Not to say it’s been all roses and butterflies…but homeschooling has been a mostly good experience mixed with a little bit of difficult, in comparison to Jr. High which was for us mostly difficult, mixed with a little bit of good.  I plan to post soon with more details about what we are doing.

I hope that as I keep plugging along, you can find the strength to keep plugging along too.  Thank you again to those who reach out….your support and encouragement has been just what we’ve all needed. 

Happy New Year to each of you, and we love you.

Molly's Favorite Things December 2015

I don't ever ever ever want to forget these things that through the guidance of the Spirit have been helping me through this stage of my life....

1.  Essential Oils -

I have health problems that prevent me from taking standard pain medications and essential oils combined with muscle testing has gotten me through.  When my kiddos have terrible chest colds and can't breathe, I like using oils instead of fighting them on cough syrup.  I can relieve stomach aches, minor aches and pains, all kinds of things...I even used oils to heal my cat of his kennel cough.

I know that DoTerra is supposed to be the best, and I do order a lot of DoTerra oils.  But for the more expensive ones, I have also found Rocky Mountain Oils to be effective.  They are local and much more inexpensive than DoTerra.

2.  Zeal For Life -

A gluten free all-in-one nutritional drink with 8 superfoods and all of the nutrients you need for the day that you aren't getting in your food.  John's coworker read my posts about Chloe and gave us some to try, gratis and I'm so grateful she did!  I have more energy, my skin is better, my emotional state feels more stable and I haven't gotten sick once this year since I've been drinking it.  It doesn't taste great, but out of all the drinks I've tried it's not too bad.  And I am a big wimp when it comes to yucky tastes.

I still can't get my kids to drink it, but some of them do like the chocolate flavor.  They have samples that we can try.  I can't say enough about this stuff!

3.  Carol Tuttle's Energy Profiling

Our biggest struggle with homeschooling hasn't been the academic part, it's been the getting along part.  I had been on my knees in fasting and prayer about this for weeks when my sweet friend Becca felt prompted to visit me and tell me about the 4 Energy Types.  I found this book at the library and it has been life changing and has allowed me to create a family environment in which we actually enjoy being around each other most of the time.  The Child Whisperer.com has been an awesome resource.

I'm so excited that she is going to be speaking at the upcoming Winter Homeschooling Conference at Weber State!

4.  The Family School Online, Latter-day Learning.

Our new homeschooling curriculum for the year, mixed with Thomas Jefferson Education approaches.  For our family, these are what I have been guided to as far as a starting point.

5.  Tip Hero

I think these easy food ideas and tutorials are the best things since sliced bread.  Tip Hero is teaching my girls how to cook.  I can only find it through Facebook.  We love the pizza rollups.

Chloe and Homeschooling Update

The past few weeks in a nutshell:

- I battled the insurance company for a month to try and get Chloe into an OCD specific intensive treatment center in Centerville that does exposure therapy.  They claimed that Summit Day Treatment, an in-network facility was just as good and that they did OCD specific therapy.

- Chloe went to Summit Day treatment for a week, but just as predicted, it wasn't a good fit so we took her out.  The following weeks while we waited to find a new treatment were full of ups and downs but we got through it and have learned a lot!

- Homeschooling has had it's ups and downs, but for the most part was a great decision and has been really really good for our family.  I am still on the hunt for mentors/social groups but I think I have pinned down a curriculum and have decided not to go with online public school.  Our biggest challenge is figuring out our new family rhythm and how to work together but it's been such a testimony boost as I can see the Lord's hand in my life daily, guiding me to the solutions.

- I battled the insurance company for a week and FINALLY got her into the OCD clinic where she has started doing half days for 3- 6 weeks.  It's called the Center for OCD and Anxiety in Centerville.  It is AWESOME and we are already feeling things start to change.

- We truly have the BEST family, friends, and neighbors in the world.  The love just keeps pouring in and we are so humbled and grateful!


If you want more details:

A little more about the OCD treatment and exposure therapy.

Funny video used in the clinic's orientation describing what people with OCD go through.

I can't even tell you how many times I told Chloe to "Sing and Primary song or say a prayer and the bad thoughts will go away."  Or, "Just don't think those things!  Stop it!"  It took me a while to understand that it is literally a misfiring in the brain, telling the body that there is danger and attaching a fight or flight response to specific thoughts.  Her therapist told me that he could literally show me on a brain scan where the misfiring is occurring.  As I've been learning more, it seems as if those who are genetically predisposed can have symptoms begin or worsen as they begin to go through puberty when more hormones come into play.

The way to create new neuro-pathways is by exposing a person to the things that make them have the fear response, and re-teach the brain that a fight or flight response or anxiety is not warranted.

So for example, one of the therapists' wives has OCD and was being affected by a debilitating fear of spiders.  It had progressed to the point that she couldn't go outside or let her children go outside because there might be spiders out there.  The therapists slowly and gradually exposed her to the things that brought her anxiety and worked with her until her brain and her body no longer had a fight or flight response and that trigger no longer causes her anxiety.  Then they raise the level of intensity and make it harder.

They first had her sit in a room while the therapist held a bag that had a picture of a spider in it.  She could barely do it, but soon the fear began to decrease and her brain registered that there wasn't really any danger after all.  So as soon as she felt okay with being in the room with the bag, then she had to sit closer and start all over again.  Then take the picture out of the bag, and then work on holding the picture of the spider.  Then they eventually worked all the way up to going to the pet store and holding a tarantula herself.  Then watching her kids hold a tarantula.  So eventually, the body creates new neuropathways that that particular trigger or fear doesn't warrant a fight or flight response.

One of Chloe's debilitating fears is that harm will come to her family or loved ones.  When there are any triggers that make her think of death, harm, natural disasters, sickness, car accidents, etc. then her body activates an extreme fight or flight response.  So the therapists are slowly and gradually exposing her to the things that bring her anxiety, and then they work with her until her brain and her body no longer have a fight or flight response and that trigger no longer causes her anxiety.  Then they raise the level of intensity and make it harder.

This week, Chloe is working on just writing the sentence,  "My family might be hurt or my family might die."  Just writing the sentence puts her at an 8 on an anxiety scale of 1-10.  But after working on the exposure for the day, and using the tools that they are teaching her she ended at a 4.  I am anxious to see what they do next, but they mentioned that they may even go as far as going to the cemetery.  It's really interesting but more importantly, Chloe is happy there, we love all of the therapists and the culture they have created.  They are such a blessing!  I will keep you posted.

A little more about homeschooling:

Those who are LDS will understand this analogy...have you ever been sitting in fast and testimony meeting and you feel the Spirit prompt you to go up and bear your testimony?  You don't know what you are supposed to say, or why, but you want to be obedient so you walk up to the podium on faith, hoping that the Spirit will move you to say what is needed.  Then you bear your testimony and sure enough, the Spirit gives you words and thoughts you wouldn't have had for yourself, you share them and people say that it was just what they needed to hear or it brought them a lot of comfort.  So you realize it all worked out, but you weren't so sure when you initially had the prompting.

That pretty much explains how I feel about our transition into home education.  I know I'm supposed to do it, and that it will work out, but right now I don't know the particulars of how and I'm walking on faith each day.  But I can say that walking by the Spirit in such a big way is a new and thrilling, as well as a refining process.  And I can truly say that I AM being guided to little things each day which line upon line build our new foundation as I let go and let the Lord mold our little family into what HE wants us to be.  There have been a few tears, but mostly it has been extremely faith promoting.

I mentioned the refining process:  I never realized how judgmental I am.  I never thought of myself as judgmental, particularly because people frequently praise me for being non judgmental.  But as I have gone through this week the Lord has shown me that my pre-conceived ideas and judgments are sometimes false, and I need to expand my thinking while considering the beam in my own eye.

We have begun holding morning devotionals with the kids.  I cannot tell you how this has changed the feeling in our home and brought the Spirit in a big way.  We were watching this video and I could really relate:  Looking Through Windows.

I'm a conformist  and a mainstream kind of girl.  I always have been.  I like to go with the crowd and fit in, not stand out.  So my whole life I have been resistant to anything that went against social norms or philosophies.

The Spirit reminded me that a long time ago, I had an incorrect pre-conceived idea about Mormons, that I judged them and wouldn't even consider listening to their message because I thought they were religious zealots and waaaaay off track of the social norm.

But then a crisis of faith with the death of my father humbled me, and I turned to the Lord for direction.  "Show me where the answers are, show me what to do." And guess where he led me?  Towards the thing I initially believed was weird and outside of the mainstream belief.

This has been a pattern in my life.  I have seen it time and time again....I initially resisted natural health and essential oils because it wasn't the social norm.  And because I was turned off by multilevel marketing.  But guess what, then I had a crisis of health that couldn't be fixed by any Western medicine approach I tried.  That caused me to humble myself and ask the Lord "Show me where the answers are, show me what to do."  And guess where I was led...towards natural health and essential oils!

The same thing about energy work and the same pattern.  The same thing about keeping ALL of my covenants and living a COMPLETELY righteous life, because Mormons that keep ALL of their covenants were too "Mormony" and not relatable, self-righteous and judgmental of others who didn't hold to their same high standards.  Or that they got caught up too much in the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law.  But I've learned that striving to keep all of my covenants with exactness gives me a lot of comfort and power, and that a completely righteous life is the only way for me to be happy.

And now I have arrived at another preconceived idea blown away.  "I don't want to be a homeschool family because they are WEIRD."  Yet I'm finally sensing that the Lord's answers are more often than not going to be outside of the social and cultural norm and I am learning to be okay with that!

I had to do some work to let go of my belief that homeschooling was not effective, here were the three preconceived ideas that I had and how my beliefs are changing as I learn more:

1.  LDS children should be placed in public school to be exposed to the world and to evil so that they may be made stronger.  If you shelter your children from the public school environment how will they react when they come of age and are forced into the world?

I was reminded by the Spirit of the Lord's admonition to "Stand in Holy Places," and I have truly gained a testimony of this.   I learned is that sometimes you can avoid getting burned by staying as far away from the fire as you can.

2.  Homeschoolers are not socialized.
  I think all of our ideas about homeschooling have been formed by dealing with those of the antiquated generation, but modern day homeschooling is different.  Also, conformity is not always in harmony with the teachings of Jesus Christ, and if your child is "weird" they are going to be weird whether at home or at school, homeschooling doesn't make kids "weird."

3.  I am not capable of homeschooling, I would never be able to know what to teach my children, the education of children should be trusted to the professionals.
Who knows my child better than Heavenly Father and their parents?  It's so interesting as I make homeschooling plans for the day, sometimes I feel really excited about them but after I follow the Spirit, I scrap my plans I was so excited about and just do what I'm guided to do.  We always have the most powerful lessons on those days.

It just so happens that I was guided to these essays by Jerry Salcido, a prominent lawyer in Salt Lake City and they wrapped all of my concerns up in three tidy little nutshells.   Links are below if you want to learn more.

Essay on Homeschooling Standing in Holy Places
Essay on Homeschooling You are Capable
Essay on Homeschooling Socialization argument

So I guess what I'm learning is that there will always be extremes in every walk of life, including natural health, the LDS faith and in homeschooling but that the people that put a bad taste in my mouth because they are extreme shouldn't deter me from at least considering the possibility that there may be truth that I need, only in a much more balanced way.  I hope that this experience has made me a much more open minded person.

Each day I hold fast to the belief that "It WILL all work out!"  Thanks for helping us along on our journey!  We love you!