Notes and things I've learned from my kids' treatment

Back to the clinic again - and you know I have to take notes and write everything down.  This time our therapist is the fantastical Kate. 

In IOP - the first hour is meeting with therapist Kate.  The entire family meets together on Wednesdays.  

The second hour is working with clinical assistants doing exposure response and preventions on Chloe's hierarchy which Kate has designed.  

The third hour is DBT as a group with the other youth in the morning program and also one family member or more must be there.  This session teaches skills such as mindfulness techniques and so much more.  

I took some notes from our recent sessions with Kate.

To better help our family understand what is happening with OCD, Kate gave a hiking analogy - imagine that you are hiking and come upon a gigantic grizzly bear.  Your body has a built in alarm system that protects you from harm.  It is supposed to do this to help us stay alive.  The bear triggers a fight or flight response and the amygdala fires "warning!  danger!"  so then you are compelled to DO something.  Chloe said she would run away, I said I would play dead.  

OCD is a malfunction with this alarm system. The body reacts in the same way it would if we encountered a bear - with the same intensity, only our system has placed other things in the "Threat" category that aren't really a threat.  So this alarm malfunctions and goes off when it's not supposed to.  

She also used the analogy of an alarm clock.  It has a purpose and functions well when it goes off at the time we have set.  But what if it was broken and went off every hour all night long, same sound, same intensity, never stopping?  That is what OCD feels like.  

Nonsense thoughts can get stuck in your head and cause alarm.  Kate explained that our anxiety system is really simple.  We like to think human beings are really complex, but actually our basic brain systems are simple to the point that we can sometimes be reduced to "awkward pigeons".  Our anxiety system has only 2 categories:  safe or dangerous.  The brain learns through association, but those brains with OCD expand definitions of danger really big by creating overgeneralized associations.  

Carters threats are: "My loved ones could die and I can't stop it" , and the possibility of not being perfect ie. failing or making a mistake.

Chloe’s used to be the first one on Carters list but we tackled that one last time she was in treatment. Now it’s the second one- perfectionism or fear of failing, making a mistake.  

Compulsions are the things a person feels compelled to do to try and lessen the panicked feeling when there is anything associated with what the brain perceived as a threat.  IA friend once described this to me as an itch that always needs to be scratched.  The clinic calls them neutralizing behaviors.  A neutralizing behavior would be to run or play dead in the face of a grizzly bear.  That neutralizes the threat. 

 In Carter’s case the neutralizing behaviors are avoidance, “not going to church , scouts, school or anywhere there may be a threat” or seeking reassurance constantly from mom/always checking in with everyone to reassure himself that they are safe. “heightened and unrealistic sense of responsibility”. These thoughts and panicked feelings have gotten so prevalent that they are preventing him from functioning normally and doing his normal life routines.

Chloe’s neutralizing behaviors are reassurance as well. “Is this right? Am I doing ok? “ And also she will redo things over and over until it feels just right. Sometimes it never does.  Imagine an itch that you need to scratch and it never stops.  

They both handle these thoughts by trying to push them away and hide them to maintain a normal appearance.  So they don't talk about them.   

Also, OCD has given them an inflated sense of responsibility.  They take on roles of responsibility they don't need to, but feel compelled to "keep everyone safe" or "keep everyone happy".  

 They also try  to neutralize their threats by trying to never being alone, always being with people and keeping busy every second. This is because-

 During quiet times their minds can never quiet down with these thoughts, leading to sleep deprivation, restlessness and never feeling calm or at peace.  Obviously nighttime and bedtime are the worst times for this.  During the day, staying busy keeps their minds off of their worries- I do this too.   At night, the thoughts prevent them from sleeping.  This happens to me as well.   The difference for them though, is that when they are alone with their thoughts it’s torture.  Many times their solution to keeping their mind busy is playing on their phones and looking at social media which is full of triggers so the cycle is actually aggravated.

 In hindsight, moving Chloe  down to the basement all alone was a bad move on our part, not knowing what she was dealing with.  She got to a point where she just couldn't take it anymore, felt hopeless, and also the intrusive thoughts were telling her that killing herself was the ONLY solution which led her to a crisis point or breaking point.  

Kate explains what happens to a person's brain in crisis.  Biologically, the brain is programmed to send the blood and oxygen to the backward areas of the brain, leaving the frontal cortex or the control center ie. executive function of the brain lacking.  This area of the brain is in charge of so many things including rational thought, the ability to have logic and overcome instinct, remembering that you are loved, and seeing multiple solutions.  

Chloe has a safety plan that is on a laminated card and she keeps it with her at all times.  Also, all of us must memorize it and be able to repeat it at any time.  It will function as her frontal lobe if she ever enters a crisis point again and she is being trained to do this.  On the card are "warning signs",  "reasons to live"  "people to call, both her important people and safety numbers.  

At night or at any time we ask her where she is on the self harm scale 1-10 and have a routine set forth if she is higher than a three.  This is the hardest part for us, trusting that she is being honest and also that she will follow the correct procedure.  

What’s normal vs ocd?  

An article:

https://www.upmc.com/services/behavioral-health/ocd/symptoms/ocd-versus-normal

Here is the scale they use at the clinic- Carter is suspected to have OCD because he scored high on each one and also because of the hereditary factor.   He has already been assessed and diagnosed with generalized anxiety, but is scheduled for another assessment this week to determine if he truly has OCD as well.  Chloe is obviously way high to the point that suicidality became involved and requires intensive outpatient treatment.  Kate suspects Carter may need intensive outpatient treatment also because of the degree in which his regular life is hindered.  

#1 Rule of OCD recovery - NO NEUTRALIZING BEHAVIORS ALLOWED  

Why?

Because they confirm that there is danger when there's not. 

Exposure therapy retrains the alarm system in the brain to NOT generalize that particular stimulus as a threat.  

CONCEPTS TO PROTECT AGAINST RELAPSE:

Solidarity as a family is so important so that we can help support each other and also prevent relapses.  If we all know what to look for and what to do, no matter who starts to relapse we will have the skills to help.  

Generalizing exposures - whatever the exposure is, do similar things with different stakes and in different situations. 

Learning to make exposures fun.  

No Caffiene for people with anxiety.  Ever.  It makes it a million times worse.  

Next time I post, I'll write about all of the DBT and Exposure Response stuff from the second and third hours.  I I think it is all just fascinating and love to learn more, although I don't love the fact that my kids are suffering from this fascinating disorder.  

It also makes me wonder what is wrong with our lives today that is causing so many kids' central nervous systems and anxiety systems to malfunction?  

My thoughts wonder if the frequencies from being close to an electronic device so often can upset the balance of the human body?  Or is it just our society and all of the adjustments we've had to make because of it?  Or the crappy food we eat?  Pollution?  Or maybe a combination of all of those things.  I'd love to see more research about these things.  One thing Kate brought up is that scientists are noticing a fundamental, generational crisis of youth not having resiliency - or the ability to bounce back after failure.  This makes me think our instant gratification, electronic device driven society  may have something to do with it.  

Anyway, I'm just a mom trying to figure things out to help her kids.  We are all just taking it a day at a time.  

Until next time...

"Not THAT!"

I do something ridiculous when I contemplate the various trials of human existence.  I tell God "I could never do THAT trial!"  Does anyone else do this?

People like to quote the "God never gives you something you can't handle" quote and thinking that I know myself, I think there are just some things that would absolutely break me and I would never be able to come out of whole.   I have had a running list of "unthinkable" trials in my mind since my youth.  The list includes the most heinous crimes such as having a child be kidnapped and/or hurt by a predator in any way, death or suffering of any of my children,  dying alone in a nursing home neglected and lonely, being buried alive...I have thought through and placed on my "Trials Blacklist" some really terrible scenarios.  Most of the scenarios involve me or a loved one suffering.  But there is one category of trials on the list that seems almost worse than any suffering I could endure.

They are the scenarios in which I cause the suffering of someone else.

I have shuddered inside at the fear of ever inadvertently or carelessly harming someone in any way.    How would I ever live with the guilt?

Of course, as it usually happens when I think I can tell Heavenly Father what to do, He has greater lessons for me and a wiser plan.  Last week I was forced to face one of those great fears.

On my way to meet a friend for our morning walk, I was making a left hand turn from my neighborhood onto the sometimes busy South Weber Drive, which on that day appeared to be completely unoccupied.  With my hands on ten and two, I looked both ways and accelerated to make the turn when in a split-second I felt a crunch and saw a man on a bicycle, first on the hood of my car, then rolling off onto the ground.

The visual flash of that moment continues to haunt me as I sleep, go about my day, drive...it continually pops up out of nowhere as if the incident wasn't enough.  My psyche continues to torture me with the post-traumautic reminders of what I have done and how horrible it was.

Sparing the details that followed the accident, in short, the man was alright other than shock and being banged up with scrapes and bruises and a very ruined bike which we quickly replaced with a new one.  In the aftermath of the accident throughout my attempts to make reparations I had the opportunity to get to know this man, and was hit even further with the unthinkable possibility that I could have permanently ruined this good and humble man's life with my mistake.

Thankfully, it wasn't worse.  It could have been so much worse.  But in the end, I still hurt a person who didn't deserve it.  Why did this have to happen?  Why oh why did my Heavenly Father not send down those angels that He promises will be by my side to bear me up and shield that man from me, or give me some sort of warning or heavenly intervention to prevent it?  He could have.

As I ponder the events that followed the accident,  I can't help but marvel at the fact that although I didn't get heavenly intervention in the form of preventing the accident, I....the perpetrator, the one who deserved very little mercy in my mind was still the recipient of love from a Father in heaven in other forms of heavenly intervention.

I received many tender mercies in which the timing and circumstances were too specific to be anything other than from God.  They were profound and very calculated to let me know that He was with me, and that I was loved.  I was reminded that God can manifest good things out of very bad situations as described in Romans 8:28

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

It was and continues to be a great and valuable lesson.  I believe that one of the lessons is that I don't need to fear trials, because no matter the trial or the fear, I CAN come out of it without being broken.

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.  I used to think in a limited way about that and thought it just meant I can accomplish hard things, or things I'm not equipped to do on my own.  But now I'm seeing that the "all" part encompasses so much more.  It means I can grow in Christ, I can endure in Christ, I can suffer graciously in Christ, I can forgive myself in Christ, I can be healed of any trial through Christ and because of his Infinite Atonement.

It was also a great reminder to me that I mustn't fear mistakes.  In a wonderful Ensign article "Failure is Part of the Plan," , Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles talks about how progress can be messy.  "We are here to learn and grow, but growth doesn’t come without opposition. We all make mistakes."

But this part is the lesson that I have been trying to learn when he says, 
“our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward."

My focus has been on this:  How will I move forward?
I believe that this is where all of those daily efforts to sustain my faith and testimony come into play.  I have the tools to move forward.  I know where to turn for peace.

I am doing that thing which I never thought I could do - forgive myself and be at peace with a traumatic event that was unintentionally caused by me.

I am also beginning to learn that future successes are often built upon past failures.  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me.  To quote the article, "Faith doesn't prevent failure, it makes it meaningful."

I am realizing that through hard work and guidance from the Spirit, I have developed a personal formula for finding peace in trials and I can now say that I know it works.  I won't share the particulars because they are individual to me, but I challenge you to ask God to help you develop that formula for yourself.   It will most definitely involve prayer, service to others and seeking solace in the temple.  I don't don't know how to do it without serving others or going to the temple.

If you aren't able to go to the temple, just go sit on the temple grounds and you will feel an increased measure of peace.  I promise.

I hope that I can get to the point where I can say "I am thankful for this trial".  I hope that sharing this might help uplift you, and that my openness and vulnerability can help someone else to heal too.

And as you go about your week and make mistakes, just remember Molly and think,
"It could be worse, at least I didn't almost kill someone on a bike with my car!"

You're welcome :)

Touch Ten Temples

How far is heaven?

It’s not very far.

In temples of God,

It’s right where we are.

President Thomas S. Monson:

"As we touch the temple and love the temple, our lives will reflect our faith. As we go to the holy house, as we remember the covenants we make therein, we will be able to bear every trial and overcome each temptation. The temple provides purpose for our lives. It brings peace to our souls—not the peace provided by men but the peace promised by the Son of God when He said, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”2

As we touch the temple, the temple will touch us."

I am constantly amazed at my stupidity.  

I know that is a strange way to begin, but as I look back on this trip and how much I dragged my feet in planning it, how much I complained to the Lord in my mind and during prayers about the prompting I had received to do this activity and now I wonder why.  

I think about how I profess to believe the promises that are given to us through scriptures and modern revelation, but sometimes don't really believe them in my heart.  

OF COURSE if the Lord prompts you to do something it's going to be worthwhile. 

OF COURSE it's going to be for a reason and for the benefit of someone in your path.  Why am I always forgetting this?  

Back to the beginning:  many years ago one of my little piano students told me that her grandparents had taken her family on a Touch Ten Temples trip.  I thought it sounded like a cool idea, and put it in my mental folder to do as a family some day.  

Year after year I thought "We should do that trip," but it never came to fruition.  Every time I thought about it, I would think "I mean, you just drive all day and get in and out of the car to just go up and touch the temples?  It kinda sounds not worth the effort and expense."  So I would shove the idea away. 

Last week, there was an extremely long wait as I was sitting in the endowment session of the Ogden Temple, while my nephew was taking out his endowments for the first time.  It was about ten straight minutes of silence.  It was during that silence that a voice as clear as day impressed upon my mind:

DO THE  TEN TEMPLES ACTIVITY. 

No, it shouldn't be in all caps.  The feeling was all caps, but the voice was a faint whisper that I could have easily ignored - 

Do the ten temples activity....

Yes, it was more like that.  

And me being stupid me, immediately thought:  

"Ugh...really?  I don't want to do this!"  

I started doing the rationalizing thing in my mind that is also stupid:  "But it is so BUSY, and  I'm tired, and who will come and it's a lot of work, and not a very practical activity, and will my kids even want to do it, etc."  

Do the ten temples activity....

"I mean, is driving around and touching temples really worth all that is required to put this together?"

At some point, I remembered all of the other times in my life when I have been stupid and tried to rationalize away a prompting, and something inside me wised up and realized that it didn't matter whether I wanted to or not, I had received a direct prompting - I couldn't deny it -  and must keep my commitment to myself to follow all promptings from the Spirit. The Lord must have something in mind for someone.

I didn't expect that someone would be me.  I thought I would be helping others with this project, but to my surprise, this activity had a profound effect on me.  

First, it started with the research.  I googled "Touch the temple" and a few talks by President Monson appeared.  In one of them was a promise:

"As we touch the temple, the temple will touch us."

 I still had doubts that this activity would really be any kind of profound experience, but I do know that "Whether it be by my own voice, or by the voice of my servants, it is the same." D&C 1.  And so I trusted that if there was a promise that the temple would touch us, then it would.

And it DID.  It really did

Yesterday I experienced something really special.  Something inside me is changed.  I feel as if I have stepped through the veil into heaven and then stepped back again.  I want this feeling to stay with me forever.  I could weep every time I think about it.  

It was worth every effort and then some.  And in the end, it wasn't really that much effort.  But what was really cool, was all of the people the Lord so obviously placed in our path during the trip.  

We started off with breakfast at Kneaders in Ogden, where I gave them their passports I found here

I told them to take a moment and write about how they felt at each temple.  We would paste the pictures after the activity.
They also really got into the road trip bingo cards I gave them for the car ride (find printables here):

Ogden Temple

 Right at the start, we got stares from other temple patrons as the kids who were dressed comfortably, but not very reverently, ran through the temple grounds very loudly and up to the temple to touch it.  As I was taking this picture, I noticed the grounds worker looking at us curiously so I explained what we were doing.

"Ten temples in one day?!"  (I came to be familiar with that response)

He immediately used it as an opportunity to counsel the teens with me.

"Pick your favorite temple, and set it in stone in your mind that you will not settle for anything less than taking your sweetheart there someday."

His name was Luis and he proceeded to tell us a story about how he joined the church when he was 28.  He had been dating a girl for 7 years when he visited the L.A. temple and made a goal that he wanted to get married there someday.  He decided to go on a mission.  By the time he got home, he was 30 and was ready to marry this girl whom he had loved for so long but she would not marry him in the temple.  He thought, "I'm 30 years old with no prospects.  There's probably a good chance I will not have the opportunity to marry again.  But if I can't marry this girl in the temple, but more specifically in the L.A. temple then I have to end it."  It was really sad and hard, but he just KNEW he had to get married in the Los Angeles temple.  

Four months later he met the girl that would become his wife.  She had just put in her papers to go on a mission.  She told him, "If you meet someone while I am gone, don't miss the opportunity to get married because of me," but he ended up waiting for her to return and guess what....

They were married in the L.A. temple. 

The day he was at the L.A. temple, he was offered a job as a groundskeeper there, and that is how he eventually came to work his way to the position at the Ogden Temple.  

And be there at the doors, on the exact day, at the exact moment we went to touch the temple.  I still don't know which one of us needed that story, or what difference it will make in our lives, but I know that we were meant to cross paths and hear his story.  

You can immediately feel a difference inside when you are on the temple grounds.  It feels so good.  It's PEACE beyond understanding.  Even the kids could feel it.  The boys took a moment to soak it in:

#2 Bountiful Temple

I printed out a Bountiful Temple Scavenger Hunt found here.  

Next, Salt Lake Temple and Temple Square.

I had to use the bathroom, so I ran ahead to the Visitor's Center and while I was waiting for them to arrive, I got to talking with the sister missionaries there.  

After the kids arrived, I got to share my story about how when I was 11 our family traveled out west from VA. and visited temple square.  I filled out one of those cards in my hand, which asks for your address if you want to know more.  Sister missionaries visited me and left me a Book of Mormon with a picture of a family and their testimony pasted in it. I always kept it on my shelf and had a feeling that it was special. 

Years later, I began dating a member of the LDS church and started going to youth events with him.  One of the really cool youth leaders was Brother Dewey and all of the youth loved him.  Needing a father figure in my life, I connected with him as well.  

I finally figured out that the Book of Mormon I had on my shelf was associated with their church, so I dug it out and guess whose testimony it was on the inside of my book?

Brother Dewey.  He was older and had more kids but it was him.  And I thought, "Well now I have to read it if Brother Dewey endorsed it!"

I was so glad I had the opportunity to tell the kids my story and bear my testimony.  Here are our future missionaries at the visitor center:

 

On to the Jordan River Temple

Then seven minutes down the road to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple.  

 

We were all surprised at how close they really were, and it really hit home how lucky we are to be able to visit 10 temples in one day when many saints save their whole lives to travel to a temple one time.  I shared how when I went to college at Virginia Tech, we had to drive 3 1/2 hours from Blacksburg to the Washington D.C. temple.  They were like....whoa!

 Draper Temple

We took the back mountain pass to the Mount Timpanogos temple and it was BEAUTIFUL!

Provo temple had BEAUTIFUL flowers!

Provo City Center Temple

The kids were excited to find another Christus statue there.

And here we are holding up ten fingers because we made it to Payson, temple #10!

We didn't realize what was happening to us as we were going from temple to temple, but at the very last, I spoke with one of the kids and we both confirmed that we felt different inside.  I challenged the kids to write a letter to their future selves, deciding now that they would take their sweetheart to the temple and reminding themselves that they could feel a difference after today.

President Monson was right, touching the temple DID touch us!  

It was really a simple activity with big spiritual effects.  And also super fun!  

It was a huge reminder that when you receive a prompting - DO IT!   The promises are true. This experience was a huge testimony boost of the power of the temple.  Even just spending time on the temple grounds has the power to bring you closer to Christ.  

This is HIS church.  I know it is true.