Confessions of a Recovering Yell-a-holic Mom

In regards to my recent efforts to become a Christ-centered parent, I would say this week has been the hardest to do it.  Which is really funny because nothing special happened this week...it wasn't stressful, out of the ordinary, no one was sick....it was just a plain old ordinary week.

I suppose if this were an analogy for life, this is where the "enduring to the end" part would come into play.  I'm learning this about myself:  when I am inspired, I am the most determined person in the world at the beginning, but then I struggle with apathy, forgetting, and falling back into old habits when the newness has worn off.  This is why I need my blog, the "Mothers Who Know" Facebook group and discussion group! I need them because they will keep it all fresh and help me to stay inspired.  Oh, how we need each other!

Just as the children of Israel merely had to look at the staff to be healed, yet many would not look because of the easiness of the way...the things I have learned that I am trying to do, are not hard.  They're easy.  They're just different than what I am used to and so I am constantly being pulled back into the natural man, reactionary way of parenting.

Basically, this means getting irritable with my kids, and yelling. If my kids didn't listen to me the first time I asked them to do something, I would ask again nicely, then maybe one more time, and then finally would get irritated and  raise the level of my voice until they finally obeyed.  I was always asking,

 "Why do I have to yell to get you to listen to me?  Why can't you just do it the first time when I ask nicely?  I just want to be a nice mom!"

Oy vey!

(Side note...I have tried and tried, spent many hours on my knees, read many books for the past 14 years trying to break my habit of yelling and the principles of self-government concept is the first thing that has completely 100% worked.)

But I don't want to parent that way, I want to be like Christ.  I want to live and do as the Savior would.

My biggest struggle would be honoring my children's agency.  Agency is a huge principle of the gospel, the entire plan of salvation centers around it!

Agency is the ability and gift to choose and act for yourself.

Whether it be because we are in a hurry, I am inpatient, I am tired or don't feel well, I'm frustrated, or I'm just lazy....I am continually falling into the bad habit of compromising my children's gift of agency and I don't even realize I'm doing it.  Instead of gentle persuasion, patience and long-suffering I constantly choose the quick fix of "stop that right now," or "do it now because I said so!" or "Time-out!"  Then the power struggles begin.

In her book about teaching the principles of self-government, Nicholeen Peck says,

"If you force or make someone do something, you are starting a power struggle.  Power struggles can be verbal, physical and emotional.  Children can start power struggles and parents can start power struggles.  Usually children learn how to start power struggles from their parents.

Parents get frustrated when instructions aren't followed or their "No" answers aren't accepted.  This frustration makes parents grab things out of children's hands, yell at their children, spank their children, show their children "how it feels."

There are so many wonderful things about teaching self-government, but if I merely remember to apply these FOUR BASIC SKILLS, we have no power struggles. Teaching my family these four basic skills, has brought about a wonderful transformation of my children, their relationships with each other and me, and the overall feeling in our home.

"Parenting isn't about doing anything to our children.  Parenting is about teaching our children to choose good and happiness for themselves, by themselves."  

Writing all of this down is a great reminder for me.  I am looking forward to our discussion group tomorrow at 2pm.  I am so revived and inspired when I speak with other mothers!

If you are not familiar with the Four Basic Skills....don't get overwhelmed!   I spent a week or more tackling each one, and prayerfully sought guidance from the Spirit in how I taught each principle to my children and how I approached my husband to help him support me.  It will be different for each family...Heavenly Father is the perfect mentor and He will show you how you should do it for your family.

At the end of this post, I am also putting a few links of video tutorials about the four basic skills.  They helped me so much!  I am going to review them again today and re-commit to staying calm!
I can do it!
You can do it!


"The Four Basic Skills are an indispensable part of teaching self-government in my home.  Whenever things don't seem right, or when someone isn't happy, I only have to think of these four skills and decide what we are forgetting to do and make the appropriate change or recommitment."

The Four Basic Skills are:
1.  Following Instructions - 

• Look at the person
• Keep a calm voice and a calm face (body)
• Say "okay" or ask to disagree appropriately
• Do the task immediately
• Check back (tell the person you're finished)

2.  Accepting Criticism, Accepting "NO" for an answer - 

• Look at the person
• Keep a calm voice and face
• Say "okay" or ask to disagree appropriately
• Drop the subject (Stop talking about it or fix the situation)

3.  Accepting a Consequence - 

• Look at the person
• Keep a calm voice and face
• Say "okay" to the consequence or ask to disagree appropriately
• Carry out the consequence
• Drop the subject (Stop talking about it or fix the situation)

4.  Disagreeing Appropriately - 

• Look at the person
• Keep a calm voice and face
• Say that you understand the other person's opinion
• Say your opinion
• Listen to the decision and accept it
• Drop the subject

Power Struggles - with Nicholeen Peck

How to Disagree Appropriately

Correcting 

Systems

I was reading this morning and came across a concept I thought aligned with the principles of Self Government, the principles that are changing my life and family a bit at a time.  

This was in a book called "The Student Whisperer."  A mom named Tiffany Earl, who wrote the book, was having a mentoring session with the author Oliver DeMille. She was having trouble accomplishing her goals as a family.

"Systems," he said.

"Huh?" I looked at him quizzically. I had heard him mention systems before, but I'd never been able to grasp the simple concept. It was now time to learn it. 

"A system is simply a choice that has already been made." He looked at me and knew I just didn't get it. He pulled out a legal pad and began to write. "A system is a series of events that have been pre-determined.." I still didn't get it. 

He backed up. "Okay," he said, "do you smoke?"

"No."

"When did you decide you weren't going to smoke?"

"When I was five and my friend's mother smoked. My mom taught me the consequences of smoking and I decided then that I wouldn't smoke."

"Did anyone ever offer you a cigarette?"

"Yes, of course."

"What did you do?"

"I did what I decided a long time ago. I said, 'No.'"

He nodded. "That is a system!"

"It is?"

"Yes, it was a decision already made. You had a system in place. You knew you would say 'no.' You didn't have to spend a lot of energy and time deciding what to do anytime someone offered you a cigarette. You had a system in place and you just followed through. It was easy."

I felt like I was catching on a little. "Tell me another system!" I said.

"How do you do the dishes at your house?"

Ugh!  I was embarrassed to tell him the truth, but I swallowed and did it anyway.  "I notice we don't have any clean dishes left and so I soak the dirty ones and then wash them."

He laughed.  "That's a system by default.  The fact that you don't have any clean dishes triggers the need to wash the dishes.  Some people use other systems - better ones.  I've seen some homes where everyone washes their own dishes and the rest of the kitchen duties are rotated between children.  I've also seen some homes where dad and mom do dish duty right after each meal.  These are systems.  They are choices that are already pre-decided and then fulfilled."

"So what does this mean to me?"  I asked sincerely. 

"It means that you have to put better systems into your projects (I'm inserting family, home or life here).  Each area needs systems.  You need to determine what they are and build them."

I went home in a stupor, but I got started.  I soon learned that my mentor had saved me months of diversions, had helped me skip numerous roadblocks.  I began to train my mind to think in terms of systems.  I began to see them everywhere - and the lack of them too.  I began enjoying the task of seeing the systems that worked well.  I soon noticed that most problems occurred where there weren't efficient and well thought-out systems.  I became good at not only solving problems (creating systems) but at identifying problems.  "

 I thought to myself, that is so true!  Since Chloe got sick and we all began homeschooling, being together all the time helped us recognize that we had a serious lack of systems in our home.  Here are some that we have worked hard and sought inspiration to put in to place these past few months:

Motivational systems in place to address unpleasant behaviors.
Physical fitness / workout routines that work for our family and our schedule
Family activity times that work for our schedule

Systems set up for sharing the cleaning responsibilities.

What are our family rules and what are the designated rewards and consequences assigned to rules followed or broken?  

What are our family standards?  From media choices all the way down to dress and the way we speak.  
Homeschooling systems
Alone time with spouse
Scripture study and prayer systems:  personal, as a family, and with spouse
Time set up for personal mentoring with each child, each week

The more systems I have been putting into place, the more everyone knows what to expect, the less energy I spend creating off the cuff and reactionary consequences or teaching moments, and the less anxiety everyone feels.  Everyone is on the same page.  Less anxiety = peace.  

Are we at that zen place of peace yet?  No.  But we are leaps and bounds above where we were five months ago.  I no longer grind my teeth in my sleep.  That vein on my forehead doesn't stick out nearly as much.   

Being a sort of "free spirit" personality, whether or not I can keep these systems going and stay consistent is the real challenge.  A HUGE challenge.  But the more I gain confidence and trust that systems are what keep our family running peacefully, the more I am motivated to keep them going at all costs.  And now that I have told all of you what I am trying to do, I'm accountable!  
Now I cannot fail!  

I'm excited to hear about what systems you all have in place that work well in your homes, or what systems you feel need to be set up to conquer a problem.  Whether here in the blog comments or on the "Mothers Who Know" Facebook group, let me know!  

Last Chloe Update

Part I.

Update on Chloe:  The fantastic people at the clinic and the exposure therapy has helped her get back on track.  Her anxiety is completely gone.  It’s been a few weeks now and she continues to seem fine with no relapses.  It is a marvelous thing.  If she has a fear or an obsessive thought, she knows the steps and has the tools to prevent it from growing into anything more and she can handle it. 

These past few weeks have been a transition back into real life, which when we imagined this point, we thought would look something like Chloe embracing life with open arms, soaring and flying.  But as we continue to do our weekly therapy, it’s become apparent that this battle with OCD may have also brought about a bout of depression, which is very common and even can be expected.  We are now tackling that, but for the most part life is returning to being normal and peaceful.   Thank goodness!  We had a rough go of it for a while, but the clouds are parting and we are enjoying the calm after the storm.  Thank you again to everyone who helped us, I have no doubt that it was the love, support and prayers that helped us recover so quickly and they sustained us through the hard parts.  We will ever be grateful. 

Part II.

Big Parenting Changes: As we have been forging ahead on our new homeschooling path and routines these past few months, everyone has been very aware that there has been one huge obstacle in our way…getting along. 

My kids have very different personalities, strengths and weaknesses and up until this point I have never figured out how to pull everyone together.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried.  Countless books have been read, hours on my knees have been spent praying, many many tears shed, family home evening lessons about unity, team building exercises….I could go on.  We have seen temporary successes, but nothing lasting.

The old pattern was that the bickering and the not minding and the talking back and the behaviors would wear me down, so I would relish time away from the kids.  I couldn’t wait until bedtime when things were calm and I could finally get things done.   Date nights, lunches with girlfriends or especially when they were at school were my escapes.  Don’t get me wrong, date nights and lunches are important…but what I mean is that although I love all of my children with all of my heart, and totally have dedicated my life to raising them, I really didn’t enjoy being around them most of the time because of their behaviors.  Many of my days were spent looking for the positive, but going to bed sighing in frustration and regrouping before it all began over again the next day.  The weekends were just to be endured, unless we had a fun family activity to pull us together. 

Homeschooling forced me to put a giant mirror upon our family dynamics and bring to light the fact that my kids do not have great relationships, do not practice selflessness or forgiveness or good communication, do not know how to accept a NO answer, or do not work on being in charge of themselves…all of the things it takes to have good relationships.  It forced me to look at my relationship with each of them, and really ask myself if I was being the ultimate example.

The final straw was when a few of my kids were ASKED TO LEAVE the library because they had gotten into a knock down, drag out fight!  Running through the aisles, pulling clothes and tackling each other in front of everyone.  I have never felt like such a failure as a parent.  I was desperate.  I knew that Heavenly Father wanted us to homeschool, and that part we loved….but how were we going to make it work when the kids couldn’t even get along for a day?  We are reading scriptures and praying as a family every day, John and I are keeping our covenants the best we can, our hearts are in the right places….why can’t we control our kids and why can’t we have peace and harmony in our home? 

This was on my mind as I attended the Winter Homeschool Conference at Weber State a few months ago.  I attended a class with the DeMille family, the founders of Thomas Jefferson Education.  They were doing a question and answer panel and I was chosen to ask a question.  I told them,

“We are brand new to homeschooling and we love it, but one obstacle is that we are having trouble getting along.  Any advice?”  They had their advice, but afterwards another wiser mother came up to me and told me,

Go home and research Nicholeen Peck, “Principles of Self Government and Parenting a House United.”  Her parenting techniques have changed our whole lives….she bases everything off of principles.  I can do principles!”

So of course, I went straight home and began my research.  I have been practicing the techniques and it’s been a little miracle for our family.  FINALLY, I am able to achieve the goal that our home can be calm, peaceful, and feel like the temple.  FINALLY, I can say my kids love each other and are becoming best friends.  FINALLY I can say we are the family we have always wanted to be.  FINALLY I can say, I honestly enjoy being with my children.  They are amazing!  They are funny!  They want to be good. 

A little about Nicholeen:  Shortly after the birth of her second child in 1999, she decided to do foster care with the Utah Youth Village as a way to support her family financially and as a mother. She became a trained treatment parent, and for the next four years always had at least two youth, ages 12–18, in her home. During this time she dealt with many youth who suffered from disorders, including kleptomania, honesty issues, anger management issues, ADHD, ADD, OCD, ODD, depression, suicidal tendencies, addiction, sexual perversions, and perpetration.

Nicholeen and her husband thought to themselves, “Why doesn’t EVERY parent have this information and access to these tools?”  She experienced such success with her foster children that the same year, 1999, she began receiving requests to speak at seminars and conventions about her child care methods.  She was requested to teach more classes on parenting, and in 2009 the British BBC show “World's Strictest Parents” asked her to be on their program. (You can watch this on YouTube) The episode was an instant success. According to the BBC, the episode involving the Peck family in Utah was the most watched episode in the TV series.  She’s also been voted as Utah’s Young Mother of the Year. 

Nicholeen is LDS, and she combines her knowledge of the Savior with the techniques she learned from the Utah Youth Village.  She teaches how to help your children have changed hearts, and how to be in charge of themselves.  In order to teach your children how to govern themselves, we as parents must be the examples.

As soon as I began reading her book, the first thing that came to my mind was the quote by John Taylor, the third President of the Church, when he reported:

“Some years ago, in Nauvoo, a gentleman in my hearing, a member of the Legislature, asked Joseph Smith how it was that he was enabled to govern so many people, and to preserve such perfect order; remarking at the same time that it was impossible for them to do it anywhere else. Mr. Smith remarked that it was very easy to do that. ‘How?’ responded the gentleman; ‘to us it is very difficult.’ Mr. Smith replied, ‘I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.’”³

I truly believe that these methods of parenting work because they are how the Savior would parent, and how Heavenly Father currently parents us, His children.

I was so sure about this that I did my own little research through the scriptures to support my theory.  I will write about this in a later post.  My plan is to share what I am learning with as many mothers as I can, because maybe you are struggling with the same thing I was.  And also, I could still use some support from other mothers.  Consistency is one of my hardest battles. 

I think that my days of blogging about Chloe’s recovery are drawing to a close, but now that I am armed with the knowledge of all of the skills we learned at Summit Day Treatment, The OCD clinic for Anxiety, Carol Tuttle’s Energy Profiling, and The Principles of Self Government and creating a House United, I feel compelled to share with other moms.   I want to share them because I know they actually work and I am experiencing the joy that comes from building a strong family.  I want you and your children to have that joy too.  If you are interested in joining me on this parenting journey…this is what the next blog posts will be about. 

I’m also going to hold discussion groups at my home on Mondays at 2pm starting next week.  If you are interested in joining us, you are totally welcome!  (If finding someone to watch your kids is an issue, give me a call, I don’t want that to stop you from coming.)

I’m not an expert by any means, and I’m not claiming to be.  I have a testimony that happy families can and will change the world and I am determined that all of the knowledge I’ve gained from what we have been through these past few months can be used to do some good.  Message me or leave a comment if you want to join me in this journey.

Graduated and it feels so good!

Hello everyone,  wow did it feel good to report that Chloe had graduated from intensive outpatient therapy!  We were once again flooded with love and I am determined to give it all back to you and more.  As I run into people they all seem to say, "Wow, that was fast!"  I have to say I am just as surprised as you are.

It felt as if we were struggling, struggling, struggling, good days sprinkled with bad days over and over, then all of a sudden....she was doing consistently great.  I asked her when the turning point was and she didn't know.  We determined that she just got better by degrees.

"What do you know?  Exposure therapy really DID work."

I will take away this lesson for the rest of my life.  So many times when I encounter a struggle I want to be better RIGHT NOW!  But healing just takes time, whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.  As I look back on my life, it has always been that way.  It doesn't always look like anything is happening, but the efforts we are making do matter.  Just as planting a garden or pulling weeds are dirty and sometimes back breaking mundane chores...they eventually yield to the harvest.  What I hope to remember someday when this trial is fairly managed or I dare to hope even conquered, is that I mustn't ever lose hope.  Whether it be in a few weeks, months, years, a lifetime or even after this life is over the daily efforts ARE working, and they DO matter.

I hope to apply this attitude to my newest focus which is:  our family makeover, including our educational "walkabout."   Chloe's health struggles unintentionally facilitated a major overhaul, but I think this is exactly what we needed for us to reach that vision and those goals that we all want for our family and what kind of family we want to be.

More on that later, but first I wanted to share some insights I learned in therapy these past weeks.  Through working with the fabulous Lynne Sill, we learned that Chloe does not communicate her feelings.  They build and build until something tips the scale and she explodes into a meltdown.  I always thought that was an OCD behavior, and maybe it contributed to the bad habit, but once we got OCD under control it was easy to see that we had some regular behavioral and parenting work to do.

When I see her body language change, that is my cue to say something like, "Your body language is showing me that you are upset."  So we worked on that.  But every time I would try to get her to talk about what she was feeling she would dig in her heels and refuse to talk.  Her common response would be, "It just makes it worse to talk about it because there's nothing anyone can do to change it."

Lynne worked with us on this for weeks.  We started by just having her write down what she was feeling, because for some reason speaking the words was just too big of a jump after years of not communicating her feelings.  We also figured out that any conversations about feelings had to be in private, away from siblings or anyone else that may be within earshot.  She would text me if it wasn't possible to be alone.  Slowly she started to see that if she did communicate with me, I might not be able to totally fix it, but we could brainstorm together ways to meet in the middle and at least improve certain portions of whatever was bothering her.    Things are getting much better with that problem.

I would say Chloe's biggest struggle for the past few years is her thought processes.  Something would trigger an anger response, and then that anger would quickly snowball into thoughts that were not even rational.  We also figured out that there are some factors that will ALWAYS contribute to an out of control thought process:  For Chloe, not eating, not getting enough sleep (She has major trouble sleeping) and not getting enough time away from the family doing her own thing are big contributors.

Here's an example:  Its snowed and she's been stuck in the house for the day.  She hasn't slept much the night before, which affects her stomach so she won't eat.  Everything her siblings do all day long bug her, I bug her, she is in a constant state of "buggedness".  Her dad has a work emergency and has to work all day on  Saturday.  She has a thought, "I didn't get to see my dad today."  Instead of saying to herself, "I miss my dad" or communicating it to me, the thought immediately snowballs from "I didn't get to see my dad much today," to
"My dad is NEVER around,"  (which isn't true) to....
"My parents suck"  to....
"I hate my life."
And just like that, she is in the gutter with only a few thoughts to get her there.

Lynne taught us a strategy to stop the thoughts that spiral out of reality, but I can't remember the name of it.  Since I can't remember the name we just call it "your ABC's"  Action - behavior - consequence.  Here are the steps:

1. Presenting situation - we used her sister as an example.  Let's say, your sister simply says "Move".

2. Thought - there are a bunch of thoughts you think at that moment.  "She's been so mean today." "She's always so rude!"  "I love her sometimes but when she acts like this I don't." "She must be having a bad day."   Lynne used a funnel analogy.  Lots of thoughts are going into your funnel, but whatever your dominant presenting emotion is, is what will come out of the bottom.  Chloe's dominant presenting emotion is anger, so that is what comes out.....

3.  Emotion - Raaaaar..."My sister sucks and I hate her."

4.  Urge - "I'm going to retaliate by wounding with words."

5.  Action - "You suck Clara, and I hate you."

6.  Consequence - Relationship with sister is bad.  Everyone is angry.

The goal is to stop the cycle at the thought process, and change what comes out of the funnel.  It takes an enormous amount of practice, self control and awareness but we can change the way we think.

In that exercise, she could use her agency to choose to be compassionate and let "I wonder if she's having a bad day," come out of the funnel instead of an angry thought.  It's good stuff!  We are working on this!

Sleeping - Chloe has inherited the curse of insomnia from John's mom's side of the family.  We began tackling this issue right away, as soon as we started treatment.  Paul had some strategies to try:

- always go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time each day
- melatonin (replaces something that your brain may not be producing.)
- take a bath or a warm shower before bedtime
- never do anything mentally stimulating in your bed such as reading or watching tv.  Make your bed only for resting and sleeping.
- Drink a warm glass of milk or some chamomile tea
- when all else fails, take a unisom or a non habit forming sleep aid

We tried those things, and she was even taking two unisom before bedtime and still laying awake all night.  The next step would be pursuing sleep medication but you guys know me by now...I'm always going to seek help from my natural and holistic experts before trying medication as a last resort.  But before we get to that point, Lynne taught us one more skill that we are going to try.

It's called Mind/Body Bridging.  She recently went to a conference about this and experts are using it to treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  There is a back story to Stanley Block,the man who developed this technique.  One day he and his wife were arguing in the kitchen and it was getting pretty heated; everyone was emotional.  Suddenly he thought he heard a strange humming noise coming from the refrigerator so they stopped and got really quiet to listen for the noise.  They focused on the humming sound for a few minutes and then resumed their conversation, but to their surprise were no longer feeling so emotional that they couldn't work out their problem easily.

He began studying the possibility that if we concentrate on something intently, and tune into one of our 5 senses, it calms the emotions down.  He turned it into a technique.

I think there might be something to that because just as Lynne used this as an example, I have found this to be true as well:  When you're not thinking about the problem is when you really find the solution.  Like when I am alone in the shower and it's quiet, I will get answers to things I have been pondering all day the day before.

Here are the steps to Mind/Body Bridging:

For at least 2 minutes tune into one of the 5 senses.  Only pick one thing and really focus on it.  The hum on fluorescent lights, the sound of a fan, the smell of breakfast in the kitchen.  This is the first portion to calm down your emotions.

Then the bridging portion - in chloe's situation of not being able to sleep, she is supposed to grab a piece of paper and draw a giant circle in the middle.  Write in the circle, "Why can't I fall asleep?"  Write down every reason you can think of why you might not be able to sleep.  Sometimes getting it all down is just what we need to stop worrying about something or to be able to let it go.  See if it has an effect.

Are their any "Shoulds" that she has placed on herself?  Circle everything that is a requirement and challenge each one. "What would happen if I didn't do that?" or "What would happen if it didn't work out that way?"

I don't know if it will work to help her sleep, or if she will even try it but I sure will!  No more staying up all night thinking and obsessing for me!

I'm out of time for the day but I can't wait to fill everyone in on the good, bad and ugly of our family make-over journey.  Until then, we are going to enjoy our first week of only one trip in to the clinic in Centerville....woo hoo!  What will we do with all of our extra time????

Love to all,

Molly

Favorite Things January 2016

Strawberry Bites

Only 35 calories each 

New Cafe Rio Sweet Pork Recipe

by Creme de la Crumb  (also my new fav. recipe blog)

Starbucks Hot Chocolate

Nicholeen Peck
Teaching Children Self-government

Liiiiiife Changing parenting principles!  Our whole house has turned around in a BIG way!

I'm seriously thinking of doing a parenting workshop to help other moms because this is so powerful!

Also powerful,

Carol Tuttle's Energy Profiling

Seriously....if you want to understand all children this is it!  It's inspired.

Coincidentally, I got to hear a lecture and meet her at the recent Winter Homeschool Conference.

Lastly, I love this video about traditional schooling, given by a high school valedictorian.

Erica Valedictorian Speech

It really makes ya think.  

Breakdowns to Breakthroughs

It's been a while since I've updated you, dear friends and family.  I know you are wondering how we are doing, especially since I wasn't necessarily in the happiest of places when I last posted.  I am happy to report that it was just a temporary slump.  It didn't take us long to see some progress, which lifted my spirits and I was back to my happy, faithful, usual self.  

Until things got bad again, and I had another "I can't do this!" meltdown.  

But things got better and we kept on plugging forward.  And then we would find ourselves beating our heads against the wall and crying into our pillows at night once again.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about the really cheesy quote I once heard,

"After the biggest breakdowns come the breakthroughs."  

I've been thinking about it because although it sounds so cliche it is absolutely true.  

We learned a little more about this in therapy a few weeks ago when it had become apparent that Chloe had turned a really huge corner and that we were heading for an upswing.  

Therapy sessions are so important for both Chloe and me.  They are so good because we are forced to communicate and by doing that we or the person helping us with the outside perspective, figure out patterns and hopefully how to change them.  It forces me to stop my daily activities for a second and just stop to take a look at the dynamics of what is really going on in with the behaviors in our household.  

The week prior to last week was a really bad week for everyone.  Chloe had seemed to be doing pretty well, then suddenly was shutting down, having panic attacks, outbursts, mood swings, you name it.  I was trying my best but really didn't know what to do because she has always been the "perfect kid", meaning despite the few normal kid mistakes and bad moods, she is the one kid I could always count on to be obedient, helpful, responsible, etc.  

(Turns out, that's bad but I'll touch on that later.)

I was done for the day, but luckily her dad had the patience to work with her for hours and long story short...this led to a major breakthrough.  Her dad helped give her the strength to do an exposure that she was REALLY afraid of, and then when she was able to do it, she was so proud of herself!  And now she is able to sleep in her room again, on her own.  It's a huge step forward.  

I saw this quote and thought it applied to our situation that week, and the following weeks as well:

The night of the breakdown, she and I were ready to give up, not knowing that the breakthrough was around the corner.  

It was an important reminder for both of us, and an important lesson. 

We had a fantastic week after that and as we talked about it in therapy, our therapist confirmed that the road to wellness will have major ups and downs, that if there is a straight line of progression going upward then something is fishy and real growth isn't happening.  So I guess....we're normal!  

I immediately thought about the talk I have been studying this week by the wonderful Sister Wendy W. Nelson given to the students at BYU Hawaii called "Becoming the Person You Were Born to Be."  It was a talk about New Year's Resolutions, and I highly recommend everyone read or listen to it along with Russel M. Nelson's talk about millennial Mormons.  Click here for the link.

In her talk Sister Nelson said,

"Think of the Savior’s disciples who, with life-threatening waves crashing around their small fishing boat, cried out to the Savior, “Carest thou not that we perish?”⁴

What did these people have in common?

They were desperate! Desperate for the Savior to heal them, help them, cleanse them, guide them, protect them, and save them! They were desperate for Jesus Christ to help them do things they could never do on their own. They were desperate to have the Savior’s strength and power in their lives. Do you know that feeling? Believe me, I do.

Well, here’s the good news: Desperation can actually be a great motivator.

When we’re desperate to be guided by heaven, we work harder than ever to tune in to heaven. When we’re desperate to be physically healthy, we eat and exercise accordingly. No excuses! When we’re desperate to have more money, we eagerly follow the Lord’s law of finances—which is, of course, tithing!"

"When we’re desperate to become the people we were born to be, our vision changes. We wake up from the spiritual amnesia the adversary so cleverly administers, and suddenly we see things about ourselves, others, and our lives we’ve never seen before. The world’s “fun” and “entertainment” start to look almost ridiculous, perhaps even spiritually dangerous. We begin to see the adversary’s tricks and traps for what they really are—temptations to make us forget our true identity and our destination.

We begin to spend our time differently. Time on Facebook doesn’t seem half as compelling as time in the temple. We experience for ourselves the profound truth taught by a wise temple president: “When we enter the temple, we leave the world of make-believe.”⁷We become much more interested in eternal truths the Lord will teach us in His holy house than in the latest sensational comments on social media, which can be so glib and brain-numbing."

She then challenged us to try a 30 day experiment:

"Daily kneel and thank your Heavenly Father for the scriptures. Tell Him the one question you most need to have answered that day. Plead to have the Holy Ghost with you as you read. Then open your scriptures anywhere, and read until you find the answer.⁸ Try it for 30 days and see what happens."

I have already learned that the answers are in the scriptures, and I frequently try this method when I have questions.  But I have never tried doing it every day.  Wow wowie wow wow....it works.  
Every single day I have been guided on the first try to the exact answer I needed or the exact scripture I have needed to read in order for the Holy Spirit to teach me.  Our family is greatly benefitting from this experiment!  Best science project we've ever done!

Even though there are ups and downs, and times when I feel very desperate, I think our family is adjusting to this "new normal" that life has thrown our way.  We are doing ok!

I asked Paul the other day, - "I talk to lots of people that say they had the same tendencies when they were a kid, they didn't do therapy, and they overcame it on their own.  Am I going overboard by putting Chloe into intensive therapy?"

Paul said, "Ask them if their anxiety level was at a 10 for several sustained hours, or all day long?  Because Chloe's was and still is sometimes.  Ask them if they had panic attacks to the point that their body shut down and they couldn't eat, sleep or even function? OCD sufferers experience all different levels of intensity, some can beat it on their own, some can do it with the help of a parent, but some need intensive help from a specialist."  It was a good reminder, and confirmation.

Current Goals for kicking OCD's butt:

1.  Communicate communicate communicate - Chloe has to break the habit of holding everything inside and has to tell us how she is feeling when she starts to spiral downward.  I need to say something like, "Your body language is telling me something has changed" and not accept any brush off's but really encourage her to talk.   Bring darkness to light so it no longer has power.

2.  She has to do more social things.  Her anxiety gets so bad she had stopped doing as much with friends, but she has been hanging out more with her awesome friends who are SO  caring, and she's remembering how fun it is to be with them!

3.  Exercise every day

4.  Practice exposures at home, never by herself.

5.  Paul wants us to enroll back into school part time.  Chloe is getting well enough that they want her to practice her new skills in a difficult setting.  Another huge step forward, earned after powering through a breakdown.

6.  This one is really important - she cannot be the perfect kid.  She has to drop the mask that everything is fine, on the days when it isn't.  I am learning in therapy that a perfectly behaved kid isn't a healthy kid, they are just learning how to play the game.  It is developmentally appropriate for teens to push boundaries, or have emotional outbursts from time to time.  So she is learning how to be a normal teenager and I am learning how to parent a new Chloe, the true Chloe with ups and downs, not the old falsely "perfect" Chloe.

I think our biggest assignment with this one is figuring out how to find balance.   Paul and Lynne are working with me on parenting a pre-teen, and helping me learn what is developmentally appropriate behavior for a teen versus what is OCD behavior, because they both require different approaches.  Paul will always advise me to be tough when disciplining, much more tough than I have been with Chloe, because she has been so emotionally fragile and I have a lot of sympathy for the suffering that OCD has caused her.

 I realized that this is because in my efforts to be Christlike, when choosing how to respond I would always choose the loving and caring approach because I thought it was what Christ would do.  Paul told me something that really helped with this, he said ( the best I can recall)

"When Christ was in the temple he wasn't kind and loving, he was firm.  He turned over the tables and cleaned out his Father's house.

You guys were recently in a car accident.  Heavenly Father could have stopped that from happening, but he didn't.  You suffered from it.  But I bet even just a few months later you are already better from it.  Whether you have more empathy for others, or something else.  Bad things happen to good people, and Heavenly Father allows it to happen, and many times he will allow us to suffer because...." and then I interrupted him to say, "I get it now," because I had already kept him longer with my questions and I knew he had to get back to the clinic.

 I wish I hadn't stopped him because he could say the next part so much better than I ever could.   But what I got was that,

Being firm IS being Christ-like.  Being tough on our kids (in a loving way), or allowing them to suffer consequences of their actions IS parenting like our Heavenly Father parents us.  Because He wants to make something out of us.  He wants us to grow and be the kind of wise and strong that only comes through suffering.

I have to be sort of like my kids' personal trainer, and since I watch the Biggest Loser, I know that personal trainers can be TOUGH if they want to get results.  This is so hard for me though!  It is not my nature to be that way.

I've also had to remember that Heavenly Father's house is a house of order.  When I am not firm and consistent, then they take over, and it becomes a house of chaos.

I decided to study this a little bit more and found a great talk by President James A. Faust that talks about disciplining in a Christ like manner.  The Greatest Challenge in the World - Good Parenting.  Some memorable quotes were:

"Among the other values children should be taught are respect for others, beginning with the child’s own parents and family; respect for the symbols of faith and patriotic beliefs of others; respect for law and order; respect for the property of others; respect for authority. Paul reminds us that children should “learn first to shew piety at home.” (1 Tim. 5:4.)

"One of the most difficult parental challenges is to appropriately discipline children. Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may not work with another. I do not know who is wise enough to say what discipline is too harsh or what is too lenient except the parents of the children themselves, who love them most. It is a matter of prayerful discernment for the parents. Certainly the overarching and undergirding principle is that the discipline of children must be motivated more by love than by punishment. Brigham Young counseled, “If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up.” (In Journal of Discourses, 9:124–25.) Direction and discipline are, however, certainly an indispensable part of child rearing. If parents do not discipline their children, then the public will discipline them in a way the parents do not like. Without discipline, children will not respect either the rules of the home or of society.

"A principal purpose for discipline is to teach obedience. President David O. McKay stated, “Parents who fail to teach obedience to their children, if [their] homes do not develop obedience society will demand it and get it. 

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell has said, “Those who do too much for their children will soon find they can do nothing with their children. So many children have been so much done for they are almost done in.” (Ensign, May 1975, p. 101.)

I am working on it....each day getting a little better and then I will randomly have a bad day and fall right back into my old bad habits.  But I saw this little meme the other day and had to chuckle:

So I guess I'm not failing if I'm still trying?

So that is how we are doing with our OCD struggles.  Most people seem to be even more curious about how homeschooling is going, so I'll write a separate post about that.  We are definitely going through a huge life change on several fronts but it's all good stuff!

The kind words of encouragement keep coming and I marvel at goodness and kindness of those around us.  Thank you again for your love!