Virginia girl in a Utah world: Getting to Know your Children Inside Out

Message me and I can email you the hard copy.

Last Class Recap/Followup

Last month, in our parenting workshop we talked about:

-the attributes of Heavenly Father as a parent 

-how the changes you want for your family begin with YOU!  

-power of staying CALM and how to do it.

More thoughts on staying calm:

7 Ways to Relieve stress in Under an Hour- Click here

Prevention Magazine: “5 Ways to Calm Down Fast” - Click Here

Helpful Calming Techniques - Click Here

Getting to Know Your Children Inside Out – Part 1

Taken from the Book Principles of Self Government – Parenting a House United

I. Know Your Children

To inspire your child to govern his own behaviors, and find the mission he was sent to this earth to perform, you have to know who he is and what is inside of him. Before and during teaching your children the skills to govern themselves, make sure you can always answer the following questions:

-What does my child want more than anything else right now?

- How does my child see the world?

- How does my child communicate her feelings to people?

- What does my child think about me?

Be honest. Do they feel they can trust you?

Write the names of your children or family members down the left margin of this paper. After each of the next segments, write the appropriate description next to each person listed on your paper.

I. Talkers vs. Listeners

Talkers:

For the most part, talkers are easy. At some point, they will tell you everything you want to know. If you have a problem with them or they have a problem with you, you can talk it all out and then the issue is really over.

The bad part about talkers is they get themselves in trouble by talking too much or at the wrong times. Talkers have a bad habit of “putting their foot in their mouth.” Talkers are more apt to talk back to their elders, tell thoughts they should have just kept to themselves.

Take the time to educate your talkers on when behaviors are appropriate. A good phrase to use is:

“This is not the time or the place.”

Helping Talkers Learn How to Stop Talking:

- If you are going to an occasion where excessive talking is not socially acceptable, prepare the child by talking about the appropriate behavior which is expected, and remind them of the negative and positive consequences to following instructions.

- Teach children how to accept “no” answers so that they are prepared to accept your authority as their parent when you say, “You need to stop talking.”

Listeners:

Listeners are not always easy to pick out as you would think. The stereotypical listener is on the quiet side. He watches and listens to everything you say, but doesn’t ever give you feedback. The listener is having a conversation with you inside his head the whole time you are talking. He doesn’t throw out his pearls of wisdom and thought to just anyone, anywhere. Before the listener will tell you the amazing thoughts which are happening inside his head, he has to be sure you are a true friend, and a trustworthy person. He will also wait for an environment where he feels safe to talk to you.

Helping Listeners Learn How to Talk:

- If your child has a hard time opening up with you at home, give them 10 min. alone time each day to just talk with you. Let everyone else know that during the appointed time, you are not to be interrupted. During this time ask questions and have them practice giving answers. Encourage them to ask you questions.

Many people can be a combination of talkers and listeners. If a child is a talker, and suddenly becomes a listener it may be a sign of an honesty issue.

Add talker or listener to each name on your list:

II. Planners vs. Live in the Moment People

Planners:

If you are a spontaneous parent, try to prepare your planners by giving them information on what you are doing for the day.

With planners, try to always remember to give them a new plan if the old plan is going to change. At the same time, if they know how to accept “no” answers and disagree appropriately then they shouldn’t have too much trouble with changing plans anyway. (These skills will be introduced in a future workshop).

Planners are often anxious they will never get missed opportunities again. This anxiety causes a lot of emotional stress which usually manifests itself in tears, pouting, and attitude problems.

Live in the Moment:

Live in the moment people seem to go along for the ride, no matter where it takes them. If there was a plan, and the plan changes, they don’t mind too much. Live in the moment people seem to look at each moment separately and don’t get too attached to things working out according to plan right then.

It could be easy to assume that live in the moment people don’t experience stress; this is not true. If life becomes too planned, a live in the moment person becomes miserable because he feels his need for spontaneous living isn’t met. Live in the moment people do need time to just “live.” So, make sure they have time every day to study the things they want to study and do the activities they want to do. These free moments fuel their souls and give them inspiration for the more structured times.

Help each child to become a good mix! Add planner and live in the moment to the names on your list.

III. Line Drivers vs. Road Makers

Line Drivers:

They like to do things exactly “right.” If they can’t do it “right” then they think they cannot do the task. Line drivers are great at precision and following instructions.

Be sure to show line driver children exactly what you want them to do when you give them instructions. Ask them something like, “Do you know the steps to cleaning the bathroom now? What are they? Fantastic! You are ready to do it all by yourself now! You sure are growing bigger!”

Line drivers also work well with lists. You could make a list of the steps to doing a chore while you are teaching them so they can refer to it next time.

Road Makers:

Road makers like to invent stuff and follow their own set of rules. They see life as an adventure in exploration. They are not intimidated by much. When road makers are confronted with a problem, they look at the problem and decide what kind of road to make in order to manage or solve the problem. Whether the road is good or bad is not a part of this explanation

Tips for parenting a road maker:

- Let them try new things and fail. Failure is important for roadmakers to experience.

- If you want something done right ask them to verbally go over the steps to a task before you have them begin.

- Try to let go of some of your line driver tendencies. There are many ways to solve a problem.

- If you want something done specifically be sure to give specific instructions, otherwise the roadmaker will do it her way.

Where line drivers are a bit more dependent upon a certain way of doing things to guide them, road makers are often times too independent. Is there a happy medium? Yes, most adults end up being a mixture of both.

Add line driver or road maker to the names on your list.

IV. Detail Oriented vs. Big Picture Oriented

Detail Oriented:

Detail oriented people usually like to see proof before they will buy into a vision or an idea. Books are always good for evidence. When I have a child who becomes argumentative about family policy or who gets so caught up in details that they become overwhelmed I remember to talk things out more with my detail oriented child.

Big Picture Oriented:

Are great at seeing the whole picture, but don’t always take care of the details they need to. Big picture easily relate concepts together.

The world needs people who are good at seeing big pictures and details, but for a family to run effectively there needs to be both big pictures and details, so each family member has to work on trying to improve perspective in the area where they are weak.

Add detail oriented or big picture oriented beside each name on your list.

V. Love Languages

Great book called The Five Love Languages of Children.

-words of affirmation

-physical touch

-gifts

-quality time

-acts of service

It’s good for everyone in the family to know each other’s love languages. Idea: make it into a FHE game.

VI. Motivators

What does your child like most? Snacks, money, play alone time, play time with friends, time with mom and dad, movies, computer games, books, surprises, gifts, telephone calls? Assess on a regular basis what your children care most about so you can be prepared to help them set goals if they are having a hard time choosing to control their behaviors.

Make a list of what motivates each child most. If you are not sure, ask them. They know. You never know when this list will come in handy!

Getting to Know Your Children Inside Out – Part 2

Energy Profiling

I. Why Energy Profiling?

This month, we are learning about something that has DRASTICALLY changed and improved my relationships with each member of my family by helping me to clearly and thoroughly understand them better. It's called energy profiling, and it is AWESOME!!!

Each one of Heavenly Father’s Children is so unique and special! Think of snowflakes...no snowflake is alike, however if you look closely the basic structures are the same. Some are 5 pointed snowflakes, some are triangular....each one unique but sharing common themes.

The basis for Energy Profiling in the book The Child Whisperer is that every child expresses one (or more!) of four general patterns in their body language, behavior and personality. They’re what Tuttle calls the “Four Types.” The idea is that if you honor your child for who they are the most core level they will be happier, more cooperative, and you will need to discipline them less. We’re listening, Carol!

The better we can understand their energy types, the better we can tailor our parenting approaches. The results will grow into a wonderful relationship of love and trust, and they will feel a HUGE relief, knowing "My mom gets me!" I am seeing this happen within my own family and it has been powerful. I can honestly say that tantrums are a thing of the past.

I came across this information thanks to a friend who responded to a prompting to drop off a book at my house. The timing was impeccable and totally inspired. I had just been praying and pleading, crying to Heavenly Father over one child whom I was constantly struggling with. I couldn't figure him out at all and I was stumped! Nothing was working and it was disrupting the whole home. After studying about the different energy types, I have been able to make huge strides! I was also able to meet Carol and take her class during a Winter Homeschool Conference last January at Weber State. This information is from those notes, as well as from her websites.

For info about Carol Tuttle and more in depth about energy types: www.myenergyprofile.com

http://thechildwhisperer.com

II. What Is Energy Profiling?

“The beauty of Energy Profiling® is that it does not just look at a person’s personality, it also includes behavior tendencies, thought and feeling processes, body language, and physical features. It is a simple system taught in a concise way that is easy to learn and apply.

What makes Energy Profiling® one of the most accurate assessment tools is it’s reference to not only personality traits, but to our unique expression in body language and physical features. Because personality can be altered, adapted, and shamed, many people are not living true to their dominant expression in all areas of life. Consider the possibility that the way you doodle and your facial features may say more about who you really are than your personality!

Here is a quick overview of each Type:

Nitrogen, Type 1: The bright, animated person who has a gift for new ideas and possibilities. The natural movement of Type 1 is upward and light. This can be seen in a Type 1 person’s personality and also their body language and physical features. A person with a dominant Type 1 expression is naturally an upward, light, upbeat person. Famous Type 1 people include: Rachel Ray, Goldie Hawn, Jim Carrey, and Will Smith.

Oxygen, Type 2: The soft and calming person who has a gift for gathering details and making plans. The natural movement of Type 2 is fluid and flowing. This can be seen in a Type 2 person’s personality and also in their body language ad physical features. Famous Type 2 people include: Jennifer Aniston, Emma Thompson, Randy Jackson, and Richard Gere.

Hydrogen, Type 3: The swift and dynamic person who has a gift for moving into action quickly to create practical and lasting results. The natural movement of Type 3 is active and reactive. This can be seen in a Type 3 person’s personality and also in their body language and physical features. Famous Type 3 people include: Robert Redford, Hugh Jackman, Tina Turner, and Maria Shriver.

Carbon, Type 4: The structured and exact person who has a gift for looking at the world through a critical eye and perfecting it. The natural movement of a Type 4 person is constant and precise. This can be seen in a Type 4 person’s personality and also in their body language and physical features. Famous Type 4 people include: Keanu Reeves, Simon Cowell, Demi Moore, and Audrey Hepburn.”

I love how each energy type lends their gifts to complete a process.

Type 1’s have the ideas

Type 2’s make the plans and work out the details

Type 3’s put the plan into action

Type 4’s look at the entire system, recognize flaws, and perfect it to run more smoothly.

I can see how the adversary would influence us to see some of these gifts in others as annoyances or as weaknesses. Understanding and honoring a spouse or a child’s energy type can reduce friction and help us to focus on their gifts and stand in awe at what they have to offer us and the world, rather than dwelling on what we perceive as weaknesses.

IV. How Does This Relate to Parenting?

Sometimes our parenting strategy is contrary to our child’s true nature and it causes friction.

Albert Einstein wrote, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” The question I have for you at this point of our journey together is, “What is your genius?”

Learning your child’s energy type can help you to find their genius. You will be able to teach them and communicate with them based on their learning style/nature.

You will be able to raise your children to know and say to you:

“You get me, you know me, you love and value me.”

Misbehavior is usually 3 steps out of the root stressor. Then we discipline that behavior and get into patterns. Knowing your child’s energy type can help you identify the root stressor. Are they worried? Are they feeling misunderstood or stifled?

Has your child ever said, “I hate you?” The translation of message is really:

“I hate that you don’t get me. This is hard.”

Each child has a dominant type of movement, in which they relate to the world. You can also identify a child or person’s energy type based on their facial features. More details on the energy types in children:

V. An In Depth Look at the Four Types from a Parenting Perspective

Type 1 Children

· Are Fun loving

· Their gifts are – Ideas, and the ability to connect and disconnect quickly

· Facial features: Circles, widow’s peaks, faces create hearts, apple cheeks, star points, large grin and smiling face, pointed ears, button noses, their faces express more animation and youthfulness.

· Up and out movement, like air. They are animated. They are everyone’s friend, playful, they lift the energy in a room.

· Their preferred method of connection is: social

Parents can motivate Type 1 children by offering them social interactions or by making things fun. For example, a Type 1 child will be excited to do their chores if they are made into a game. Waiting at the dr.’s office can be pleasant if parents can encourage them to use their creativity to find a way to make it fun. Learning will not be resisted if it is in the form of something fun, or set to music.

Mistakes parents often make with a Type 1:

Don’t set Type 1’s and 3’s up for failure by putting them in a situation where they have to sit still. It isn’t reasonable to expect a higher energy child to sit for long periods of time.

Children can often take over types 1 and 2 parents with less structure.

· Type 1’s are often judged as flighty, hyperactive, unreliable

· Learning style: priority should be given to hands based, interactive learning. Will thrive in networks, newness, field trips, meeting different people.

How to Communicate Better with a Type 1: Click Here

If you are a Type 1 parent

· You may be all over the place

· Try not to create frenzied energy

· Help yourself to bring balance, do grounding exercises

· Take it a day at a time. Ask yourself what’s the priority for the day? Am I having fun? Is there a sense of order and harmony here? Is too much going on? Type 1’s say yes too easily and can overload themselves.

Podcast on mistakes Type 1 moms often make: Click Here

Type 2 Children

· Sensitive child. Thoughtful, tender, gentle, need things to be comfortable, will take on other’s energies. Often Introverted

· Deep powerful movement, like downward flowing water.

· Their gifts are: Making plans, and working out the details,

· Facial features: Downward movement towards jawline, S curves, hooded brow, lips turn down, oval face. Softer, more sensitive quality. Doe eyes.

· Primary method of connection – Emotional (which may mean lots of whining!)

Child whisperer blog – How to End Whining - Click Here

· Type 2’s need lots of validation. You can say, “Thanks for sharing,” without actually having to agree.

· Type 2’s are often judged as: Shy, slow, wimpy, hypersensitive

Moms can talk about your Type 2 children in front of them- the way you want to validate them and feed their energy.

· Learning style – need a plan as a priority, have them be involved in the plan

· Need cuddles and connection physically

· Need time to adapt to new environments, gradually help them feel comfortable – gradually. Let them know things ahead of time

· Type 2 boys and men love gadgets and techy stuff

· Are Worriers

Mistakes parents often make raising a Type 2 child: - Click Here

Teach them to express their emotions correctly and help them feel safe doing it. Do not tell them to stop crying or expressing themselves.

If you are a Type 2 parent:

Caring often turns to worrying. Dad’s especially may be over planning or detail planning your kids. Children can often take over types 1 and 2 parents with less structure.

How to Communicate Better with a Type 2: Click Here

Type 3 Children

· The determined child

· active, determined, busy, energetic, take charge

· Primary connection – Physical

· They like hands on projects, they think big.

· Facial features: More substantial nose, “Lump of clay” nose, angular, asymmetrical features, deep smile lines, textured skin, determined and dynamic, or even exotic beauty. Rugged.

· Practical – They will ask, “What’s the value of this?”

· Type 3’s are often judged as: too loud, demanding, defiant, pushy

· They need lots of physical activity and outdoors

Parents can motivate Type 3 children by saying “How fast can you get that done?” Then let them earn a reward. For example, you can turn doing chores into a race. You can get a Type 3 kid to do just about anything if you turn it into a competition “I’ll time you.”

If you have a toddler that takes off clothes, climbs out of the crib, etc. Remove the temptations.

Find out what motivates them then have them work towards it. They will work towards sleeping through the night, getting out of pull-ups etc. if there is something they are extremely motivated towards.

If you have having power struggles with your Type 3 kids, create a pool of ideas then let them choose one and help them go for it!

· School – do best with outside learning, projects, sports, gardening, crafts, sewing, cooking, bring math in. They are results oriented, and like quick results. They will learn as they go. They need lots of hands on, field trips, and adventure.

If you are a Type 3 Parent

Type 3 and 4 parents can often push too hard. Their big and determined energy can overpower a child with a slower energy. Be mindful of everyone’s energy types, and in your hurry to “get it done” take a minute to be present and really listen when people are talking to you.

Mistakes Parents often make raising a Type 3 Child - Click Here

Type 3’s get shushed a lot, and hear “why can’t you sit still?” a lot. Don’t ever shush a type 3, it can be damaging. Moms can say, “Wow! That was passionate! Can you say it a little softer?”

How to Communicate Better with a Type 3: Click Here

Type 4 Children

· The more serious child

· Movement is linear

· Primary connection - Intellectual

· Type 4’s are often judged as: “know it alls”, perfectionist, critical, controlling

· Primary need – Need sense of authority, and balance.

· Fewer friends, have need for solitude.

· Facial features: Long angular shapes. Parallel lines, defined, sculpted jaw lines, symmetrical. Classic, serious expressions. Stillness, poise, exactness.

· Self managed, structured, can succeed on their own.

Parents need to give Type 4’s lots of structure, support and validation. They like thoroughness. Let your child lead the preference as far as picking out friend types.

A common phrase heard from a Type 4 child is: “That’s stupid.” They don’t see the point in doing something unless they understand why it is important. They will be more motivated to do chores for example, if you point out how it makes the home better, how they are building skills, and invite them to think of a better or more efficient system for getting it done. Help them socialize and balance that introverted nature. Let them be a part of the decisions.

Moms can say, “Her idea was great for her!”

“I’m done talking about it.”

Create definition: “I can listen to you for 15 min.”

If you are a Type 4 parent:

Type 3 and 4 parents can often push too hard. A type 4 bold energy can take over those with softer energies. Try to respect all energy types and natures. Not everyone has to do it your way, other people approach things differently and that is what works best for them.

Type 4 parent is structured but can also choke out spontaneity and fun.

Mistakes moms often make raising a Type 4 child: - Click Here

Type 4’s will often feel overlooked. They are very private. Don’t correct them in public or shame them.

Teach them they are know-it-alls for themselves. “You’re the authority of your own space.” It will help prevent them from doing it to everyone else. Type 4’s are very particular. Don’t touch their stuff.

How to Communicate Better with a Type 4: - Click Here

VI. Helping Families with Different Energy Type Combinations

The Relationship Series

Relationship combinations, ideas for creating unity and overcoming challenges that come with these. Click on each type for the link to a video tutorial.

The Full RelationshipSeries Guide:

VII. More Information and Resources: