Update and Chloe’s Essay

 It has been just over a year since Chloe graduated from IOP at the OCD and Anxiety Clinic. Life has returned to normal and aside from weekly therapy that tapered to biweekly, and OCD hasn’t been the first thing on my mind in a while. That’s why Chloe’s English assignment was a great reminder for me that it wasn’t too long ago that we were in a very very scary place and hurting very badly as a family. We have come a long way, and I’m proud. We are stronger and have great skills. But in the end, this is Chloe’s constant burden to carry and it breaks my heart as a mother to see my child suffer and not be able to fix it.

I wish so badly I could put a bandaid on her and kiss her better, but I can’t. I wish my prayers that she could have friends would be answered but for some reason, she has to endure this loneliness for a time. All I can do is turn it over to the Lord and take each day one day at a time. I can serve others. I can count my blessings and enjoy the happy moments in life. I can trust in the Lord with all of my heart, and that is what I do. 

I am so proud of her. Words cannot even begin to express how grateful I am that she gets up every day and lives. And I know some days, she may only be doing that for the sole purpose of not hurting me. You know, one of the myths about people with mental illness is that they are weak. But Lynn put it so well once when she said, “People with OCD are really the strongest among us.” Because the sheer effort to ignore the intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, and heavy burden of depression and anxiety that they bring is a gargantuan daily task ...yet they get up and take on life every day anyway.  I wish the young people who used to be or might be her friends could understand this, and be able to overlook that someone carrying this kind of burden can’t always be cheerful and sweet all the time. My hope is that as I continue to share our journey, more empathy and understanding will be gained. 

Chloe recently had an English assignment about the hardest thing she had to overcome, and she chose to write about her perspective of our family’s experience last year and her battle with mental illness.  I thought I would share, since those of you who have been following our journey have only heard from me up to this point. And so, the fight to live uncertain continues...

Chloe Collings 

Mrs. Astle English 12

Period 3 

The Hardest Thing I’ve Overcome 

How do you write about a hardship you have been through when the hardest thing you deal with never actually ends? I could write about the hardest thing I’ve been through or overcome, but I wouldn’t be telling the truth. My life experiences are with out a doubt the hardest thing I have been through. At age 12 I was diagnosed with OCD and Anxiety. Little did 

I know that would be the start of a never-ending journey. What are you supposed to tell your friends when you’re pulled from school because you cant make it a day without having to call your mom to come pick you up? Starting therapy just felt embarrassing. I didn’t want help, I didn’t think I needed it. For weeks I resented my mom for making me go, I was the youngest one there. I was surrounded by twenty year olds maybe older, I was the youngest person to ever receive their treatment. An old beat down building was where I went for 3 hours a day Monday through Friday, facing my fears and intentionally raising my anxiety. Four brutal months later, I finished treatment thinking I was cured and my mental illnesses had gone away. Junior high was all a blur… I thought I was living the best life anyone could live. Then I started  high school, and I felt like I was on cloud nine. No one could stop me from living my life, I had amazing friends and classes that were so much fun. As my sophomore year continued, I started losing my friends with no explanations, “obviously it isn’t me”, I thought. “I guess Im just too mature for them”. The further I got into the year, the more friends I lost. The more friends I lost, the more I realized it WAS because of me.  I ate lunch in the library and stayed to myself. Second semester I found a new group I thrived with, there was never a dull moment. April rolled around and I was back on cloud nine, at least I thought. Running late to work, I came downstairs in a rush, my parents were on the phone deciding who was going to go “help.”

Confused but more worried about getting to work, I asked “who’s taking me to work?’’ Finally my sister took me and my mom called saying my cousin Jacob had gone missing. Being fifteen I was worried but I was also naïve, I thought they will find him all will be fine. After what felt like the longest shift of my entire life my mom picked me up. Driving home I asked “Did you find Jake?” She stared at the road ahead with no expression and said “We will talk about it when we get home”. Arriving home everything felt weird, my dad couldn’t look me in the eyes. My family and I sat on the couch and my dad started tearing up. I was so confused, but then he uttered the words that changed my life forever. “Last night Jake took his own life.” I stared at my dad with no emotion on my face. I was broken, my heart had been ripped from my chest. Never in my life have I felt a pain so strong, life as I knew it had stopped.

How do you move on after the whole structure of your childhood is gone? What are you supposed to do when the person you looked up to, and aspired to be is suddenly gone and you didn't get the chance to say goodbye? Everyone’s world came to a sudden stop, but not mine. I went to school everyday, treated life like nothing had happened. I was fine. I convinced everyone include myself that I was, but how could I have been ok? The very thing that made me who I am felt wrong, I felt fake like my entire life was a lie. It seemed as if my childhood memories had been thrown out the window. Everyday felt endless and each day it got harder to push through, I wondered “What is the point, why am I living in this much pain? “Eventually I broke, I couldn’t take it, I wanted the pain gone no matter what the cost. I felt like I had said my goodbyes when I  decided my time on this earth needed to be over. I grabbed any pill I knew wasn’t good for me, I  forced them down and went to bed. Waking up to my parents crying and not knowing what to do, guilt and regret filled my body. “Why why why?” My parents asked, I had no answer, at least not one they wanted to hear. How do you tell your parents who gave you the best life you could ask for, that you didn’t want to live anymore? I was rushed to the hospital where I spent the rest of the day, it is all a blur I didn’t want to remember so I pushed it away. The only thing I knew was it was time to go back to therapy. I was terrified, I didn’t want to go back to the place I hated so much, but this time it was so different. Nothing was the same, my previous therapist was now the CEO of the company and there was a youth program started all because of me.

My time in therapy was not wasted, I was with a new therapist and we dug to the root of all my ocd, anxiety and depression. For a while I was alone, the only youth until more and more kids joined. I met my best friends and I got better, I learned new skills to cope with my illness, and make it through my day to day life. Another four months later I graduated from therapy and I was sent back into the real world. But I was alone, overcoming challenges can be incredibly difficult but facing them alone can tear you apart. I had all of my family with me but that was all, and even that felt like nothing. Loneliness does not depend on how many friends or relationships you have. Loneliness depends entirely on the subjective quality of your relationships and whether you feel emotionally and/or socially disconnected from those around you. Going through life feeling alone is a heavy pain to carry and at times it may feel lifted but never fully gone. At least not for me, regardless of the fact there are thousand of people who love me, I bear all of my pain alone for the sole purpose of not wanting to be a burden.

I cant say I’ve ever overcome anything extremely hard because I am still in the process of overcoming it all. Every day is different, I live each day like it’s my last because you never know when your last day truly is. I live in a open world where I do what I want, but with the  restrictions of the law and my morals. Francisco Renaissance’s famous lasts words were “I go off to  seek a Great Perhaps.” These are my words hope, my inspiration. Everyday I am seeking a Great Perhaps, never knowing what I will find or where it will take me, however I accept the challenges life throws my way. People ask me if I could get rid of my illnesses, would I? I’ve always wondered what it would be like, but I wouldn’t change anything about me or my life. 

What I’ve been through makes me who I am, I am not defined by my mental illness but it is and always will be a part of me. I have overcome a lot but there is no way I could tell the story of my greatest hardship. After all, I’m still living through it.