Class #4 - The Five Teaching Styles

This is just skimming the surface of Nicholeen's book:  Parenting a House United:  Teaching Self-Government.  

She also has a program available for purchase if you're interested:  click here.

The Five Teaching Styles:

A.    Effective Praise 

(See Class #3 Notes)

B.    Pre-teaching

C.    Corrective Teaching

D.    Intensive teaching

E.    Counseling

A.    Effective Praise -This teaching style gets the best results.  It is important that it be used 6-10 times for every 1 corrective teaching interaction.

Steps:

1.     Initial praise.  (I like the way you handled that situation. )

2.     Specific description of appropriate skill.  ( What you just did was you looked at your sister, you kept a calm face and a calm voice.  You said OK and then dropped the subject.)

3.     Rationales.  ( Because you problem solved so well, you and your sister will be able to have a longer play time because no one got angry.)

4.     Acknowledgment.  ( Does this make sense?)

5.     Positive consequence.  (You’ve earned 15 minutes extra of play time with your sister before bed, because you knew how to get along.)

6.     General Praise.  ( You really did fantastic!)

   7.  Quality components B Remember to use good eye contact, good voice tone, and possibly use some touch.

B.  Pre-teaching - Pre-teaching is the second most effective style of teaching.  If you can pre-teach the situation before you have a problem, then you will significantly decrease your chances of having a problem behavior!

            Steps:

1.     Initial praise/empathy.  (I know that you are excited to go to the party...)

2.     Positive motivation statement.  (So that we will be able to stay the whole time, we should discuss what our behavior should be like.)

3.     Specific description of appropriate skill.  (When you are playing with your friends outside, you usually do a lot of running and jumping.  At the party you need to walk carefully and only sit on the furniture.  No jumping.)

4.     Rationales.  ( If you start jumping on furniture and running around we will probably not get invited to a party at Aunt Janelle’s again, because she will be afraid that something will get broken.  We will also need to leave early if you run and jump in her house, because mom will not be able to have a good time at the party, because she will be worried about what you are doing.)

5.     Demonstration.  ( This is the best way to play with friends at the party.   Show now.)

6.     Youth practice (3 times).  ( Let’s practice.  First I will be you and you get to be Aunt Janelle. You invite me in and I will behave appropriately.  Practice.  Now you be you and I will be Aunt Janelle.  I will invite you in and you behave appropriately.  Practice.  Now let’s practice sitting calmly on the couch.  You be you and I will be your cousin Parker. )

7.     Practice feedback.  (You did great at practicing your polite behavior!  You Walked calmly and sat on the couch like a lady and you even knew to talk in a quieter voice and I didn’t even have to remind you.) 

8.     Positive consequence.  (Because you did such a great job practicing, I know that you will not need to stay right by me at the party.  I can trust you to walk around with your cousins, because I know you know how to behave.)

9.     Cued practice.  (At the party I will come up to you and ask you what the appropriate behavior is and I need you to be able to tell me, OK?)

10. General Praise.  (This was so easy for you! I knew you were old enough to behave yourself at an adult party.  Good Job!)

11.  Quality Components.  Eye contact, voice tone, touch etc.

C. Corrective teaching:  Remember that for every corrective you need to be doing at least 6-10 effective praise interactions.  If you only concentrate on corrective teaching the youth will become discouraged and stop trying.  Focusing on the successes when ever possible increases the level of motivation.  That in mind also remember to keep your tolerances low.  This means that with some children you will need to look for anything and everything to give them praise about. ( Great job on remembering to buckle your seat belt!  Etc.)

Steps:                 

1.     Initial praise/empathy.  ( You did a wonderful job remembering to make your bed as soon as you got up.)

2.     Specific description of inappropriate behavior.  (However, just now when I asked you to do your morning chore, you didn’t look at me and you didn’t say OK, and you didn’t do the task immediately, and you didn’t check back.)

3.     Consequence.  (You have earned 10 minutes in time out for not following instructions.)

4.     Positive motivation statement.  ( We are going to talk about following instructions so that you can earn half of those minutes back.  Then you will only have to do 5 minutes instead of 10.)

5.     Specific description of appropriate skill.  ( What you should have done was looked at the person, had a calm voice and a calm face, said OK, done the task immediately, and checked back after you were finished.)

6.  Rationales.  (If you do this you will get your chore done much faster, because we will not need to take all of this time to talk about it.)

7.  Acknowledgment. (Tell me why following instructions is important.)

8.  Demonstration.  (Let’s practice.  You give me an instruction and I will show you the correct behavior.

9.  You Practice ( 2-3 times).  ( Now I am going to give you some instructions to follow so that you can practice.   For your first practice, I need you to tell me the steps to following instructions.  Practice.  For your second practice, I need you to try to rub your tummy and pat your head.  Practice.   Now can you please straighten the pillows on the couch.  Practice.)

10.  Practice Feedback talk during practices. ( You didn’t forget one step!  You looked at the person, kept a calm voice and a calm face, said OK, did the tasks immediately, and checked back every time.  WOW!)

11.  Positive consequence.  (Because you were so terrific, you have earned 5 minutes back.  You will only need to sit on time out for 5 minutes now instead of 10. )

12.  Cued Practice.  (Some time today I will ask you to follow another instruction that you are not planning on, so that you will never forget how to follow instructions.)

13.  General Praise.  (You really knew those steps, Great job.)

14.  Quality components.  (Eye contact, calm voice, touch, etc.)

D.  Intensive teaching:  This style is used when the youth is “Out of Instructional Control.”  This means that no instructions are being followed.  (Depressed and won’t talk, yells and throws things, bad language, scowls or cries etc.)  The goal is to get the youth calm and in control of her behaviors.  If even a small instruction will be followed, try to build on that by praise to increase motivation.    A family economy must be set up prior to these interactions.  The parents set them up and then present them to the family in family meeting.  A separate teaching time is recommended also to help the youth understand exactly how it works. 

Steps :                              

1.     Quality components.  Use good eye contact, calm pleasant voice (not happy), Use logic. It is the Adults responsibility to be logical not the youths. 

2.     Empathy/ praise.  ( I can see that you are upset and want to talk to me.)

3.     Specific description of the youths current behavior. ( You are clenching your teeth, and your fists, you aren’t keeping eye contact with me and you aren’t following instructions.)

4.     Consequence .  (Because you are not able to follow instructions right now you have earned 20 minutes in time out.)

5.     Pre-teach .  ( I am going to give you 1 minute to get ready to follow instructions, and then I will ask you to follow an instruction.  If you don’t follow the instruction, then you will earn 20 minutes in time out and an extra chore.  Then I will ask you to follow another instruction.  If you choose not to follow the third instruction, then you will earn 20 minutes in time out, an extra chore, and you will loose all of your privileges for 24 hours.)

6.  Second Instruction. ( Quin, I need you to open your fists.)

**  If this goes well, then build on it.  Give specific praise and give other instructions until the youth is completely in control.  Then corrective teach the AOut of control” behavior.  Then corrective teach the initial problem.  Then follow through with what has been earned.

6.     Description..  (You did not look at me you did not have a calm voice and face, you did not say OK, and you didn’t check back.

7.     Consequence.  (Because you are not choosing to follow instructions yet, you have earned 20 minutes in time out and an extra chore.)

8.     Pre-teach and empathy.  ( I know that you want the explain how you feel to me, but I can’t talk to you until you can follow instructions.  I am going to give you a minute to get ready to follow instructions, then if you choose not to you will earn 20 minutes time out, an extra chore and loose you privileges for 24 hours.  This means that you will not be able to attend your friend’s birthday party tomorrow.  )

10.  Third Instruction.  (Quin, I need you to open your fists.)

** If this goes well, see above **

11.  Description.  ( You didn’t look at me, you didn’t have a calm voice and face, you didn’t say OK, and you didn’t check back.)

12.  Consequence.  ( Because you didn’t follow the instruction, you have earned 20 minutes, time out, an extra chore and have lost all your privileges for 24 hours.)

 After If the youth goes all the way to losing all of her privs, then she could stay “Out of instructional control” for some time.  Try your very best to not let the youth monopolize your time.  That is usually what kind of control they are seeking with this kind of behavior.  Keep the youth in sight.  If the youth is not dangerous then do other fun things with your other kids to reward them for their good behavior.  i.e. play games, eat snacks, read a story etc. Continue to give following instruction prompts every 10- 20 minutes.

***If the youth attempts to hurt himself, others, or property in your home it might be necessary to do a soft restraint.  Get them to their knees and hug firmly around their arms to control them .  Tell them that you will let go when they can follow a simple instruction.  I hate doing this!  It is always the last resort.  Hopefully your child’s behavior is not aggressive enough to have to practice this.   Don’t ever give in to these behaviors, or the length of them will increase not decrease.  If the teaching is consistent the youth will learn the system quickly.  My children rarely go beyond the first instruction any more.

5 second rule: To keep other children away from the situation we use the “5 second rule”.  This gets rid of an audience and keeps other children from learning bad behaviors.  I call out “5 second rule,” and all the other youth in the home go to their rooms and shut the doors until I come to get them.  They will do it, because when I come to get them I give much praise and usually give some sort of a reward.  (Ice cream etc.)  Just using this rule can stop out of control behavior sometimes.  The youth soon realizes, that when he is bad, everyone else gets rewarded.

F.     Counseling:  This is different than the other styles of teaching, because there aren’t really exact steps to reference to.  Counseling is necessary when dealing with a large issue for the first time.  (Dating, peer problems, school problems, drugs, etc.)  Find a special time to talk one on one before attempting to counsel.  Over the dinner table is not a good time unless you are alone.  It can be as easy as  “Do you want to come out on the porch and have a popsicle with me?” 

1.     Teacher’s responsibilities: For the most part the teacher should strike up conversation and then be a listening ear for a while.  Try to sort out the issue using pros and cons.  Then give gentle advice.  Maybe tell about your youth.  Together make a plan and appropriate consequences.  Don’t judge the youth for her opinions.  You will not be able to make a plan if the youth gets angry.  Show many Quality components and speak with empathy and concern.

2. Counseling can also be effective if an issue hasn’t come up for a long time or right after the steps for Intensive teaching have been completed if necessary.

Tutorials:

How to praise and obstinate child

The skills of Preaching in a homeschooling context (But great for everyone!)

Teaching Self Government Stories

Why I am not voting for Donald Trump

I am not an expert, I'm not a writer or anyone important in the world.  I'm a mom, and this is my online journal and my thoughts, a place to figure things out.  Words which I would like to record for posterity and future use, but also am allowing others to read if they so desire.  If you choose to disagree with me, you are welcome to do so but I request that it be done civilly and tastefully.  

With the primaries in full swing, I have had a few thoughts about our presidential candidates.  First, I would like to start by saying that my opinions are not based on general consensus, or media influence, or anything other than a prayerful and honest search for the best candidate.  

I'll start with Donald Trump.  I must admit, as I listened to his Presidential Announcement Speech, I found myself getting riled up....."Yeah!  All of our jobs ARE being outsourced.  We need someone who can't be bought by lobbyists and who can shake things up.  We DO need to be tough on ISIS!"

But it didn't take me long to figure out that although those are good thoughts, something just isn't adding up.  I wasn't sure what it was exactly...until statements like these began cropping up:

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” 


“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” 

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” 


Oh there are so so many more.   When he was quoted in the Washington Post as saying:

"I will absolutely take database on the people coming in from Syria," Trump said, adding that such a database would not be needed in a Trump administration, as he would kick all Syrian refugees out of the country, regardless of their religion, and allow no more to enter. "If I win, they're going back. They're going back. We can't have them."

My heart turned to the recent general conference in which the voice of the Lord admonished us to succor those refugees whom are fleeing violence and terror.  

It turned to the New Colossus poem exhibited by the Statue of Liberty:

 "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

I do not want my freedoms, international relations, or the inner workings of my country put into jeopardy by a person who blatantly displays such a lack of not only moral character, but American character.  I simply don't trust him.  When it comes time to make the tough decisions, I want someone I trust and who displays some sense of right and wrong in that place of power. 

I feel the same way about Hillary Clinton.  What she says sounds so reasonable and good when I listen to her speak.  However, her actions have been sketchy, and I don't trust her.  This is not coming from a "Fox 13 rant"(which I don't entertain) about the Benghazi incident either, this is something inside me that says 

"Why would a public servant hide their emails from the general public?"  There are so many other reasons I don't have time to delve into, but as I have studied...something isn't adding up.  

I read the following article in the April Ensign the other day and started making some connections within my brain.  It's called:

Avoiding Spiritual Counterfeits

"Flattering Speech Is Counterfeit

Well over half of the counterfeiters in the Book of Mormon use flattering speech and a charismatic personality to achieve their goals. For example, Sherem “had a perfect knowledge of the language of the people; wherefore, he could use much flattery, and much power of speech, according to the power of the devil” (Jacob 7:4). King Noah’s wicked priests spoke “vain and flattering words” (Mosiah 11:7), thus causing the people to engage in idolatry and other wickedness. Korihor achieved similar results in his day, “leading away the hearts of many” (Alma 30:18). Amalickiah and Gadianton both used their penchant for flattery to raise up armies of wicked followers (see Alma 46:10; Helaman 2:4)."

Statements such as these really rang true to me:

"President James E. Faust (1920–2007), Second Counselor in the First Presidency, explained: “[Satan’s] voice often sounds so reasonable and his message so easy to justify. It is an appealing, intriguing voice with dulcet tones. It is neither hard nor discordant. No one would listen to Satan’s voice if it sounded harsh or mean.”3"

" Flattery is all about style over substance, and it appeals to the vanity and pride of the natural man within. "

"When the world presents us with an idea, philosophy, or opinion that seems to appeal solely to our vanity or pride or that simply sounds too good to be true, that ought to be a warning to us immediately. Treat those ideas as counterfeit. Compare them against the truths taught by the Lord’s prophets. Look for differences, not similarities, and the counterfeit ideas will become obvious."

So it occurred to me that this is the feeling I'm having.  I'm recognizing flattering speech for what it really is....full of partial truths or even all truths laced with one or many falsehoods.  The article exposes the tactics of Nehor, an ancient politician from the Book of Mormon by describing how he laces truth with false doctrine.  We are also shown how to recognize flattery and spiritual counterfeit when we hear it. 

I'm not saying any of the other candidates aren't doing the same thing.  But I am saying that I will not be placing my trust, support or vote with Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.  

I not only want to apply this discretion towards politicians, but all who claim to be preaching truth.  This includes John Dehlin, Kate Kelly and other open critics against Joseph Smith, the Prophet and Apostles or the Church of Jesus Christ.  

It probably wasn't a coincidence that as I was thinking about these very things, I was asked to sub in Sunday School for my daughter's class.  The lessons was "How can I recognize the difference between truth and error?"  I was excited to further my subject on this study and want to remember these articles for the future:

 These Things I Know - Boyd K. Packer

Joseph Smith - Neil L. Anderson

If Ye Lack Wisdom - Marcos A Aidukaitis

They were great reminders that if any of us lack wisdom, the pure source of truth is God.  "Let him ask of God."  So this is my pledge to myself and my children that when I am faced with important decisions such as "What is true?"   "Which church is true?"  "Was Joseph Smith telling the truth or was he a fraud?"  or even decisions such as "Whom shall I vote for?"  that I will seek wisdom and guidance from the author of all truth.  My hope is that the general population and my family will be able to apply that same discernment and wisdom as they listen to all of the candidates.  

Class #3 Notes The Four Skills and The Power of Praise

The Four Basic Skills and The Power of Praise

The entirety of this info. is from the book Parenting a House United, Changing Children’s Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self Government. by Nicholeen Peck.  I do not work for Nicholeen, I am just a mom whose family has been changed by the sharing of these principles.  This is merely of a sample of the goodness that is contained in her book, which may be purchased on amazon.com or on her website. 

Part I.  The Four Basic Skills:

99% of behavioral problems fall into one f the Four Basic Skills.  If a child is whining, the problem is not disagreeing appropriately.  If a youth has an attitude problem she is probably not accepting a “no” answer.  When my child doesn’t take his dish over to the sink, he is not following instructions.  Whenever things don’t seem right, or when someone isn’t happy, I only have to think of these four skills and decide what we are forgetting to do and make the appropriate change or recommitment. 

Why I love the Four Basic Skills

·      These are the four basic skills Nicholeen Peck learned as she began doing foster care for the Utah Youth Village and all notes are from her book Parenting – A House United. 

·      These skills take almost every situation in life and give you the steps for how to handle the situation. 

·      I don’t know of any other program which actually teaches people how to communicate like behaviorally healthy people do by practicing actual steps. 

·      After a couple of months, your children will have less anxiety and frustration and they will be changed.

·      Children need to learn that they are in control of what they feel.  They get to choose happiness.  The four basic skills and the five teaching styles (class #4) teach cause and effect in a way which encourages children to choose happiness, while honoring their agency.  Let your children know that their happiness is up to them and that happiness is a choice.  Parenting isn’t about doing anything to our children.  Parenting is about teaching our children to choose good and happiness for themselves, by themselves. 

·      Home should be the safest place to make a mistake.  These skills allow us to make mistakes without shame, blame or ruined relationships. 

The Four Basic Skills Are:

1.  Following Instructions


2.  Accepting No Answers and Criticism


3.  Accepting Consequences


4.  Disagreeing Appropriately

Skill #1  Following Instructions

This is the foundation of the four basic skills.  All success at home comes back to if the children are able to follow their parent’s instructions or not.  If a child refuses to follow your instructions then they are showing you they don’t respect you as parents of the home, don’t care about anyone but themselves, and don’t care about the structure of the family.  It only takes one person behaving this way to destroy the family vision.

That being said, these skills are not meant to turn your children into mindless obeying robots either! They are meant to give your children words and steps to associate with how to problem solve their own behaviors and respect their family members. 

-       Have you ever had a situation where a child has done something wrong and then you ask the child what they did wrong or why their action was wrong and they said “I don’t know?”

Really, the child probably doesn’t know where they made a mistake.  They only know that someone didn’t like something they did. 

Teaching a child to follow instructions in the following manner will teach the child exactly what good behaviors look like and feel like and will give the child a check list to figure out exactly where they need to improve on their respect skills. 

If the child respects their parent as a leader, then every other skill is generally automatically successful.

Note:  If following the Four Basic Skills becomes a constant problem then the parent knows their parent/child relationship needs help, and that a large focus needs to be on relationship building.  Learning to understand your child (Class #2),  family activities, one on one and family meetings (Class #5) will help with this!

Steps to Following Instructions:

1.      Look at the person-

·      Looking at a person is a signal that a person respects another person. 

·      Shows the person you are looking at that you are ready to receive communication from them.

·      Most important: eyes are the window to the soul.  By looking into your eyes, your child sees the love and kindness in your heart.  Your child can see your concern and acceptance of them so they know they can trust your instructions.  You can see the condition of their heart too. 

Note:  If your child can’t make eye contact, then you know your child doesn’t respect you at the moment, might not feel love for you right then, and probably isn’t ready for an instruction yet. 

2.     Keep a calm voice and a calm face (body)

·      If your child responds to instructions with the following behaviors, they are showing disrespect and anxiety, and you can’t really teach them anything this way.

- clenched teeth

- rolling eyes

- clenched fists

- cocked hip

- whining

- crying

- yelling

-snapping back

·      Respect must be established before any teaching takes place otherwise the child’s heart won’t be able to be changed or improved anyway.  Seriously, if I had to choose between a made bed and a respectful relationship, I would choose the relationship.  For example:

If I am telling my child to make his bed and he becomes disrespectful, I am not going to push the bed issue, I am going to push the respect issue.  Once the respect issue is taken care of, the bed issue won’t be an issue at all.  If my child storms off to clean his room with an attitude problem or with tears rolling down his face, what have I gained: a clean room?  Who really cares about a clean room when a relationship is a mess or a person has anxiety about something and we haven’t helped that person learn how to deal with that anxiety so he can be happy?

Note: In an effort to understand your children, try to keep in mind how you feel when you are anxious.  Now, take that anxious feeling and times it by three.  Children are way more anxious than most adults because they are so helpless and dependent upon other people for everything they need.  Also, many things they are experiencing are for the very first time!

·       When children learn to keep their voice, face and body calm when they are talking to you, then they are less likely to allow anxiety to control them.  If my children choose to be calm, they are choosing happiness.

3.     Say “OK” or ask to Disagree Appropriately

·      When I give my children an instruction or a “no” answer, I want them to tell me, and remind themselves they are okay with the fact that I am their parent and I have the authority to give them instructions.  This is a verbal confirmation of respect.

·      Okay is also a really calm word.  It suggests that things are okay.  It gives children the power to choose happiness.

There is an alternative to saying okay:

·      Disagreeing appropriately – Sometimes a youth really doesn’t feel that an instruction, “no” answer or consequence is right or fair.  In order to understand your child completely, and continue to have a good relationship with them, you may give them an opportunity to express themselves if done in a calm way.  (Steps to disagreeing appropriately will be discussed later during this workshop)

·      When giving a child an instruction, they can say “okay” or they can say, “okay, but may I disagree appropriately?”  This last statement still shows they are okay with me giving them an instruction, but then declares they would like to discuss my instruction further before an actual decision is made.  This is great self-government!

4.     Do the task immediately – Following through with an instruction is another sign of respect.  Asking favors is something you do to adults.  It is very kind, but also very vague for children.  Following through with a chore, an instruction or responsibility is a skill that will bless the child for her whole life.

*Nagging -  Nagging is when you repeatedly ask or tell someone to do something because the person isn’t getting the task done in a decent amount of time.  Nagging can ruin relationships.

Don’t nag, there is no need to.  If the child didn’t follow instructions, then correct the behavior.  The person would simply go through a corrective teaching with her parents and then earn an extra chore, or whatever your family has decided is the negative consequence for a minor offense.  After the corrective teaching, remind them of the steps to following instructions and move on with your day.

*Note:  If your spouse doesn’t follow instructions, you shouldn’t corrective teach them.  Husbands and wives should get in the habit of trusting each other to finish things they promise to finish.  If a spouse doesn’t do what was asked, either go to them and communicate honestly, without manipulation or emotion, about the instruction, let the task go undone, or just do it yourself and choose to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  Husbands and wives have to learn how to effectively communicate with each other if they expect to be able to effectively communicate with their children; this means we have to respect our spouses enough not to nag them either. 

5.     Check back (tell the person you’re finished) – Also very respectful.  “Mom I finished the dishes, is there anything else?”

When children get to return and report, you get the opportunity to tell them what a great job they did at the task and they have the opportunity to receive praise.  If my children never came to let me know they finished a task, I wouldn’t get the opportunity to show them through praise that good equals good and bad equals bad. 

Skill #2 Accepting No Answers and Criticism

·      Criticism means to critique something for the good or the bad. 

·      No answers come in many forms – examples:  “No, you may not have that cookie right now.” If a child is in a three legged race and doesn’t win, that is also a No answer.  If a child can’t spell a word for a spelling bee, that is a no answer.  If a child gets left out from a group of friends, that is a no answer.  Basically, if you don’t get something you want, that is a no answer.  Preparing children to accept a no answer gracefully can help them choose happiness. 

Steps to Accepting No Answers or Criticism:

1.      Look at the person

2.     Keep a calm voice and face and body

3.     Say “okay” or ask to disagree appropriately

4.     Drop the subject (Stop talking about it or fix the situation)

What are some ways that children do not accept no answers?

An example of an interaction for basic skill #2 looks like this:

“Mom, can I play my game on the computer?”

“Thanks for asking Quin, but we can’t right now, we have to start getting ready for bed.”

Quin looks at Mom keeps a calm voice, face and body and says “Okay”.  He walks off without any attitude, or anger.  He has effectively dropped the subject.

What happens if Quin doesn’t choose to accept a “No” answer?  Apply corrective teaching.    (Corrective teaching will be taught in upcoming courses but here is an example.)

Tell yourself, “My child is not accepting a no answer.” 

“Son, I notice that you are wearing these clothes.  These clothes need to be saved for another day, so you didn’t accept a no answer.  What you should have done, is you should have looked at me, said okay or asked to disagree appropriately because those are the steps to accepting a no answer.  Then be happy with the clothes that you had on.  Since you chose not to do that then you have earned an extra chore.”

Then drop the subject

When kids fight or yell, have a conversation with them later:

“Son, do you remember what happened with ______ a few minutes ago?”

“Yes, I yelled, etc.”

“Did it help?”  They should say no

“So what you did at that time was you didn’t disagree appropriately.  When you get angry at another person, what you’re trying to do is disagree but it’s in a way that they won’t ever listen.  What you should’ve done, is just looked at him, kept a calm voice and a calm face, calm body, and then said,

“Can I disagree appropriately?”  He would say yes because our family knows how to do that.  You could say ______  I understand that you wanted to play with that thing, but I’ve given you a no answer and I need you to respect the no answer, ok? 

He would probably say ok, but if he didn’t, then at that point you can probably go get your mom and she can help you sort it out.  But when you get angry, the thing is that even your mom doesn’t feel like she wants to help you as much because it feels like, you are maybe trying to get someone in trouble or something like that. 

But she’ll probably help you.

So since you chose not to behave appropriately then you’ve earned an extra chore.  So what we’ll have you do is clear off the counter.   Good job saying ok! 

So let’s practice right now how to disagree appropriately because brothers do need quite a bit of practicing for!   Let’s pretend that this is your toy and you set it down and then I’m going to take it and I’m going to start ruining it.  So what are you going to do?

“I’m going to ask if I could disagree appropriately.  You are taking apart and ruining that and it’s mine, will you please stop?” 

The one part I want us to practice is for us to say, I understand that you want to play with that right now.  If you tell them you understand them then they will listen more to what you have to say.  Practice again. 

I think you’re not going to have a problem in the future, right?

Skill #3 Accepting a Consequence

·      Very similar to skill #2, the only step that is different is “carry out the consequence.”

·       

Steps to Accepting Consequences:

·       Look at the person

·      Keep a calm voice and face and body

·      Say “okay” or ask to disagree appropriately

·      Carry out the consequence

·      Drop the subject

An example of accepting a consequence interaction can look like this:

“Paije, a few minutes ago, I gave you an instruction to take out the kitchen garbage.  You looked at the person, kept a calm voice, face and body, and said ‘okay,’ but you didn’t do the task immediately.”  (Right here I tell her what she should have done and why.)

“Since you didn’t follow instructions, you have earned an extra chore.  Okay?”

Paige would look at mom, keep a calm voice, face and body and say “okay,” or disagree appropriately, then go take the garbage out and do her extra chore: wash the banister.  Paije would also not talk about the subject anymore. 

Skill #4 Disagreeing Appropriately

·      Is a healthy, assertive skill (see the first class to review aggressive, passive, passive aggressive and assertive)

·      Shows respect

·      Seek to understand, then be understood. 

·      Child has opportunity to state their opinion, then listens to the decision of the parent. 

Steps to Disagreeing Appropriately:

·       Look at the person

·      Keep a calm voice and face and body

·      Say that you understand the other person’s opinion

·      Say your opinion

·      Listen to the decision and accept it (Skills 1,2, &3)

·      Drop the subject

An example of disagreeing appropriately interaction can look like this:

“Mom, can I have a cookie?”

Mom says, “No Porter.  We are going to have dinner ready soon.”

Porter says, “Okay, but can I disagree appropriately?”

“Sure Porter”

“I know you don’t want me to have a cookie, but I really want one.”  This is not a very persuasive disagreement, but is an appropriate one and a great step to learning how to govern his own emotions and behaviors so I will often times reward this simple kind of disagreement by saying,

“Porter you are so good at disagreeing appropriately.  Since you chose to disagree appropriately, you may have half of a cookie before dinner and eat the rest after dinner.” 

An example of disagreeing appropriately with an older youth:

“Dad, can I dye my hair blue?”

Dad would answer no because colored hair is against the family standard.

Then the youth would say, “Okay but may I disagree appropriately?”

“Sure”

“Dad, I know you don’t want me to dye my hair blue because its against the family standard, but I am cast as a fairy in the play, and the director has told us to dye our hair a different color.  Could I just use washout blue for the play?”

Dad points out that because the child disagreed appropriately, he is now able to listen to her and give her different options. 

Teaching the Four Basic Skills for the First Time

Pull all the children together and teach them the steps to following instructions.  Then play with the new skill by giving each other instructions.  Next teach skill number two and so on until you have moved through all four of the basic skills.  Play with all of them like a game by taking turns doing the skills.  Be sure to praise everyone when they complete skills appropriately.

After you have taught all the skills, then tell the children they have learned the new skills wonderfully.  So that you can effectively teach them by using cause and effect, you will want to teach them how you will correct them if they don’t choose to do one of the skills correctly.  Pre-teaching is also an effective skill with other behaviors you want your children to learn.  If you play a game called, “the go to bed game” before it is bedtime the child is not emotionally attached to going to bed and will learn the skill quickly. 

In our game we say, “It’s time to go to bed.” and everyone tries to run to bed the fastest.  Mom and Dad praise how well the children went to bed.  “You are so good at going to bed!  I know that you will be so good at going to bed tonight!  You are amazing!”  After this preteaching game, bedtime is much happier. 

Contact Molly for copies of the  4 Skills Charts and Job Jar for consequences

Part II.  Praise – Making it worth it

·      Praising is the number one most effective style of teaching of all the five different teaching styles, (next class will teach the others).  If a person gets praised for being a good cook, the person will attempt cooking again.  If a person is praised for being good at art, the person will attempt other art projects again, and will probably tell everyone they are good at art too. 

·      Praising any behavior in front of other children will encourage other children to mimic the behavior which was praised as well. 

·      Praising shows children what “good” looks like.

·      The magic of praise:  it can change hearts!  Praising a child changes their countenance.  If you are feeling frustrated by a child’s behavior, you can change the entire mood of your home by pointing out the positives and praising.  You will see a twinkle in their eyes!

How Often Should I Praise My Child?

To be exact, you should praise your children six to ten times for every time you correct them.  This is a reachable number!  Your child does way more good things in a day than bad things.  The only problem is that most of the good things go unnoticed; probably because we are caught up in the chaos of the bad choices.  Even if some of those bad choices are overwhelming, children still need to be praised to show that good things get praised and bad things get corrected. 

How Should I Praise My Child?

Praising doesn’t need to be complicated, but it also shouldn’t be the same two words every time. 

Be specific:  describe exactly what the child did right so the behavior can easily be repeated, and so the person feels their praise is specific to them.  Such as: 

“Just now I was walking past your room and noticed that it looks beautiful!  You are a great cleaner.” 

“Just now I gave you a no answer and you looked at me, kept a calm voice and body and said okay, then you dropped the subject!  That was the perfect way to accept a No answer!  You didn’t miss a step.  You are remembering the four skills so well.”

“I have noticed that you and your brother have been playing happily this morning.  You are going to be such good friends if you keep playing so nicely. You really know how to be a great friend.”

“You do a fantastic job remembering to buckle your seatbelt when you get in the car.  Well done!”

Remind Yourself to Praise

            Perfect people may always remember to praise, but I am not perfect so I have given myself signals to remind me to praise more.  If I notice I am becoming too serious I am reminded to praise.  If I notice my marriage relationship not feeling like I would like it to feel, I praise.  If I notice that my home feels stressed, I praise more.  If I realize I am always correcting one child more than others, I praise. 

Praise is the language of love and appreciation! 

Click here to go to the Self Government Website

Links to tutorials by Nicholeen:

Introduction to Self Government:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heFZ1RxOTlg

How to stop nagging:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fY3mS3iSko

Power struggles:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC-plBtIsB0

Correcting:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahMxmrSpRsU

How to disagree appropriately:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uJ5YCnw9s4

Praising an obstinate child:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1dxeN_mQmE

Proven parenting skills:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ednZW6bTkkc

Nicholeen's family on the BBC show "World's Strictest Families"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPrk6XbGb3I