January Faves

Pinterest printables:

I used these to make Sicily's Valentines:

Kool Valentine

And these for Carter's:

I love free printables.  

I also made treats for the ladies I visit teach, and my trek kids.  These are the printables I used:

Super cute!

I stuffed them with the most delicious snack mix known to man.  

(In my humble opinion)

Once I start, it's as addictive as crack cocaine and I cannot stop.  

Here's the recipe I used from Cooking Classy

Other Favorites:

I will read anything if it is written by Sheri Dew - ANYTHING! 

She doesn't know it yet but she's my adopted sister.  

It was a good book because Sheri wrote it, maybe more written for those who haven't already formed their own testimony about a woman's role in the priesthood.  My testimony on that is solid, so I didn't really read anything new.  However, if you have any issues with this issue - call me and we'll talk! 

or

read this book!

photo courtesy of the odysseyonline

I'm addicted.  I started binge watching when I was sick with morning sickness, not realizing that there are 8 seasons - with over 20 episodes per season.  

I also remembered where it was that I first fell in love with Milo Ventimiglia.  

The girls and I watch it together.  It sparks a lot of good conversations but mostly we can't help but notice the similarities between Lorelai's personality and mine vs. Lukes personality and John.  And all of the similarities between the small town Star's Hollow characters and our own South Weber characters.  Delightful.

I may have already posted this one in a favorites.  It's still my favorite.

I don't like to eat in the morning because my stomach feels weird and not hungry.

This is not too sweet with milk and fills me up enough to take my pills so that I can eat breakfast later when I'm ready.  

It also is an incentive for me to get up in the morning when I'm cold.  

I eat it with the only gluten free toast I can stand:

I eat it while I'm watching Gilmore Girls and drinking my hot cocoa, all wrapped up in the new electric blanket my mother in law gave me for Christmas.  

It's the little joys that are making this winter bearable.  

Sometimes Life "LIFES" you.

It's been a while since I've written anything.  

For the first time in my life, I think I haven't felt like saying anything.  And also wasn't at liberty to say things until now. 

To quote my 90 year old friend Glenna,

"Sometimes life just LIFES you."

(Yes, I just made life a verb.)  

I think life LIFED me this year.

Or maybe just chewed me up and spit me out.

Here's the brief recap for those who don't know:

We thought we were going to move back east, but now we aren't.  

A bunch of bad stuff happened, but it turned out okay.

John is now the new Director of Manufacturing at Varex Imaging in Salt Lake City.  

And we are for sure - not moving.  Hooray!

For those who want details, and for my own personal records:

I.

In May of last year, John was approached by a former coworker/mentor about a job opportunity in.....

New Jersey.  Gasp!

A director position to boot.  He saw something in my husband and wanted him on his team.

Totally blindsided me.  

After building our new home and finally feeling settled in our new neighborhood and ward, I didn't see that one coming.  I thought, "if we move, will my blog then become 

Virginia girl in a Utah world....ooops, now we are in New Jersey?"

How can I leave my beloved South Weber?  South Weber is my little bit of heaven on earth, our safe place.  The people here have loved me and mentored me and sheltered me....We have friends that just as well might be family.  How can we move back east after my mom just left her entire life in Virginia to come be with us?  How can we leave John's family?

I just can't do it.  

This is what I thought at first.  But as we learned more I understood what a wonderful opportunity this was for my husband's career, and possibly for our family.  

So I began to pray like I've never prayed before.  

I prayed that I could understand what God's will was for us, then align ourselves in that direction. 

I fasted, went to the temple, fasted and prayed some more. 

I have learned that sometimes things in the business world take a loooooong time.  This was the case with this position, so we continued forward with our busy summer.  

John would occasionally have phone interviews, then another, then another.  Each one leaving us with a good feeling about this new opportunity.  It was looking like it was going to happen.

John and I went on Pioneer Trek, then I turned around and directed Girls' Camp the following week.  

It was a busy but spiritually rich month, and I finally felt at peace with whatever happened with the New Jersey job.  

That was when I was hit with the first blow.  

II.

Imagine putting your whole heart and soul into a calling, and into the precious souls you serve.  

Imagine doing your very best,  even when you are exhausted and stressed...but still digging down deep to give that 110% to those you are serving, even at the expense of your own family.

Then imagine that those efforts are misinterpreted, and you are accused of something horrible despite your honorable intentions.  

That is what happened to me.

And my heart broke into a million pieces.  

It's like I worked for a half a year to bake a beautiful and special cake for someone, ignoring my children, shopping for the very best ingredients, researching the very best recipe, studying cakes every day, learning how to decorate so that it could be the most beautiful offering I could give.  

Then when I finally give the anticipated cake, I guess I at least expected a little gratitude or some acknowledgement for my efforts and hard work.  

For the most part, I did.

But then someone criticized how I decorated the cake.  And it overshadowed the compliments because I had worked so hard to decorate it perfectly.  

And if that wasn't enough, 

then someone accused me of trying to put poison in the cake when I didn't.  

And I tried to tell them I didn't but they insisted that I put poison in there, whether or not I meant to.

Then they told others I put poison in the cake and they got upset.

And suddenly I was the bad guy for trying to make this beautiful cake the way I tried to make it.  

And I got in trouble with the cake company for giving a poisoned cake to people.  

I can't explain the details but that is what my summer was like.  

I cannot even describe the turmoil I experienced. 

Devastating feelings:  hurt, anger, sorrow, grief, horror, falsely accused, unappreciated, picked on...I would try to explain my side but it didn't matter.  I tried to make restitution but was met with a stone wall.  It was one of the most terrible things I have ever experienced.  

And in the midst of that turmoil, my stepfather passed away from cancer.  

Cancer, the same horrible disease that took my father, uncle and grandparents.

My stepfather  raised me from the time I was nine and was a grandfather to my children up until he left us for his new honey just after Carter was born. 

I had tried to reach out to him since then, but it wasn't reciprocated and we had become estranged.

So when he passed away and his new wife revealed in the obituary that he apparently had another family with children that he was dedicated to and loved, and they all thought he was amazing.... WHILE he was supposed to be my stepfather and dedicated to our family.  

It was a lot of hurt to deal with, mixed with grief.  

And a tall order for an already broken heart to tackle.  

I shed lots and lots of tears in 2016.

III.

So like I usually do, I sought refuge in the temple.  There is something so comforting and healing about going to the temple.

In the temple I began taking the steps to let all of the horrible feelings go.  I took steps to heal.  And I took steps to get answers about our impending move.  Before going to the temple I was guided to a talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins called "Nevertheless I Went Forth". 

In the talk, he said the following:

"In our married life, Christy and I have found that assurance for critical life-impacting decisions can be communicated through the scriptures, often after temple worship.

For example, after much pondering and prayer, we decided to abandon our new dream home in Dallas, accept a job transfer, and move with six young children to Beijing. But we desperately desired spiritual confirmation for such a momentous move. Divine assurance did come to us, in the temple, as we read these words in the Doctrine and Covenants: “It is my will that you should . . . tarry not many days in this place; . . . think not of thy property. Go unto the eastern lands.”16 The voice of Jesus Christ in the scriptures, accompanied by powerful feelings from the Holy Ghost, unquestionably confirmed that our decision to move to China was right."

Inspired by this talk, I decided to try the reading-scriptures-in-the-celestial-room-to-get-answers method.  I prayed that we would know what to do.  I opened the scriptures and immediately read in Doctrine and Covenants.  I can't find it now, but it said to "go back east."

That was enough for me.

By August when we flew back to New Jersey for a face-to-face interview, I was ready for a fresh start and thanks to my experience in the temple was feeling 100% ready to tackle this move/new adventure.

We got a real estate agent and looked at homes, we found the perfect little commuter town outside of Philadelphia, I toured the high school and met the girls' potential future teachers.  

Everything felt good, and it seemed to be falling into place.  

John liked the company, they liked him.  It seemed like a great fit, an amazing opportunity and seemed to be a done deal.  

More waiting ensued.

IV.

School was about to start, and we had an impending move hanging over our heads.  We were ready to go, we just needed the formal offer to pull the trigger.  

No word came.  

Lots of frustration on my part.

School started, but I didn't want to enroll the kids if we were just going to move any day now....

I didn't sign them up in any sports or activities, Chloe and Sicily wanted to start school regardless,but the others continued with homeschool.  

More waiting.  

SO frustrating!

Finally we got word with an explanation for the holdup.  The company was being purchased by a larger company and hiring has been brought to a standstill.  They still want John for the job, but their hands are tied until the new company takes over.  Could we revisit things in January?

At this point I was happy to just have an answer with a sort of timeline.  

Carter started school, while Clara continued to finish the semester doing homeschool.  

V.

It ended up being a really good thing we didn't move because I started to get sick, REALLY sick.  

I had skipped periods, I was tired, I was sweaty and hormonal and oily.  I legitimately thought I was going through menopause.  

One night I suddenly woke up at 2am KNOWING in my heart of hearts what was wrong with me...

Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!  

Wait....I'm pregnant?  You mean after all of those years feeling like there was one more little spirit that needed to be with our family, trying and trying with no results...having an awful early miscarriage the day we moved into our new house...and finally deciding to get rid of our baby stuff and move on....NOW we get pregnant unexpectedly and just before a huge life change?  

Oh boy.

It took some time to wrap our brains around it.  In the meantime Sicily got very ill.  So ill it was scary, and really sad.

In the midst of my throwing up and nausea we spent a night in the Emergency Room doing tests, and finally she had surgery to remove her appendix.  Seeing my children suffer is really hard for me.  Just as my heart was beginning to heal, it was getting tugged at again with the fear, anxiety, and compassion as I watched her suffer without being able to help her.  Thankfully, she made a full recovery after a very terrible week.

I was ready for things to return to normal again.

Less than a few weeks later I got a call from the school:  Carter had fallen off the monkey bars and badly broken his arm.  I rushed to the office to find my son in shock, with his bones sticking in places they shouldn't.  More fear and anxiety, more racing to the ER.  More watching my child suffer and there's nothing I can do about it.  

With the awful pregnancy sickness, I was physically lower than I had ever been.  My heart was trying to mend but continued to be torn apart over and over again!  I was feeling pretty low but still trying to be positive.  

 It was really hard on the kids and John having mom be down every single day for months on end.  I couldn't even sleep at night because the sickness was so intense.  "It will all be worth it when I hold my new baby," I told myself over and over.  We all tried to heal as we rode out mom's extreme morning sickness and headed towards the Holiday season. 

VI. 

My first trimester passed and everything was looking good.  Now that we were in the clear, we could finally tell people about the pregnancy, the sickness, and why I had disappeared from the face of the earth.  

My baby bump was emerging, necessitating maternity clothes.  I had such a fun time buying them again!  After a terrible summer, the pregnancy brought our family so much joy despite the sickness.  All the family could talk about was a.  the move to PA and b. the new baby.  Would it be a boy or a girl?  The kids fought over who got to share a room with the new baby.  We chose names:
Sadie Ann  after my grandmother for a girl.
Sawyer David after John's dad, and family friend "Daddy David" if it was a boy.
We couldn't wait to welcome this new little brother or sister into our family.  

Just before Thanksgiving, I started feeling better.  I was still nauseated but could do more things and be up on my feet.  I started to feel the baby move which is always fun.   I went in for a routine ultrasound for my second trimester.  Sicily came with me because I thought it would be a simple in and out visit.  

Sadly, the baby had passed due to a neurotubal defect.  It was another difficult blow:  emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  I will say that I had spiritual experiences that left me with the comfort, peace and assurance that this was the plan, and that it would be alright.  Nevertheless, the process of returning to normal has been in slow increments.  

I carried the baby for a week before having my Dilation and Curettage procedure to remove the fetus, which we now know was a girl.  

I experienced post-partum symptoms without taking my baby home from the hospital.  

Adding insult to injury, I got food poisoning during my recovery and felt like I was literally at death's door.  I don't think I've ever been that low.

It's been a fight to work my way back to normal.  

First I had to work on getting out of bed each day,

then I was able to make it a day without crying, 

then I was able to smile again,

then I was able to laugh again,

(Going on a week long vacation to DisneyWorld didn't hurt!)

pretty soon I was starting to feel more normal.  I'm not there yet, but I think it's around the corner.  

I'm sure I will have much more to write about the experience when I've processed everything.

VII.

If anyone ever understood what it means to have a "broken heart and a contrite spirit" it's me this year. I have sought counsel and comfort from the scriptures, good music, going to the temple and the words of the living prophets.   

Latter-day Saints Keep on Trying

and

Hope Ya Know We Had a Hard Time 

are talks that have been especially cherished.

I have also gained a lot of comfort and knowledge from an Ensign article called 

"About Trauma."  

It has a lot of great insight for people who have experienced any kind of traumatic event in their lives.   Or in  my case, multiple consecutive events.  The article led me to my new favorite scripture:

Isaiah 61:1-33

1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaimliberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

 3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

I felt like the words of the Isaiah verses spoke directly to me and described exactly how I felt - 

"the oil of joy for mourning"

"the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness"

Isn't that beautiful?  

It was at this very vulnerable place that we finally got the call from the job in New Jersey.  The new company had filled the position with their own person.  It was no longer available.  

Part of me was relieved, but mostly I was totally confused.  

I was sad for the lost opportunity that I had convinced myself was right and had spent half a year preparing for.  

Why were we directed to pursue that position when it inevitably didn't work out?

Is there something wrong with my ability to receive revelation?

Heavenly Father doesn't lie, but does he trick people?

What's the deal?

I have had some dark days, full of questioning, complaining and lots of murmuring.

This year really threw me for a loop.

The answers didn't come immediately, but they have come and are coming. I plan to write more about this in greater detail in an upcoming post.  

I think of the song, "As the Dew from Heaven Distilling" and how the Lord blesses us bit by bit.  

This Ensign article about Dew is AMAZING.  Read it!

The Dews From Heaven

Bit by bit I'm getting stronger, moving forward, and the light is returning.  

VIII.

Soooooo......we are not moving back east.  We get to enjoy our new home and new neighborhood, and our wonderful little community which is helping me raise my children one day at a time.  

All of the kids are back in school now, enjoying their friends and good, caring teachers.  We are surrounded by believers of the same faith, something I have grown used to and am beginning to see that it is the perfect environment for me.  

There is a comfort and safety to being in the midst of the fold.  

We are truly, very blessed.

As luck would have it, just a week or so after the job closed in New Jersey, John was given a new position at his current company.  It is a director position, the same position and opportunity he was recruited for back east.  It was totally unexpected but as his wife, I believe well deserved.
I have no doubt he will enjoy this fresh, and new challenge and make the company better.

We also know for a surety that I will not be giving birth to more children.  It is a relief to have that chapter of our lives finally close, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter for our little family.  

There has been lots of pain and sorrow this year, but also much joy and peace.
I am so grateful for the faith that has sustained us.

Dear friends, you have no idea how many of you have touched us - given us words of comfort at just the right time and in just the right place.  We will forever be grateful.
We consider it an honor to be your friends and neighbors and hope that we can return the love that you have shown us.
We love you.

Preparing for Conference

I love General Conference so much.
While everyone else is snoring through the talks, I'm taking notes and hanging on every word.  I spent 17 years of my life not hearing the counsel and messages of peace from the Lord through His prophet and apostles, so I appreciate every moment.

Here's a shocker....my kids don't love conference.  We don't want it to be a punishment, so we don't require them to sit and listen.  But it's always my goal to have activities/treats/traditions so that it wi ll become something that they look forward to and eventually love.

I think this year I have found via Pinterest, my best idea yet.

I bought Sicily a little tent on sale at Target.  She is very excited about playing in her tent.  I'm thinking it can be her conference tent, where she can play while we listen.

But this is the best...I'm making speaker bags, one for each apostle or member of the first presidency. When that person speaks, they get to open the bag and share the treat.  Some examples:

EyRING pops
Dieter's doughnuts
Christofferson's Krispies (RK treats)

Possibly a little irreverent but a mom's gotta do what she's gotta do.

As for me, I always prepare for Conference by praying and posing questions beforehand, but this year I'm getting specific based on a post I read by Al Fox Carraway.  WRITE down your questions.

I ALWAYS get answers during General Conference.  ALWAYS.
I am going to post my questions before Conference because I'm so sure the answers are going to be there, that afterwards I'll be able to see it visibly as evidence that this method works.

Read on if you dare....It's an anxious and troubled place inside my mind at times.

-When you have a big crossroads kind of decision to make and want to do the Lord's will - you research, pray, fast, go to the temple and do your part but still get no answers...what is that about?  Out of all people, aren't those of us who are working hard to know the Lord's will the ones who deserve answers the most?

-So then because you don't get any answers, you just act and choose what you want and what you think is best.  And you feel the spirit confirm that it's a good choice and feel really good about it, and you get really excited about that decision but then it ends up being a dead end.....how do you not feel jaded, toyed with, or lose confidence in your ability to participate in the revelatory process?  Why would Heavenly Father do that?

-What do you do with bad feelings when you don't want them, but they are there anyway and you can't let them go.  People always say to give them to the Savior, but HOW do you do that?  If you WANT to forgive, and pray to forgive, why doesn't it happen?  Then you feel terrible for having hard feelings even though you're trying not to.  You need the Spirit and want the Spirit, but can't feel Him because you're so troubled with these bad feelings that you can't make stop.  What do you do with yourself until they go away?

-Why do hard times/blessings always seem to come in big bursts...like when it rains it pours?

-We are supposed to "Be still".  How do we do that?

-How can I better endure persecution?  Chastisement?

-When you prayerfully act and do something you think is good, and the Spirit doesn't give you any warnings, but then people react badly to that good thing you did....what is that about?

-How do you turn the other cheek when others falsely attack your character?  Isn't your character and integrity something that you should defend?  Especially when your livelihood and ability to do good in your community depends on others trusting your character.  What is the Christ like thing to do in that situation?

-I need inspiration for teaching kids about self control, how to help them strengthen this?

-I've had thoughts about agency - If Heavenly Father won't compromise our agency for anything then why don't we have agency or the choice over when we die or when we are born?  Or did we.....you know, before?
Shouldn't we be able to choose when we die in situations where dying would be the compassionate thing to do?  I know I didn't articulate that very well.

- We aren't supposed to have pride or try to "keep up with the Joneses", or put stock in THINGS, but we are also counseled to make our homes lovely places and like the temple.  How do we feel good about buying new things to make our homes beautiful without feeling bad or guilty that we're being prideful for having nice things?  How do we find that balance?

Where do I want to be in my life?  Where does Heavenly Father want me to be?  What does He want me to be doing?

That is all.

Try the experiment for yourselves!  Write down your questions beforehand and you will be amazed at how many of the speakers are inspired with answers JUST FOR YOU.  From a loving, merciful Heavenly Father and Savior.  Enjoy Conference y'all!

My Health Journey

Why am I always sharing stuff?
Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself the same thing. It seems I've always got something new to write about or tell others about, or do classes about.  What compels me to do this?

Most of you know my spiritual journey.  If you don't, you can read about it in previous posts.  I used to be a not so great person.  I wasn't even close to living to my potential.  I didn't know God or the Savior.

Yet, they saw fit to intervene on my behalf.  Through the Savior I've grown, I've overcome lots of yucky things, but most importantly I've enjoyed and am enjoying happiness and blessings beyond comprehension.

I have to thank Them.  I have to give back.  I have given myself over to them, and I want to follow the Spirit in all things.  Its just that simple.  And the more I do that, the bigger the blessings and the more profound the joy.  It's a never ending circle of indebtedness that I'm grateful to be a part of.

So on to my physical health journey.
This is for me.
I have to actually write it all down to keep track of everything, but am also choosing to share in the hopes someone else might find their own inspiration through my trials.

I had gestational diabetes with Carter, my third child.  He was almost 10 lbs at birth, and the pregnancy was really hard on me.  Carrying around such a big kid and being a mother to two other little ones was hard on my body and it started to fall apart.

I had gallbladder "sludge" and attacks during and after my pregnancy with Carter and so it was recommended that I have my gallbladder removed.

At the same time, I started having back "episodes".  I would be doing something simple and then end up flat on my back unable to move.  The solution was always muscle relaxers which made me loopy and large doses of ibuprofen until it went away.
My doctor gave me xrays and determined that I had a bulging disk and said I should try physical therapy.

My first day of physical therapy was excrutiating.  The stretched me out on a machine and then snapped me back together and when I did, my legs went numb.  I have no idea what happened but I went out of that office in worse shape than when I went in.  I gradually gained mobility, but I could never move the way I wanted, and  every night my legs would go numb and I couldn't sleep.  Sometimes just my right leg, sometimes both.  I started to become desperate to find some relief.

First chiropractor:  Dr. S.
Confirmed that I was in bad shape.  Said I could have permanent nerve damage in my legs.  Said I needed to come in three times a week, but insurance didn't cover most of it and as a young couple putting the husband through school, we couldn't afford that.  So I got a second opinion.

Second chiropractor:  Dr. W
Confirmed that I was in bad shape.  Said I could have permanent nerve damage in my legs.  Said I needed to come in three times a week, but insurance didn't cover most of it and as a young couple putting the husband through school, we couldn't afford that.  So I got a third opinion.

Third chiropractor:  Dr. D.  Confirmed that I was in bad shape.  Said I needed to come in three times a week, but insurance didn't cover most of it and as a young couple putting the husband through school, we couldn't afford that.

All chiropractor visits would provide temporary relief, but nothing permanent and it was expensive. So I decided to take the dr. route.   My doctor ordered an MRI and confirmed that I had a bulging disk in my back and recommended physical therapy.  (ha...ha...hahaha) I told her about some of my other emerging symptoms:
I couldn't think!  It was like I was trying to think through sludge.  She said this is called brain fog.
I had random buzzing in the muscles inside my body, like a cell phone was going off inside of me.
I would have chest pain and think I was having a heart attack, the first time this happened I went to the emergency clinic and they told me it was a panic attack.  The panic attacks were terrible...like a living hell.
I had pain all over, especially when it was cold.  My joints would hurt immensely.  But consistently I felt like hot pokers were on my legs.
I had intestinal issues, bouts of diarrhea and then constipation.  She said it was IBS.
I would get a sinus headache over my right eye every afternoon.  If I didn't take ibuprofen then it would turn into a migraine and I'd be down for the rest of the day.

My doctor gave me more muscle relaxers and 800 mg ibuprofen and referred me to a neruologist.

Neurologist:  Dr. S.
Listened to my symptoms, did a bunch of tests and then told me he was certain I had symptoms.  I fit the profile perfectly as a white female in her early 30's.  My back problems were something he usually only saw in obese people, not someone with my small frame.

He ordered a brain scan. I prepared myself for a life of battling MS and dying in a wheelchair.  The brain scan came back clean.  No lesions.  He was stumped.

With the leg numbness, he needed to determine if I had any nerve damage so I had an EMG.  If you've never had an EMG, it's a special kind of torture where they stick a long needle into different muscles and shock you with electricity, then record how your muscles react.  PAIN PAIN PAIN.

No nerve damage.  He said when people like me have symptoms that can't be explained, they have no choice but to call it fibromyalgia.  He told me to try an orthopedist for my back.

Orthopedist:  Dr. V
Gave me a bunch of exercises and told me to try a decompression table every day where you hang upside down.  I said they were too expensive so he said to try hanging from the monkey bars every day.  I did those exercises religiously and they actually did help some, but not enough so I then tried...

Physiologist:  Dr. H
He recommended cortizone shots in my spine.  So I had the procedure done where they numb up your back and then do basically an epidural and inject cortizone.  I had high hopes that it would work, but it didn't.  Frustrated, I asked the physiologist what I should try next.
He said I should try a chiropractor.

Fourth chiropractor:  Dr. R.
Gave me some new insight.  He said that I actually had arthritis in my spine, and that my other symptoms may be inflammatory related.

Around this time,  in addition to my other physical struggles I began to lose mobility in my hips, and had extreme pain in my hip sockets.  I couldn't sit indian style at preschool....I mean physically could not do it.  It was really scary for me...what was happening to me?  My body seemed to be breaking down and I couldn't do anything to help it or stop it.

Orthopedic Specialist:  Dr. B.
Another MRI of my hip showed that I had femoral acetabular impingement.  My femur was deformed in how it fit into my hip socket, causing pain and inflammation and probably will eventually result in needing a hip replacement.

More ibuprofen.  At this point, I had been taking so much ibuprofen that I got an ulcer.  The doctor prescribed me omneprazole, an acid blocker to help the ulcer heal.  I would later battle another ulcer after that one.

Physically, I was a mess.  Since I really couldn't move or do anything...I spent a lot of time working on strengthening myself physically and growing closer to the Lord.  I felt at that point that I had done all I could possibly do within my ability to get better, and that I had the faith that the Lord would heal me.  So I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing, fully expecting to be healed after doing all I could do.

This is what the Lord told me in the blessing:
-My Heavenly Father is aware of me
- I will be guided to the foods I should and should not eat, diet changes, to the vitamins, minerals that my body needs to heal itself.
-It may take more time, but I will be healed.

What????  That was not what I wanted to hear!  I didn't want to change my diet!   That was going to be even more WORK and I was already burned out from trying to get better. Why can't you just heal me???

After I had my temper tantrum, I prayerfully began to read, research, talk to people, and let the Spirit guide me as to what to do.

Craniosacral therapy - Glenna at my chiropractors clinic introduced me to energy work and natural healing techniques.  It started me on the right path.

Naturopath - I found an inexpensive naturopath and was re-introduced to muscle testing.  I had known all of this stuff before, but because we were on a budget I had stuck to things that insurance would cover.  By this point, John had graduated and we had the money for me to start spending more on natural health.

We began to tackle my symptoms one by one, and my body would tell me what supplements it needed for the symptoms I had.

I also got into essential oils because I could no longer take pain pills, my stomach was wrecked.  And I was also now allergic to antibiotics because of all of the sinus infections I was getting.  I tried using essential oils to tackle one of my biggest and most painful problems:  varicose veins.  Particularly those in my groin area which were impossibly painful.  I tried trace minerals...all kinds of supplements but nothing ever worked.

I was beginning to manage a lot of my mystery symptoms and still had ups and downs.  After a routine checkup my care provider suggested I try antidepressants to help with my IBS symptoms and also my panic attacks and anxiety symptoms.  She prescribed me fluoxetine (generic for prozac) and my naturopath confirmed through muscle testing that my body needs it.  That completely took away my anxiety issues, and allowed my body to calm down.  It was a huge step forward.

I began taking supplements and eating foods that decreased inflammation, which helped a lot with the fibromyalgia symptoms.  I began eating the Dr. Oz diet.  All whole grains, limiting the processed foods.  The weirdest thing happened, once I switched over to all whole wheat, I got even sicker.

After waking up one morning with vertigo, I went to see an:
Ear Nose and Throat Specialist - Dr. M

He said my sinuses were totally inflamed and that was causing the vertigo.  I told him about my headaches and he did some allergy testing.  I can't even tell you my surprise when I got the call from the nurse:  You are allergic to wheat.  It's not uncommon for a wheat allergy to cause sinus issues.
What???
"Do you have digestive issues as well?"
It was now all beginning to make sense.

I remember driving by the gluten free store in Layton all the time and thinking "Sucks to be them!"  I could never live without bread!  Giving up gluten was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  I think Heavenly Father knew how stupid I am and that I would have to be so very desperate and sick and burned out that I would try ANYTHING to get better.

SO many symptoms improved after going gluten free.  Now that my pain was under control, I began to exercise again.  After I gave up the gluten, the extra weight melted off of me.

As I continued to seek the Lord's will for me and my little family, I began to have many promptings that we had another little spirit in heaven that was waiting to be a part of our family.  So believing the blessing that I would eventually be healed, and with a lot of my issues getting better we went off of birth control, leaving it to the Lord.    It actually took me a long time to get pregnant, but as soon as the stick turned pink, I miscarried.

Meanwhile I started having painful stomach spasms, and felt like I had a bladder infection.  I went in to the clinic three times thinking I had a UTI and finally was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis.  Basically, the lining of the bladder gets irritated and you feel burning and like you have to go to the bathroom ALL THE TIME.  I was having muscle buzzing again and random muscle twitching that left me exhausted.

What???? My body was falling apart again.  I thought the Lord said I would be healed?  Why am I not getting better?  If I'm supposed to have another baby, why can't I get pregnant?

The stomach spasms were so painful, I couldn't take any medicine and could hardly eat anything.  I was referred to a gastroenterologist.

Gastroenterologist:  suggested a stomach scope.  It was done by Dr. P at McKay Dee.
They couldn't find anything except irritation and scar tissue damage in my stomach but nothing that would be causing the spasms.  One of the nurses said that she thought I had biliary diskinesia, which basically is a backflow of the bile that should be coming from your gallbladder but when it's taken out, it gets stuck in your liver.  No cure except surgery, and Dr. P told me that surgery was invasive, and often caused even more problems.  That it would be something I'd have to live with.

Dr. P. is also a D.O. so I could talk to him about natural health things.  I told him about all of my symptoms, my back, interstitial cystitis, in addition to the stomach things.  He said they were all symptoms of Central Nervous System issues.  My central nervous system was freaking out. If I could figure out how to support my CNS then it might help my symptoms improve.

Back to the naturopath.  I also have amazing chiropractors:  Dr. B and Dr. L.  They do muscle testing and know a lot about natural health.  Dr. L. taught me about my ileo secal valve in my intestines.  When I eat foods such as caffeine or chocolate, it opens when it's supposed to stay closed.  When it opens, waste from the large intestines backs up into the small intestines, causing inflammation.  Particularly to the back....in the exact spot where my back hurt.  He showed me how to close it myself.  I stayed away from chocolate (SO HARD!) and caffeine and began managing my back and stomach pain after 9 years.

I got pregnant again, but immediately lost it.  My naturopath helped me figure out that my thyroid was shot.  I began taking thyroid natural supplements and my other symptoms disappeared.  I was finally managing my health and feeling pretty good, but still had brain fog and low energy.

It was around this time that Chloe got sick, and a friend brought over a can of zeal because she had been able to get off of her anti-depressants.  Chloe couldn't handle the taste, so I decided to try it.  I was intrigued by the 30 day challenge money-back guarantee, and also noticed that a lot of the ingredients were not only things I was trying to put into my diet every day, but also a lot of the supplements, and it was gluten free.

At first, I got a cold.  My friend told me about detoxing and I knew it was true.  In the past, anytime I have done a juice cleanse, gone off sugar,  processed foods, or done a detox I always get a cold.  It's my body's way of detoxing.  That was actually a good sign to me.  I kept drinking it every day but was busy with Chloe's treatment and didn't pay much attention to whether or not it was working.  I didn't notice that I was gaining almost super-human strength in order to homeschool my kids, and also get Chloe through that difficult time, plus still teach piano, preschool and run a household.

We went out of town for the weekend and I was so tired!  I felt horrible and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  When I got home I thought, "I forgot to take my Zeal when I was out of town.  Could it be that the zeal makes me feel better?"  So I experimented and sure enough, when I took the zeal, I had a clear mind, energy, no pain, no digestive issues, my varicose veins don't hurt anymore, no aches and pains in joints, normal periods, no interstitial cystitis, no stomach spasms, no sinus headaches or migraines.  I finally began to maintain a healthy weight.  And I didn't get tired in the afternoon like I usually did.

When I didn't take the zeal, the symptoms came back.  I looked at all of the supplements and medications I was taking that sporadically worked and added up the monthly costs, then compared it to the monthly cost of zeal.  It was a no brainer!  I can take all of that stuff and spend all of that money and have it work sometimes, or I can drink one zeal a day and that takes care of ALL of my symptoms.  I feel good all the time.

Sometimes when I am hiking or swimming with my kids, or doing things I could not do over these past 10 years because of my health problems, I want to cry just thinking about how grateful I am that Heavenly Father kept his promise in the blessing and did guide me to the things that would help my body heal itself.  I feel like I have a second chance at life.

I remember a bunch of ladies asking me to join their walking group and I had to turn them down because of my health problems.  I felt so sorry for myself, like I was handicapped.  I resigned that I should just be grateful to be alive but also mourned the loss of really LIVING life and the loss of a once very active lifestyle.

Now, I can do anything I want to do.  I exercise every day.  I walked 25+ miles on Pioneer trek and turned around to do Girls Camp for a week and I felt great, had lots of energy.  I believe that I have been guided to Zeal, that the creators are inspired, and it has changed my life.

PLEASE try it.  Give the 30 day challenge a try.  If it doesn't work, you have nothing to lose but if it can help just one person like it helped me, then I have done my job.

I wish for everyone to feel as good as I do.  I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who has helped me, guided me, and loved me and I'm determined to pay it forward.

I Must Remember This Forever and ever

I am copying this straight from Al Fox Carraway's blog:
I hope with all of my might that she doesn't mind
or that I'm not stealing any intellectual property by sharing.
This is a direct answer to what I am currently going through
and I NEED to remember it!

God Doesn’t Always Tell Us What Is Right

God doesn’t always tell us what is right.

Annoying, right?

How difficult it is sometimes to move forward with decision making because of this. 

Especially when you want so badly just to follow His will for you, but you aren’t exactly sure what His will is. Although we can receive from God all the time very specific answers that are very clear, there are also times when we just can’t figure it out.

How can we discern between our thoughts from the spirit?

We are told that all good things come from God, and if it’s good then we are to go for it. But what if it just seems good to you but it’s not good in His eyes? But what if there’s more than 1 good option to choose from? What then?

How can we know what is best rather than what one is just good.

And I don’t about you, but knowing that there is sometimes more than 1 bestthing to choose from doesn’t always give me comfort, but more anxiety moving forward.  (Is your head spinning yet just thinking about all this? Mine is).

I know I don’t want something if God doesn’t want it for me—yet, how many prayers I’ve spent asking Heavenly Father to just tell me what He wants me to do so I can do it and still feel like I’m going in circles. Do you know how much time I’ve spent wasting and waiting and worrying, feeling stuck because I felt like I couldn’t understand a clear answer with what to do? And the more time I spent thinking about one decision over the other— battling with thoughts and fears and blessings on each choice—the more confused I became and the harder it got. 

God doesn’t always tell us what is right.

But it is a promise to us from Him that He will always tell us what is not right. (If we follow and listen is a different story)

This is my secret weapon to decision making:

Instead of going in circles of what to decide and causing stress and anxiety and passing time, I just pick. I just pick something and move forward with it. Then, pray and tell Him what you decided. Tell Him if it’s wrong to stop you. That’s it. 

Too simple? Maybe. But it works.every.time.

 

D&C 9:8 is a legit promise that real life works. “You must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings.”

If we move forward with something that is not right, we are promised He will tell us. And How? Several ways— lack of comfort and peace. Negative feelings, (remember, everything good thing comes from God, even feelings). Opportunities will not appear. Doors close.  Nothing seems to fall in to place. 
(*Note: Opposition can come with things that are right, but to differentiate, peace & comfort can always be felt even during trials in those right times).

Just recently while still living in Arizona I got offered a new job back in Utah. It was an incredible opportunity in too many ways where it would be incredibly silly to turn down. But I didn’t want it. I wanted to stay in Arizona. But I needed to decide and decide quickly to let them know. I didn’t have time to ask Heavenly Father what I should do and risk it being a situation where my thoughts are confusing and blurred with the spirit. So I just picked. I chose to decline the job. I told Heavenly Father that’s what I decided and if it’s wrong, please stop me. And stop me before 9 am tomorrow morning when I’d send my email declining the offer. 

I woke up at 5 am and I couldn’t go back to sleep for the life of me. My mind was racing. I was completely overwhelmed knowing that I did need to take that job and that it was right. So here we are.

(Or that one time we decided to buy a house. We felt good enough about it to move forward with finding a realtor and seeing several houses, but then nothing felt right. We couldn’t find a house that we liked. Things slowed down. Doors started closing. No progress was made regardless of our good intentions and efforts. Only to find ourselves on our most exciting and favorite adventure in a completely different state a month and a half later that was right and guided in too many ways to count).

Regardless of the situation, prayer is crucial. That’s the most important step. It’s mandatory to following His will for you. Because it’s not just about picking what we want to do and asking for His help with it. It’s about doing what He asks of us and receiving those blessings and help and comfort to follow through. This is just a quicker way to pass the confusion and keep moving forward on the path that He has for us that leads to the greater things in life. Because we have to act and keep moving so there is something for God to help us with.

 

His promises are a reality, not just wishful thinking. To experiment with and act and do, not just think about to bring us comfort.  Alma 56:46 says, “Behold, our God is with us, and He will not suffer that we should fall. Then let us go forth!” And I want to echo that. Go forth! Fear not. Embrace the unexpected knowing who is guiding you. You are in the best hands. 

Forget not that YOU have a God. You have a God and He is yours! Yours to keep. Yours to turn to, always. A God whose sole purpose is to help you succeed. Forget not that you have a God, never does He leave you. But is always there to guide, direct, to warn, and to give you the best ever created. Not just in the eternities, but here—daily, in mortality.  

This is real. Heavenly Father is real. He’s as real as your heart beating.right.now. 

And this exact second, God is mindful of you.

And the second after that.

And all the seconds after that.

More Thoughts about Trek: Miracles and Tender Mercies

We did a LOT of pre-trek training as we prepared for our roles as a Ma and Pa.  Leaders tried their best to prepare us for what to expect.  We learned things such as safety guidelines, how to make a shelter, and were given lots of tips for spiritual preparation.

I also received a lot of advice from friends whom had been Mas and Pas before.  I tried to prepare in every way.  I studied the entire trek manual from front to back.  I sewed neck coolers filled with water beads so that my kids could have cool necks.  I got a spray bottle because someone suggested spraying their faces with cool water.  I was advised to get lip balm with spf so their lips won't get burned.  I bought clippers for their toenails to prevent painful toes.  Nylons to prevent blisters.  Special fast acting allergy medication.  Essential oils for all ailments.  Extra tarps, bungees and tent stakes so that we could have a decent shelter.  Glide to prevent chaffing.

We spent every weekend for a full two months shopping for trek supplies or tracking down things to borrow.  I ended up sewing Clara's and my outfits rather than borrowing because I knew I would need them again for other kids down the road.  Out of all the special equipment we needed, finding button up shirts for us ended up being the most challenging tasks...go figure.

Spiritually, I prepared by fasting for my family and the kids that would be in it.  I went to the temple and asked for inspiration in what I should share with the kids at the devotionals for my portion.  I took it really seriously because I understood that we only had three days to make an impact and I wanted it to be the Lord's message.  I felt very strongly about the messages that were given to me.  Here is what we shared:

Day 1 - Walking through the Wyoming prairie is HOT!!!  It's uncomfortable.  I was prompted to talk about the Refiner's fire.  I love this Mormon message about the refiner's fire on Youtube:
Click Here
It shows a blacksmith carefully holding metal over the hottest part of the fire, molding it, pounding it and twisting it.  It looks like it's being beat to death, but what is important to notice is that the blacksmith never leaves it, he carefully watches it and molds it as he holds it over the fire.  At the end, he has created a metal rose...a masterpiece.

That relates to us and trials.  To quote President Faust in his 1979 talk about the refiner's fire:

"The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless.

When we pluck the roses, we find we often cannot avoid the thorns which spring from the same stem.

Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted."

We gave our kids a Prairie Diamond Ring to remember that when they are going through trials, Heavenly Father has not left them.

There is also a pioneer story behind the Prairie Diamond:
PRAIRIE DIAMOND STORY:  While crossing the plains to SLC . . . there were very little luxuries along the way.  There’s a story of a young couple who wanted to get married but her father hope to dissuade the young man by insisting he first provide her with a diamond ring.  While thinking of ways to get the ring to marry the girl he stumbled upon a horseshoe nail with a head shaped like a diamond.  He took it to the blacksmith and had him bend it into a ring.  The father was very impressed with the young man’s resolve and they were soon married.  He promised his bride that when he could he would replace the ring.  But each time over the years when he offered to get her a better ring she refused and said she loved her “prairie diamond.” 

Trek is also very dirty.  During John's devotional, he talked about keeping ourselves clean so that the Holy Spirit can dwell within us.  He used the object lesson of a dirty muddy sock and asked if anyone wanted to put it on.  No one did because it was disgusting.  Likewise, no unclean thing can enter into the kingdom of heaven, and the Holy Ghost does not want to dwell in a place that isn't clean.

I embroidered handkerchiefs for them to keep as momentos and hopefully use in the future as they participate in temple dedications or even use them on their missions.

On the third day, we scrapped what we had planned and just asked the kids to share their thoughts.  They were so spiritually mature and taught us far more than we could have taught them, I really enjoyed hearing what they shared.


I am counting this experience as a miracle, or a tender mercy:

One of the girls in my company shared with me a little about some pretty heavy trials that she is going through.  When she received a letter from her parents at trek, her dad also wrote about the refiner's fire.   She said,
"Two times on trek I have been taught about the refiner's fire.  I guess it's something I really needed to hear."

I know that wasn't a coincidence.  Elder Bednar says that tender mercies from the Lord can be identified by the TIMING and the CIRCUMSTANCES surrounding the events.  That just cannot be a coincidence that her trek Ma and her earthly father were both inspired to offer her the same form of encouragement from a loving Heavenly Father.

It was also a tender mercy to me, maybe even more than it was to my trek daughter because it confirmed that the effort I put into the spiritual preparation for trek was noticed, and used by a loving Heavenly Father to make a difference in someone's life.  That's a great feeling!

Another miracle was the inspired process in which our trek family was created.  Brother Fitzgerald, our trail boss told us that they prayed and fasted over every name placement with each family in their company.  They would place the names of kids with Ma's and Pa's and it would either feel wrong, or really right.

I appreciated that they talked about that because during one of our devotionals one of my trek sons shared that he had really hoped he would have at least one friend in his trek family.  And it wasn't a coincidence that he did!  A loving Heavenly Father knew he needed that to feel comfortable and as a tender mercy gave that to him.

I think the biggest blessings that John and I received from Trek was just the love that we felt within our trek family.  Before trek, I talked to a friend whose trek experience wasn't the greatest, because of a youth in her family that didn't want to be there, had a terrible attitude, and was a major disciplinary problem.  I was so afraid that that would happen to John and me.  What will we do if they don't listen to us?  Or if they don't want to work?  Or if they aren't kind?

It didn't take us long to realize that we had choice kids in our family.  Each and every one of them was exceptional.  We marveled at the love we could feel for strangers, but I suppose that after serving them for months prior to trek, then during the intense experiences of trek, it makes sense that we would feel Heavenly Father's love for them.  We would walk behind the handcart and watch them pushing together as a team, caring for each other, laughing together and would marvel at how we were blessed to see them as Heavenly Father sees them.  We could see their large spirits shining bright.  We didn't see social status or their faults...we saw THEM.    We marveled at the caliber of spirits that Heavenly Father has sent to earth in the form of our youth.

Prior to trek, as I mentioned in an earlier post, the adversary was working on me so hard.  Everything felt like a huge burden, I was doubting my decision to go, everything was going wrong....I was packing and Carter was following me around the house crying "Don't leave us!" As a mother, Satan knows where to get me.

"How can I leave my kids?  What if I am hurt or even die like that lady in Oklahoma?" Then the next thought came:
"Maybe I just shouldn't go."
As soon as that thought came, it was followed by an intense feeling,
"But I'm SUPPOSED to do this.  My trek family needs me, and I need them.  I love them."  I was overcome with a feeling that I had experienced that moment before.  An intense Deja vu like no other.  Perhaps I had seen it in a dream, I don't know but it gave me the resolve to continue preparing with faith that everything would work out alright.

Here is the amazing part.  While we were on trek, two of the girls in my family had similar experiences where they had an intense deja vu moment.  We would be talking and then all of a sudden they would stop in their tracks and say,
"This is really weird but I feel like I've seen or experienced this moment before.  Like I dreamed it or saw it."

Then during devotional on the second night, as the trek kids were sharing their thoughts, one of the boys said "I'm starting to recognize how the Spirit feels while I'm here.  In fact, it's weird but I've had a sensation like I've seen this before."  We all freaked out, but in a good way.
"Us too!  What does it mean?"

I have thought about this a lot.  At trek, I told them that whenever I have one of those experiences, they seem to be at points in my life I like to call a "checkpoint".  I believe when those kinds of things happen, it's Heavenly Father's way of letting me know that I am on the right path and have made a good choice.  That I am exactly where He wants me to be.  Perhaps it has affected the course my life will take.

Since trek, I have spoken with other youth about their experiences and one of my piano students asked me,
"Did you feel like you knew your family before?  Like, before you came to earth?  Because everyone in my family felt that, and I felt it too."  Mind you, this is coming from a very intellectual kid who isn't really inclined towards spiritual things.  I was flabbergasted to hear this coming out of his mouth, but then I thought,
"Yeah, I think that did happen to us."

I was unprepared for the motherly love I would feel for my trek kids.  I believe this is one of the biggest blessings I have gleaned from the experience.

On the first day of trek, we met the kids in our family and then immediately loaded busses and drove for an hour to the ranch just outside of Evanston Wyoming.  I took the opportunity to get to know the kids in my company, and asked them tons of questions about their lives, where they live, etc.  I ended up spending most of the time talking to one of my trek sons who came across as not extremely shy, but just one of those people that doesn't let just anyone know their thoughts or feelings.  I recognized that I had to earn his trust and friendship and I set out to do just that.

Once we arrived at the ranch, we loaded up our handcarts then gathered together for some safety instructions.  As we were receiving instructions, this particular son was standing in front of me.  Suddenly he turned and looked right at me.  I thought it was really weird.

Then his eyes rolled back in his head and I realized that he had probably been locking his knees.  He was going down!  Mama instincts kicked in and I pulled him towards me to catch his fall.  Even though he was VERY heavy and I in all likelihood was NOT strong enough to catch him, I still felt inspired to tell him,

"I've got you."

And then I yelled for John.....HELP!  Luckily with John's combined strength we could safely get him down and he recovered very quickly.

At the end of trek, I felt like I had formed a motherly bond with this kid.  I was and would always be his trek ma.  As we were loading up on the busses to go home, I felt prompted to call him aside and ask him,

"Do you remember on the first day when you passed out, what I said to you when I caught you?"
"No, I don't," he said.
"I said, I've got you.  I want you to know that I've still got you.  Even after trek is over."

This kid who was at the beginning of trek very closed off and private, actually came up to me and hugged me!  He even gave me the satisfaction of telling me, "Trek didn't suck as much as I thought it would."  I knew that I had earned his trust and maybe even made a difference in his life.  It was a great feeling.

I've thought about this a lot since then.  I thought that experience was for my trek son, but I can see now that it was actually a teaching moment for me.  The Spirit reminded me that before trek I fretted and worried and doubted and stewed, but exercised faith that Heavenly Father would help me, and not only did He help me but gave me a life changing and character building experience.

How many other things does Heavenly Father call me to do, that I fret and stress and stew and doubt about?

Just as I sought to earn the trust of my son on trek, my Heavenly Father has been seeking to earn my trust as well.  It's as if He was saying to me,

"See, I've got you."

Just as I loved and felt invested in this trek son and all of my trek children after just four days, Heavenly Father is invested in me a million times more.

"For this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."

I can no longer doubt that.  I have a renewed trust and faith in my Heavenly Father like I've never had before, and it was worth every penny spent, minute of time spent preparing, every blister, every sacrifice, every moment away from my beloved children in order to gain that.

A person cannot deny that this is HIS work when they see as many miracles and experience the things that I have since being baptized into this church 20 years ago.  Although His work may be facilitated by imperfect people, it is real, and true, and wonderful.  I love it!