The
Four Basic Skills and The Power of Praise
The entirety of this info. is from the
book Parenting a House United, Changing Children’s Hearts and Behaviors by
Teaching Self Government. by Nicholeen Peck.
I do not work for Nicholeen, I am just a mom whose family has been
changed by the sharing of these principles.
This is merely of a sample of the goodness that is contained in her
book, which may be purchased on amazon.com or on her website.
Part
I. The Four Basic Skills:
99%
of behavioral problems fall into one f the Four Basic Skills. If a child is whining, the problem is not
disagreeing appropriately. If a youth
has an attitude problem she is probably not accepting a “no” answer. When my child doesn’t take his dish over to
the sink, he is not following instructions.
Whenever things don’t seem right, or when someone isn’t happy, I only
have to think of these four skills and decide what we are forgetting to do and
make the appropriate change or recommitment.
Why I love the Four Basic Skills
· These are the four basic skills Nicholeen Peck
learned as she began doing foster care for the Utah Youth Village and all notes
are from her book Parenting – A House
United.
· These skills take almost every situation in life and
give you the steps for how to handle the situation.
· I don’t know of any other program which actually
teaches people how to communicate like behaviorally healthy people do by
practicing actual steps.
· After a couple of months, your children will have less
anxiety and frustration and they will be changed.
· Children need to learn that they are in control of
what they feel. They get to choose
happiness. The four basic skills and the
five teaching styles (class #4) teach cause and effect in a way which encourages
children to choose happiness, while honoring their agency. Let your children know that their happiness
is up to them and that happiness is a choice.
Parenting isn’t about doing anything to our children. Parenting is about teaching our children to
choose good and happiness for themselves, by themselves.
· Home should be the safest place to make a mistake. These skills allow us to make mistakes
without shame, blame or ruined relationships.
The Four Basic
Skills Are:
1.
Following Instructions
2.
Accepting No Answers and Criticism
3. Accepting
Consequences
4. Disagreeing
Appropriately
Skill
#1 Following Instructions
This
is the foundation of the four basic skills.
All success at home comes back to if the children are able to follow
their parent’s instructions or not. If a
child refuses to follow your instructions then they are showing you they don’t
respect you as parents of the home, don’t care about anyone but themselves, and
don’t care about the structure of the family.
It only takes one person behaving this way to destroy the family vision.
That
being said, these skills are not meant to turn your children into mindless
obeying robots either! They are meant to give your children words and steps to
associate with how to problem solve their own behaviors and respect their
family members.
- Have you ever had a situation where a child has done
something wrong and then you ask the child what they did wrong or why their
action was wrong and they said “I don’t know?”
Really,
the child probably doesn’t know where they made a mistake. They only know that someone didn’t like
something they did.
Teaching
a child to follow instructions in the following manner will teach the child
exactly what good behaviors look like and feel like and will give the child a
check list to figure out exactly where they need to improve on their respect
skills.
If the child respects their parent as a leader, then
every other skill is generally automatically successful.
Note: If following the Four Basic Skills becomes a
constant problem then the parent knows their parent/child relationship needs
help, and that a large focus needs to be on relationship building. Learning to understand your child (Class
#2), family activities, one on one and
family meetings (Class #5) will help with this!
Steps to Following Instructions:
1.
Look at the
person-
· Looking at a person is a signal that a person
respects another person.
· Shows the person you are looking at that you are
ready to receive communication from them.
· Most important: eyes are the window to the
soul. By looking into your eyes, your
child sees the love and kindness in your heart.
Your child can see your concern and acceptance of them so they know they
can trust your instructions. You can see
the condition of their heart too.
Note: If your child can’t make eye contact, then
you know your child doesn’t respect you at the moment, might not feel love for
you right then, and probably isn’t ready for an instruction yet.
2.
Keep a calm voice and a calm face (body)
· If your child responds to instructions with the
following behaviors, they are showing disrespect and anxiety, and you can’t
really teach them anything this way.
- clenched teeth
- rolling eyes
- clenched fists
- cocked hip
- whining
- crying
- yelling
-snapping back
· Respect must be established before any teaching
takes place otherwise the child’s heart won’t be able to be changed or improved
anyway. Seriously, if I had to choose
between a made bed and a respectful relationship, I would choose the
relationship. For example:
If I am telling my child to make his
bed and he becomes disrespectful, I am not going to push the bed issue, I am
going to push the respect issue. Once
the respect issue is taken care of, the bed issue won’t be an issue at
all. If my child storms off to clean his
room with an attitude problem or with tears rolling down his face, what have I
gained: a clean room? Who really cares
about a clean room when a relationship is a mess or a person has anxiety about
something and we haven’t helped that person learn how to deal with that anxiety
so he can be happy?
Note: In an effort to understand your children, try
to keep in mind how you feel when you are anxious. Now, take that anxious feeling and times it
by three. Children are way more anxious
than most adults because they are so helpless and dependent upon other people
for everything they need. Also, many
things they are experiencing are for the very first time!
·
When children learn to
keep their voice, face and body calm when they are talking to you, then they
are less likely to allow anxiety to control them. If my children choose to be calm, they are
choosing happiness.
3.
Say “OK” or ask to Disagree Appropriately
· When I give my children an instruction or a “no”
answer, I want them to tell me, and remind themselves they are okay with the
fact that I am their parent and I have the authority to give them
instructions. This is a verbal
confirmation of respect.
· Okay is also a really calm word. It suggests that things are okay. It gives children the power to choose
happiness.
There
is an alternative to saying okay:
· Disagreeing
appropriately – Sometimes a youth
really doesn’t feel that an instruction, “no” answer or consequence is right or
fair. In order to understand your child
completely, and continue to have a good relationship with them, you may give them
an opportunity to express themselves if done in a calm way. (Steps to
disagreeing appropriately will be discussed later during this workshop)
· When giving a child an instruction, they can say
“okay” or they can say, “okay, but may I disagree appropriately?” This last statement still shows they are okay
with me giving them an instruction, but then declares they would like to
discuss my instruction further before an actual decision is made. This is great self-government!
4.
Do the task immediately – Following through with an instruction is another
sign of respect. Asking favors is
something you do to adults. It is very
kind, but also very vague for children.
Following through with a chore, an instruction or responsibility is a
skill that will bless the child for her whole life.
*Nagging - Nagging is when you repeatedly ask
or tell someone to do something because the person isn’t getting the task done
in a decent amount of time. Nagging can
ruin relationships.
Don’t
nag, there is no need to. If the child
didn’t follow instructions, then correct the behavior. The person would simply go through a
corrective teaching with her parents and then earn an extra chore, or whatever
your family has decided is the negative consequence for a minor offense. After the corrective teaching, remind them of
the steps to following instructions and move on with your day.
*Note: If your spouse doesn’t
follow instructions, you shouldn’t corrective teach them. Husbands and wives should get in the habit of
trusting each other to finish things they promise to finish. If a spouse doesn’t do what was asked, either
go to them and communicate honestly, without manipulation or emotion, about the
instruction, let the task go undone, or just do it yourself and choose to give
your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
Husbands and wives have to learn how to effectively communicate with
each other if they expect to be able to effectively communicate with their
children; this means we have to respect our spouses enough not to nag them
either.
5.
Check back (tell the person you’re finished) – Also very respectful. “Mom I finished the dishes, is there anything
else?”
When
children get to return and report, you get the opportunity to tell them what a
great job they did at the task and they have the opportunity to receive
praise. If my children never came to let
me know they finished a task, I wouldn’t get the opportunity to show them
through praise that good equals good and bad equals bad.
Skill
#2 Accepting No Answers and Criticism
· Criticism means to critique something for the good
or the bad.
· No answers come in many forms – examples: “No, you may not have that cookie right now.”
If a child is in a three legged race and doesn’t win, that is also a No
answer. If a child can’t spell a word
for a spelling bee, that is a no answer.
If a child gets left out from a group of friends, that is a no answer. Basically, if you don’t get something you
want, that is a no answer. Preparing
children to accept a no answer gracefully can help them choose happiness.
Steps to Accepting No Answers or Criticism:
1. Look at the
person
2. Keep a calm voice and face and body
3. Say “okay” or ask to disagree appropriately
4. Drop the subject (Stop talking about it or fix the
situation)
What
are some ways that children do not accept no answers?
An
example of an interaction for basic skill #2 looks like this:
“Mom,
can I play my game on the computer?”
“Thanks
for asking Quin, but we can’t right now, we have to start getting ready for
bed.”
Quin
looks at Mom keeps a calm voice, face and body and says “Okay”. He walks off without any attitude, or
anger. He has effectively dropped the
subject.
What
happens if Quin doesn’t choose to accept a “No” answer? Apply corrective teaching. (Corrective
teaching will be taught in upcoming courses but here is an example.)
Tell yourself, “My child is not accepting a no answer.”
“Son, I notice that you are wearing these
clothes. These clothes need to be saved
for another day, so you didn’t accept a no answer. What you should have done, is you should have
looked at me, said okay or asked to disagree appropriately because those are
the steps to accepting a no answer. Then
be happy with the clothes that you had on.
Since you chose not to do that then you have earned an extra chore.”
Then drop the subject
When kids fight or yell, have a conversation with
them later:
“Son, do you remember what happened with ______ a
few minutes ago?”
“Yes, I yelled, etc.”
“Did it help?”
They should say no
“So what you did at that time was you didn’t
disagree appropriately. When you get
angry at another person, what you’re trying to do is disagree but it’s in a way
that they won’t ever listen. What you
should’ve done, is just looked at him, kept a calm voice and a calm face, calm
body, and then said,
“Can I disagree appropriately?” He would say yes because our family knows how
to do that. You could say ______ I understand that you wanted to play with
that thing, but I’ve given you a no answer and I need you to respect the no
answer, ok?
He would probably say ok, but if he didn’t, then at
that point you can probably go get your mom and she can help you sort it
out. But when you get angry, the thing
is that even your mom doesn’t feel like she wants to help you as much because
it feels like, you are maybe trying to get someone in trouble or something like
that.
But she’ll probably help you.
So since you chose not to behave appropriately then
you’ve earned an extra chore. So what
we’ll have you do is clear off the counter.
Good job saying ok!
So let’s practice right now how to disagree
appropriately because brothers do need quite a bit of practicing for! Let’s pretend that this is your toy and you
set it down and then I’m going to take it and I’m going to start ruining
it. So what are you going to do?
“I’m going to ask if I could disagree
appropriately. You are taking apart and
ruining that and it’s mine, will you please stop?”
The one part I want us to practice is for us to say,
I understand that you want to play with that right now. If you tell them you understand them then
they will listen more to what you have to say.
Practice again.
I think you’re not going to have a problem in the
future, right?
Skill
#3 Accepting a Consequence
· Very similar to skill #2, the only step that is
different is “carry out the consequence.”
·
Steps to Accepting Consequences:
· Look at the
person
· Keep a calm voice and face and body
· Say “okay” or ask to disagree appropriately
· Carry out the consequence
· Drop the subject
An example of accepting a consequence
interaction can look like this:
“Paije, a few minutes ago, I gave you an instruction
to take out the kitchen garbage. You
looked at the person, kept a calm voice, face and body, and said ‘okay,’ but
you didn’t do the task immediately.”
(Right here I tell her what she should have done and why.)
“Since you didn’t follow instructions, you have
earned an extra chore. Okay?”
Paige would look at mom, keep a calm voice, face and
body and say “okay,” or disagree appropriately, then go take the garbage out
and do her extra chore: wash the banister.
Paije would also not talk about the subject anymore.
Skill
#4 Disagreeing Appropriately
· Is a healthy, assertive skill (see the first class
to review aggressive, passive, passive aggressive and assertive)
· Shows respect
· Seek to understand, then be understood.
· Child has opportunity to state their opinion, then
listens to the decision of the parent.
Steps to Disagreeing Appropriately:
· Look at the
person
· Keep a calm voice and face and body
· Say that you understand the other person’s opinion
· Say your opinion
· Listen to the decision and accept it (Skills 1,2,
&3)
· Drop the subject
An example of disagreeing
appropriately interaction can look like this:
“Mom, can I have a cookie?”
Mom says, “No Porter. We are going to have dinner ready soon.”
Porter says, “Okay, but can I disagree
appropriately?”
“Sure Porter”
“I know you don’t want me to have a cookie, but I
really want one.” This is not a very
persuasive disagreement, but is an appropriate one and a great step to learning
how to govern his own emotions and behaviors so I will often times reward this
simple kind of disagreement by saying,
“Porter you are so good at disagreeing
appropriately. Since you chose to
disagree appropriately, you may have half of a cookie before dinner and eat the
rest after dinner.”
An example of disagreeing appropriately
with an older youth:
“Dad, can I dye my hair blue?”
Dad would answer no because colored hair is against
the family standard.
Then the youth would say, “Okay but may I disagree
appropriately?”
“Sure”
“Dad, I know you don’t want me to dye my hair blue
because its against the family standard, but I am cast as a fairy in the play,
and the director has told us to dye our hair a different color. Could I just use washout blue for the play?”
Dad points out that because the child disagreed
appropriately, he is now able to listen to her and give her different
options.
Teaching
the Four Basic Skills for the First Time
Pull all the children together and
teach them the steps to following instructions. Then play with the new skill by giving each other
instructions. Next teach skill number
two and so on until you have moved through all four of the basic skills. Play with all of them like a game by taking
turns doing the skills. Be sure to
praise everyone when they complete skills appropriately.
After you have taught all the skills,
then tell the children they have learned the new skills wonderfully. So that you can effectively teach them by
using cause and effect, you will want to teach them how you will correct them
if they don’t choose to do one of the skills correctly. Pre-teaching is also an effective skill with
other behaviors you want your children to learn. If you play a game called, “the go to bed
game” before it is bedtime the child is not emotionally attached to going to
bed and will learn the skill quickly.
In our game we say, “It’s time to go
to bed.” and everyone tries to run to bed the fastest. Mom and Dad praise how well the children went
to bed. “You are so good at going to
bed! I know that you will be so good at
going to bed tonight! You are amazing!” After this preteaching game, bedtime is much happier.
Contact Molly for copies of the 4 Skills Charts and Job Jar for consequences
Part
II. Praise – Making it worth it
· Praising is the number one most effective style of teaching
of all the five different teaching styles, (next class will teach the others). If a person gets praised for being a good
cook, the person will attempt cooking again.
If a person is praised for being good at art, the person will attempt
other art projects again, and will probably tell everyone they are good at art
too.
· Praising any behavior in front of other children will
encourage other children to mimic the behavior which was praised as well.
· Praising shows children what “good” looks like.
· The magic of praise:
it can change hearts! Praising a
child changes their countenance. If you
are feeling frustrated by a child’s behavior, you can change the entire mood of
your home by pointing out the positives and praising. You will see a twinkle in their eyes!
How Often Should I Praise My Child?
To
be exact, you should praise your children six to ten times for every time
you correct them. This is a
reachable number! Your child does way
more good things in a day than bad things.
The only problem is that most of the good things go unnoticed; probably because
we are caught up in the chaos of the bad choices. Even if some of those bad choices are
overwhelming, children still need to be praised to show that good things get
praised and bad things get corrected.
How Should I Praise My Child?
Praising
doesn’t need to be complicated, but it also shouldn’t be the same two words
every time.
Be specific: describe exactly what the child did right so
the behavior can easily be repeated, and so the person feels their praise is
specific to them. Such as:
“Just
now I was walking past your room and noticed that it looks beautiful! You are a great cleaner.”
“Just
now I gave you a no answer and you looked at me, kept a calm voice and body and
said okay, then you dropped the subject!
That was the perfect way to accept a No answer! You didn’t miss a step. You are remembering the four skills so well.”
“I
have noticed that you and your brother have been playing happily this
morning. You are going to be such good
friends if you keep playing so nicely. You really know how to be a great
friend.”
“You
do a fantastic job remembering to buckle your seatbelt when you get in the
car. Well done!”
Remind Yourself to Praise
Perfect
people may always remember to praise, but I am not perfect so I have given
myself signals to remind me to praise more. If I notice I am becoming too serious I am
reminded to praise. If I notice my
marriage relationship not feeling like I would like it to feel, I praise. If I notice that my home feels stressed, I
praise more. If I realize I am always
correcting one child more than others, I praise.
Praise is the language of love and
appreciation!
Click here to go to the Self Government Website
Links to tutorials by Nicholeen:
Introduction to Self Government: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heFZ1RxOTlg
How to stop nagging: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fY3mS3iSko
Power struggles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC-plBtIsB0
Correcting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahMxmrSpRsU
How to disagree appropriately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uJ5YCnw9s4
Praising an obstinate child: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1dxeN_mQmE
Proven parenting skills: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ednZW6bTkkc
Nicholeen's family on the BBC show "World's Strictest Families" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPrk6XbGb3I
