I suppose if this were an analogy for life, this is where the "enduring to the end" part would come into play. I'm learning this about myself: when I am inspired, I am the most determined person in the world at the beginning, but then I struggle with apathy, forgetting, and falling back into old habits when the newness has worn off. This is why I need my blog, the "Mothers Who Know" Facebook group and discussion group! I need them because they will keep it all fresh and help me to stay inspired. Oh, how we need each other!
Just as the children of Israel merely had to look at the staff to be healed, yet many would not look because of the easiness of the way...the things I have learned that I am trying to do, are not hard. They're easy. They're just different than what I am used to and so I am constantly being pulled back into the natural man, reactionary way of parenting.
Basically, this means getting irritable with my kids, and yelling. If my kids didn't listen to me the first time I asked them to do something, I would ask again nicely, then maybe one more time, and then finally would get irritated and raise the level of my voice until they finally obeyed. I was always asking,
"Why do I have to yell to get you to listen to me? Why can't you just do it the first time when I ask nicely? I just want to be a nice mom!"
Oy vey!
(Side note...I have tried and tried, spent many hours on my knees, read many books for the past 14 years trying to break my habit of yelling and the principles of self-government concept is the first thing that has completely 100% worked.)
But I don't want to parent that way, I want to be like Christ. I want to live and do as the Savior would.
My biggest struggle would be honoring my children's agency. Agency is a huge principle of the gospel, the entire plan of salvation centers around it!
Agency is the ability and gift to choose and act for yourself.
Whether it be because we are in a hurry, I am inpatient, I am tired or don't feel well, I'm frustrated, or I'm just lazy....I am continually falling into the bad habit of compromising my children's gift of agency and I don't even realize I'm doing it. Instead of gentle persuasion, patience and long-suffering I constantly choose the quick fix of "stop that right now," or "do it now because I said so!" or "Time-out!" Then the power struggles begin.
In her book about teaching the principles of self-government, Nicholeen Peck says,
"If you force or make someone do something, you are starting a power struggle. Power struggles can be verbal, physical and emotional. Children can start power struggles and parents can start power struggles. Usually children learn how to start power struggles from their parents.
Parents get frustrated when instructions aren't followed or their "No" answers aren't accepted. This frustration makes parents grab things out of children's hands, yell at their children, spank their children, show their children "how it feels."
There are so many wonderful things about teaching self-government, but if I merely remember to apply these FOUR BASIC SKILLS, we have no power struggles. Teaching my family these four basic skills, has brought about a wonderful transformation of my children, their relationships with each other and me, and the overall feeling in our home.
"Parenting isn't about doing anything to our children. Parenting is about teaching our children to choose good and happiness for themselves, by themselves."
Writing all of this down is a great reminder for me. I am looking forward to our discussion group tomorrow at 2pm. I am so revived and inspired when I speak with other mothers!
If you are not familiar with the Four Basic Skills....don't get overwhelmed! I spent a week or more tackling each one, and prayerfully sought guidance from the Spirit in how I taught each principle to my children and how I approached my husband to help him support me. It will be different for each family...Heavenly Father is the perfect mentor and He will show you how you should do it for your family.
At the end of this post, I am also putting a few links of video tutorials about the four basic skills. They helped me so much! I am going to review them again today and re-commit to staying calm!
I can do it!
You can do it!
"The Four Basic Skills are an indispensable part of teaching self-government in my home. Whenever things don't seem right, or when someone isn't happy, I only have to think of these four skills and decide what we are forgetting to do and make the appropriate change or recommitment."
The Four Basic Skills are:
1. Following Instructions -
- Look at the person
- Keep a calm voice and a calm face (body)
- Say "okay" or ask to disagree appropriately
- Do the task immediately
- Check back (tell the person you're finished)
2. Accepting Criticism, Accepting "NO" for an answer -
- Look at the person
- Keep a calm voice and face
- Say "okay" or ask to disagree appropriately
- Drop the subject (Stop talking about it or fix the situation)
3. Accepting a Consequence -
- Look at the person
- Keep a calm voice and face
- Say "okay" to the consequence or ask to disagree appropriately
- Carry out the consequence
- Drop the subject (Stop talking about it or fix the situation)
4. Disagreeing Appropriately -
- Look at the person
- Keep a calm voice and face
- Say that you understand the other person's opinion
- Say your opinion
- Listen to the decision and accept it
- Drop the subject
Power Struggles - with Nicholeen Peck
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