People like to quote the "God never gives you something you can't handle" quote and thinking that I know myself, I think there are just some things that would absolutely break me and I would never be able to come out of whole. I have had a running list of "unthinkable" trials in my mind since my youth. The list includes the most heinous crimes such as having a child be kidnapped and/or hurt by a predator in any way, death or suffering of any of my children, dying alone in a nursing home neglected and lonely, being buried alive...I have thought through and placed on my "Trials Blacklist" some really terrible scenarios. Most of the scenarios involve me or a loved one suffering. But there is one category of trials on the list that seems almost worse than any suffering I could endure.
They are the scenarios in which I cause the suffering of someone else.
I have shuddered inside at the fear of ever inadvertently or carelessly harming someone in any way. How would I ever live with the guilt?
Of course, as it usually happens when I think I can tell Heavenly Father what to do, He has greater lessons for me and a wiser plan. Last week I was forced to face one of those great fears.
On my way to meet a friend for our morning walk, I was making a left hand turn from my neighborhood onto the sometimes busy South Weber Drive, which on that day appeared to be completely unoccupied. With my hands on ten and two, I looked both ways and accelerated to make the turn when in a split-second I felt a crunch and saw a man on a bicycle, first on the hood of my car, then rolling off onto the ground.
The visual flash of that moment continues to haunt me as I sleep, go about my day, drive...it continually pops up out of nowhere as if the incident wasn't enough. My psyche continues to torture me with the post-traumautic reminders of what I have done and how horrible it was.
Sparing the details that followed the accident, in short, the man was alright other than shock and being banged up with scrapes and bruises and a very ruined bike which we quickly replaced with a new one. In the aftermath of the accident throughout my attempts to make reparations I had the opportunity to get to know this man, and was hit even further with the unthinkable possibility that I could have permanently ruined this good and humble man's life with my mistake.
Thankfully, it wasn't worse. It could have been so much worse. But in the end, I still hurt a person who didn't deserve it. Why did this have to happen? Why oh why did my Heavenly Father not send down those angels that He promises will be by my side to bear me up and shield that man from me, or give me some sort of warning or heavenly intervention to prevent it? He could have.
As I ponder the events that followed the accident, I can't help but marvel at the fact that although I didn't get heavenly intervention in the form of preventing the accident, I....the perpetrator, the one who deserved very little mercy in my mind was still the recipient of love from a Father in heaven in other forms of heavenly intervention.
I received many tender mercies in which the timing and circumstances were too specific to be anything other than from God. They were profound and very calculated to let me know that He was with me, and that I was loved. I was reminded that God can manifest good things out of very bad situations as described in Romans 8:28
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
It was and continues to be a great and valuable lesson. I believe that one of the lessons is that I don't need to fear trials, because no matter the trial or the fear, I CAN come out of it without being broken. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I used to think in a limited way about that and thought it just meant I can accomplish hard things, or things I'm not equipped to do on my own. But now I'm seeing that the "all" part encompasses so much more. It means I can grow in Christ, I can endure in Christ, I can suffer graciously in Christ, I can forgive myself in Christ, I can be healed of any trial through Christ and because of his Infinite Atonement.
It was also a great reminder to me that I mustn't fear mistakes. In a wonderful Ensign article "Failure is Part of the Plan," , Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles talks about how progress can be messy. "We are here to learn and grow, but growth doesn’t come without opposition. We all make mistakes."
But this part is the lesson that I have been trying to learn when he says,
“our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward."
My focus has been on this: How will I move forward?
I believe that this is where all of those daily efforts to sustain my faith and testimony come into play. I have the tools to move forward. I know where to turn for peace.
I am doing that thing which I never thought I could do - forgive myself and be at peace with a traumatic event that was unintentionally caused by me.
I am also beginning to learn that future successes are often built upon past failures. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. To quote the article, "Faith doesn't prevent failure, it makes it meaningful."
I am realizing that through hard work and guidance from the Spirit, I have developed a personal formula for finding peace in trials and I can now say that I know it works. I won't share the particulars because they are individual to me, but I challenge you to ask God to help you develop that formula for yourself. It will most definitely involve prayer, service to others and seeking solace in the temple. I don't don't know how to do it without serving others or going to the temple.
If you aren't able to go to the temple, just go sit on the temple grounds and you will feel an increased measure of peace. I promise.
I hope that I can get to the point where I can say "I am thankful for this trial". I hope that sharing this might help uplift you, and that my openness and vulnerability can help someone else to heal too.
And as you go about your week and make mistakes, just remember Molly and think,
"It could be worse, at least I didn't almost kill someone on a bike with my car!"
You're welcome :)
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