After introductions, I attempted to explain what in the world would possess me to start a support group for Christ-centered mothers? (For that is the vision of this group, to support each other and find the tools to help make our current families better, and also to raise up the next generation to be the kinds of adults that they will need to be in order to thrive in a culture which Isaiah foresaw: where men "call evil good and good evil" (Isa 5:20)).
After all, I'm not an expert or a guru, and I don't have a PhD. Our ward Relief Society already has a Strengthening Families Committee and they are doing wonderful things. I am however, a mother of four kids with a variety of special needs and personalities...including ADHD and OCD/Anxiety...and I have read, studied, taken classes, prayed and been guided by the Spirit, learned from mentors, spent many hours in therapy of all sorts, nannied, received a college education and basically worked my butt off and spent a lot of money in the trenches for about 25 years trying to figure things out.
I still don't have things "figured out" per say, but I will say that out of all of the methods I've used, I've finally found something that actually, truly works. Just to give you an idea of the books or courses I've already read or studied, at least those I can remember:
Therapist Recommended methods,
My Professors' Recommended methods including Freud, Piaget, Pavlov, Skinner
Listen so your Teen will Talk and Talk so your Teen will Listen
Parenting with Love and Logic
Love and Logic classes (multiple times)
Total Transformation Workshop (three times)
Richard and Linda Eyre's books including the Entitlement Trap
Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Harvey Karp
Dr. Laura
Tracy Hogg, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer
What to Expect Books
Marjorie Hinckley books
Marriage and Family classes with the LDS church (three times)
At some point, I finally wised up and turned myself over to the Holy Spirit's guidance wholly and fully to educate me on what to do. What I am sharing in these classes, is what He has guided me to. I would like to repeat that for the first time, I have finally found what works for my family, is 100% Christ-centered, and after years of tromping through the mud, I felt like I didn't want all of that "mud tromping" to go to waste. I wanted to build a bridge for other mothers to walk over the mud and get straight to effective parenting.
When I began homeschooling I had a strong absolute core knowledge that it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. So quitting wasn't an option. The schooling part was great, but the managing the household and children's behaviors was not going so great. My breaking point was when two of my children were ASKED TO LEAVE THE LIBRARY AND NEVER COME BACK, because they got into a knock-down drag out fight....I mean, ripping clothing and running through the aisles of books, and wrestling on the floor fight. Oh man, I've never felt so helpless and ashamed as I did that day.
It was with that frustration on my heart that I began seriously fasting and praying for help. Was it a coincidence that my friend Becca showed up at my house that week with a book called The Child Whisperer by Carol Tuttle because she felt prompted to do it? No way! Understanding my children's energy types and personalities was the first step to making big changes. I just so happened to attend the Winter Homeschool Conference at Weber State, during which I took a class by Carol Tuttle and was able to meet her.
At this same conference, I attended a question and answer panel session with the children of Oliver and Rachel DeMille, founders of the Thomas Jefferson Education, which is the curriculum I have been guided to use for my family. At the end of the session I was the last person they chose to ask a question and I said,
"We have been homeschooling for two months now. We love it and love the curriculum but our biggest obstacle is GETTING ALONG. Any advice?"
They told me to meet them afterwards and speak to them personally, which I did, and I got a lot of good advice, but the life changing part was just after the class ended. A sweet mother came up to me and told me that she thought I was so brave for asking that question. She told me to write down: The Principles of Self-Government by Nicholeen Peck and that it had changed her life. Two other moms came up and confirmed, they said to just work on our family for homeschool for a few months and stay the course. I felt my insides light on fire from my head to my toes, confirming that this was something I needed to do, and do it NOW. So I immediately went home and began tutorials, bought the book and began studying, tackling one thing at a time. It's been a miracle. Hard work, but it's paying off.
I feel compelled to share, not because I think I have all of the answers or because I think I'm great or smart... but because I'm being prompted to do it. I'm actually not very smart at all, and completely average in almost every way, but I'm learning that when I allow the Creator of the Universe and the Savior of mankind to mentor me...big changes and big miracles can and will take place! How can I not share this information with other mothers seeking the same thing?
Why do I love the principle of Self-Government as a parenting lifestyle? Although the things I have studied all have good things and I am a better mother because of them, some elements of the other methods seem to be a "bandaid" approach to behavior. So many times I react to my children's mistakes and punish or scold, or put them in time-out to correct the behavior. But really that is just putting a temporary bandaid on the problem. Teaching self-government changes hearts, changes each and every family member from the inside out, so that they have the skills to govern themselves, and mistakes are reduced. I also compare it in my mind to the "give a man a fish and he will eat for a day" principle versus "TEACH a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime." The Self-Government method seemed to take the best of everything I have learned and connected it all together in one place. Particularly the following principles:
Christianity is all about agency and self-reliance, so the concepts of self-government resonate with me because they are about honoring our children's agency and parenting in a way that our children learn behavioral self-reliance. I started noticing more connections between what this book teaches and things I have read within my personal gospel studies throughout the years. In order to really turn myself over to this new way of parenting, I had to know for SURE that it was compatible with my Christian and LDS beliefs.
Being the nerd that I am, I made a chart, listing the attributes of our Heavenly Parents that we are given through the scriptures and prophets.
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What are our Heavenly Parents’ attributes?
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Scriptural Reference
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Unchanging.
Do
not parent according to their moods
Consistent
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2 Nephi 2:4 God is the “same today,
yesterday and forever.” Scriptures are full of this description
2Nephi 27:23
Mormon 9:9
(no variableness or shadow of
changing) This leads us to trust Him,
feel safe in His care because we know what to expect.
D&C 20:12
Alma 31:17
D&C 35:1
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Trustworthy
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“Trust
in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”
Proverbs 3:5
2Nephi
28:31
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Love
is not conditional on behavior
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“He
Truly Loves Us” by Paul Koelliker April 2012
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Parents
differently based on the needs of each child.
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Children
of Israel vs. post Christ dispensations
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Orderly
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Prepare
every needful thing, a house of order, a house of God
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Commands
respect
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Cannot
enter into heaven unless clean
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Just
and Merciful – He follows through with his laws but also applies mercy to his
parenting
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Justice
– The unfailing consequence
of blessings for righteous thoughts and acts, and punishment for unrepented
sin. Justice is an eternal law that requires a penalty each time a law of God
is broken
Or
god would cease to be God
Alma
42:13-24
Mercy
– 22 references to mercy in the scriptures
Mercy
cannot rob justice
Ex
34:6- The Lord is merciful and gracious
Deut
4:31
Luke
6:36
I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful
unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts:D&C
61:2;
(if the child confesses, then we can reduce
the sentence)
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Teacher and Mentor
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“Neither
trust in the arm of flesh”
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He has high standards for us
because he loves us
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“Seek
ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and
also by faith.” D&C 88:118
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Intelligent- along with this goes
Knowledge*
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“The
glory of God is intelligence.” D7C
93:36
D&C
88:118 Learning should be a lifetime
pursuit
Spiritual
training goes first
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Godly attributes:
faith,
virtue,
knowledge*,
temperance,
patience,
Kind
charity,
humility
diligence
Hope
Heavenly Father respects our
agency. He does not engage in power
struggles with his children.
He knows it is important for us to
work and struggle
He knows we need rules and
consequences
He knows we need to be rewarded for
good behavior so we stay motivated and know He is pleased. Every law has a blessing attached.
Heavenly Father has low tolerances
for sin
Heavenly Father gives lots of
praise and tells us what our rewards will be for following directions.
He has us agree upon and vote on
the rules as a family
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D&C
4:6
“Pure
thoughts and clean actions” Do not
lust in your heart. Let virtue garnish
thy thoughts unceasingly.
“I add my voice to these wise and inspired
brethren and say to you that one of the most important things you can do as
priesthood leaders is to immerse yourselves in the scriptures. Search them
diligently. Feast upon the words of Christ. Learn the doctrine. Master the
principles that are found therein. … Few other efforts … will bring greater
dividends to your calling. … Few other ways [will result in] greater
inspiration.
“You must … see that studying and searching
the scriptures is not a burden laid upon [us] by the Lord, but a marvelous
blessing and opportunity”
“Restrained in your emotions and verbal
expressions. Do things in moderation
and is not given to overindulgence.
Self control! Master of emotions,
not the other way around.
“Can ye be angry, and not sin?” asked the
Apostle Paul (JST, Eph. 4:26).
Another form of self control. The ability to postpone gratification and
to bridle one’s passions. In his
relationships with loved ones, a patient man does not engage in impetuous
behavior that he will later regret. Patience is composure under stress. A
patient man is understanding of others’ faults.
A patient man also waits on the Lord. We
sometimes read or hear of people who seek a blessing from the Lord, then grow
impatient when it does not come swiftly. Part of the divine nature is to
trust in the Lord enough to “be still and know that [he is] God” (D&C
101:16).
Continue in Patience – Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Mothers are kind. One who is kind is sympathetic and gentle
with others. He is considerate of others’ feelings and courteous in his
behavior. He has a helpful nature. Kindness pardons others’ weaknesses and
faults. Kindness is extended to all—to the aged and the young, to animals, to
those low of station as well as the high.
The Pure love of Christ
Survivor’s rule of 3 “Man can live about forty days without
food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without
air...but only for one second without hope.” ― Hal Lindsey.
2 Nephi: 16 Wherefore, the Lord God
gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act
for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.
And because that they are redeemed from the
fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for
themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law
at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath
given.
27 Wherefore, men are free
according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient
unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the
great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the
captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be
miserable like unto himself.
2Nephi 2: 11 For it must needs be,
that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the
wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness,
neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must
needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs
remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor
incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
12 Wherefore, it must needs have
been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no
purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy
the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power, and the
mercy, and the justice of God.
13 And if ye shall say there is
no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin,
ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness
there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there
be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And
if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been
no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all
things must have vanished away.
“There is a law, irrevocably decreed,” the
Lord said, “. . . upon which all blessings are predicated—And when
we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it
is predicated” (D&C 130:20–21)
David A. Bednar – “That We May Always Have
His Spirit To Be with Us.” April 2006
The fundamental conditions of the covenant
into which we entered in the waters of baptism are these: we witnessed that
we were willing to take upon ourselves the name of Jesus Christ, that we
would always remember Him, and that we would keep His commandments. The
promised blessing for honoring this covenant is that we may always have His Spirit to be
with us (see D&C
20:77).
D&C 1:31 “For I the Lord cannot look upon sin with
the least degree of allowance.”
Matthew 25:23 “Well done, good and faithful servant; thou
hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler
over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. “
D&C 25 to Emma Smith:
“if thou art faithful and walk in the paths of virtue before me, I
will preserve thy life, and thou shalt receive an inheritance in Zion.
3 Behold, thy sins are
forgiven thee, and thou art an elect lady, whom I have called."
Job 38: 4-7 “The
morning stars shouted for joy”
Abraham saw the intelligences that were organized before the
world was
Abr 3:21-24
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The following are my notes from the first forum,
Class 1: "Be the Change." Quotes are taken from the book
"Parenting a House United. The Principles of Self-Government by Nicholeen Peck"
(I have hard copies, if you would like a packet feel free to PM me)
Self
–Government
Self -Government is being able to determine the cause and
effect of any given situation, and possessing the knowledge of your own
behaviors so that you can control them.
Take a moment to write down a list of what
qualities you hope their children will have as adults. Do you hope they are educated, healthy,
moral, self disciplined, kind, do service, work hard, leaders?
Gandhi and the Boy who ate too much sugar:
During the 1930's, a young boy
had become obsessed with eating a lot of sugar. His mother was very upset with
this. But no matter how much she scolded him and tried to break his habit, he
continued to satisfy his sweet tooth. Being totally frustrated, she decided to
take her son to see Mahatma Gandhi who was the boy's idol.
She had to walk many miles across
the country, for hours under scorching sun to finally reach Gandhi's ashram.
There, she recounted her difficult journey and shared with Gandhi her
unpleasant situation:
"Bapu (Father), my son eats
too much sugar. It is not good for his health. Would you
please advise him to stop eating
it? "
Gandhi listened to the woman
carefully, thought for a while and replied:
“Please come back after two
weeks. I will talk to your son.”
The women looked confused. Then
she took the boy by the hand and went home. She made the long journey home and
in two weeks time made it once again as Gandhi requested. When they arrived,
Gandhi looked directly at the boy and said:
"Boy, you should stop eating
sugar. It is not good for your health."
The boy nodded and promised he
would not continue this habit any longer. The
boy's mother was puzzled. She
turned to Gandhi and asked,
"Bapu (Father), Why didn't
you tell him that two weeks ago when I brought him here to see you?"
Gandhi smiled and whispered in
her ears.
"Mother, that time I was not
qualified to advise the little one
Because I too, was same like him,
eating a lot of sugar myself two weeks ago.
"You
Must First Be The Change You Want To See In This World" - Mahatma Gandhi.
If you want your husband to be your sweetheart, be his
sweetheart.
If you want your children to be well behaved, be well
behaved.
A. FIRST STEP:
If we want to be the ultimate
example, we must first correctly understand who our Heavenly Father is, what
His attributes are, and how He parents.
“Therefore,
what manner of men (Insert PARENT here) ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.” 3Nephi
27:27
To be like the
Savior –“What a challenge for any person!
He was perfect in every aspect of His life. There was no flaw nor failing in Him. Is it possible for us as mothers to be even
as He is? The answer is yes. Not only Can we but that is our charge, our
responsibility. He would not give us
that commandment if He did not mean for us to do it.
Does He expect
us to do it all at once? No! By small and simple things are great things
brought to pass. We perfect ourselves by
degrees. Parenting is the perfect
opportunity.”
(I’m still working on remembering who said
this and where I found this quote)
A.
SECOND
STEP.
We must first work on how to stay calm, and
practice what we preach. If we don’t
want our kids to swear, we can’t swear. If we don't want yelling in our home, we cannot raise our voice. This is the second step of the process.
STAYING CALM - “Most parenting interactions I
see when I am around people are power struggles, not teaching moments. If home is the safest place to make mistakes,
then parenting can’t be about having power battles. If the parent really feels out of control,
then the parent needs to find control in the only way a good leader finds
control- with calmness.
“The rule I live by is that the person who
stays the calmest has the power to control the situation. So, if you must feel power, effectively find
it by being the calmest and most structured person in the room. Just so you know, it is much harder to
control your emotions and be calm than to give in to your emotions and engage
in a power struggle.
Most power struggles are actually started by
parents.
Once we learn this, it is easy to stop power
struggles. We only have to control
ourselves.
Here is the advice Nicholeen Peck gives on
this in her Self Government book:
1. Train yourself to use less emotion
and more explanation. Describe what is
going on as if you are an outsider observing.
2. Teach yourself to use key words. i.e.: “Just now when you
. . .”
3. Practice with your spouse or
another party all of the steps to each style of teaching often until you feel
comfortable using the new language.
- 4. When she begins to feel the
anxious, tight feeling in the pit of her stomach she takes three calming
breaths and counts to four.
- 5. No one said that you have to
correct bad behavior the moment it is happening. Walk away and refuse to engage unless you are
calm. It is way more effective to
correct behavior later when you are calm, than when you are emotional in the
moment.
- 6. If Nicholeen is struggling big
time with her emotions, she will remove herself to her room, lock the door,
kneel down and pray until she feels the Spirit again.
- 7. Youtube video: Secrets to being calm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPmkHxZdEew.
She also has a cd on her website called The Power of Staying Calm and
teaches how to stay calm. It’s
$14…..maybe we can all go in together?
**Class
Action Item for the day:
Work on staying calm calm calm.
What tools worked for you?
Success stories? How can we
support each other in staying calm?
How Do You Get Your Way?
In May 2009 I allowed the
BBC Britain to bring two troubled British teens to my home to make a show
called “The World’s Strictest Parents.” They brought me two seventeen
year olds named Hannah and James. For two days Hannah and James had
tantrums and tried every way they could think of to initiate power struggles
and force us to become aggressive. This is generally called, “button
pushing.” What they didn’t know was that I got rid of all my buttons long
ago.
On day three the teens were all of the sudden completely different. They
were obedient and generally wanted to communicate effectively. I was
really impressed with their new personalities. I said to Hannah, “Hannah,
why did you suddenly stop yelling and getting angry?”
She said, “Well, at my house if I yell I get my way or someone at least yells
back. But, here you always stay so calm that it doesn’t do any
good. So, I just figured I might as well try staying calm too.”
Because Hannah saw that her aggression wouldn’t work, she was able to
completely change the way she communicated. So what did Hannah give up her
aggression for? We taught her assertiveness, which was a new way to get
her way. (To see the BBC show go to http://teachingselfgovernment.com/videos/ )
Communication 101
When most people think of communication, they think of words. While words
are a vital way to communicate, there are many ways communication
happens. Body language actually communicates even more than words
do. A person’s body, eyes, and over all feeling expressed speaks much
more about what the person thinks and feels than words ever will.
We all know this. We form our opinions and moods from these intuitive
clues all the time. So, why don’t we think more carefully about how we
move, and express ourselves then? We get fooled into thinking that we see
other people’s moods and feelings more vividly than they see ours. People
see everything you do, and hear more in your words than what you say.
They hear your tone, and the feeling carried by the tone is what speaks to
their hearts.
So, what about those people who choose to say nothing? Are they
impossible to read? No way! They are easier to read in many
ways. They think they are controlling themselves by shutting down all
communication, but what they don’t know is that people can’t ever stop
communicating. Choosing to be absent or silent is also a communication of
how you feel about other people and your disapproval of an issue, or distance
from the other person. These communications are obvious and cannot be
hidden by the best actor or actress.
How Do You Try to Get YOUR
WAY?
There are four ways people generally try to get their way; by being passive,
aggressive, passive/aggressive, or assertive. If you don’t know which way
you generally try to gain control of situations and other people’s emotions,
then take this little test.
Let’s say you are in a check-out line at a grocery store and someone cuts in
front of you in line. What do you do?
Do you grab the person and
shove them aside? Do you very loudly say,”Hey, I was here first.
The back of the line is over there.” If you find yourself acting like
this in similar situations, then you are aggressive and try to gain control of
your environment by force.
Maybe you are more
inclined to say nothing and focus on thoughts like, “People are so rude now
days. No one even looks to see if I am here. Oh well, its better
not to say anything because I never know what they might do if I spoke
up. It’s better to keep the peace.” If you think things like this
and often do nothing then you are passive to gain control of your surroundings
and keep the peace.
Perhaps you are the kind
of person who responds by saying nothing to the person who cut in front of you,
but might make a rude remark about the person who cut in line to the person
behind you or to your impatient child. You might “accidentally” get too
close to the person in front of you with your cart and make it difficult for
them to move, or just glare at the back of their head and think hateful things
about the person for a good while after the person leaves the store.
During all of this you will feel proud of yourself for not showing emotional
weakness by yelling at the person. If you take all the control inside
yourself and argue with body language and feelings instead of with forceful
actions and words then you are a passive/aggressive arguer.
These three manipulative
responses are the most common ways to react to the situation described above,
but they are not the only way to handle the situation. You could choose
to assume the person in front of you is unaware of the line and kindly suggest
a correction of the problem. It would look like this. You tap the
line-cutter on the shoulder in a kind way and say, “Excuse me.” After the
person turns around and can see eye to eye you disagree in an appropriate
way. In my home we call this skill disagreeing appropriately. It is
a fundamental skill to creating a successful, happy adult.
The disagreement would go
something like this, “Sir, I know you probably didn’t notice before, but this
is not the back of the line. The back of the line is actually over
there. Would you mind moving to the back of the line instead of right
here? Thank you.” Speaking calmly, with respect and assuming the
best of the person who you are communicating with is called being
assertive. Assertiveness is the desired way to get what you want or what
is right, and it works.
Sure, you could be
assertive and the other person could come back at you with aggression, but this
is usually very rare. Remember, that the feeling of your body, voice
tone, and soul will be felt by the other person. So, if you choose to
really love the offender and see his side for a minute, and communicate those
feelings to him while setting the situation right at the same time, then he
will have a hard time returning aggression for those kind feelings and
actions.
However, if a person
chooses to be aggressive to you when you are assertive then the best thing to
do is to say, “Oh” and pity the person for obviously having such a bad day or
being out of control at the minute. It’s okay to see another person fail
at communicating. Love them anyway. (I like using “Oh.” It is
the perfect statement. It says “I hear you” but doesn’t say “I agree.”)
Aggressive People
Aggressive people choose to rage because it feels powerful for a minute and
releases tension. They choose aggression to get what they want because
they know other people don’t know how to handle their emotions.
Aggressive people tend to believe that there are two kinds of people; the kind
that use aggression and get what they want and the kind that back down and
never get what they want.
My British child-for-a-week, Hannah proved this when she said, “Well, at my
house if I yell I get my way or someone at least yells back…”
Have you noticed that the majority of adults are not aggressive in
public? The reason this is the case is because it is generally agreed
that aggression is something that happens with frustrated children; not
adults. Children have to be taught to overcome aggression. However,
in private, many adults prove they never really learned to handle their
aggressive tendencies. They don’t know they can get their way and have
good relationships by being assertive instead of aggressive.
Passive People
Passive people think aggressive people are scary, and choose not to battle
things out with them for self preservation. They don’t know about being assertive
and think that their only options are either to be aggressive, which looks out
of control, or to be passive, or passive/aggressive which seems like
control. Truly passive people see themselves as weak and everyone else as
strong. They take abuse from other people because they just don’t know
how to handle it. Passive people feel walked on and frustrated because no
one really understands them or cares about their wishes and feelings.
Sometimes passive people attempt to communicate but get shut down easily and
choose to become reconciled to their situation because they don’t feel heard.
Seeking attention by expressing their weaknesses, or having “pity
parties,” is common with passive people.
You may wonder how a passive person could feel like they are gaining control
over their environment by being passive and backing down. The passive
person controls the environment by keeping the peace and being able to stop an
argument. They know that if they back down to the other person’s wishes
then they can control most of the responses of the other person and have less
tension. Again, truly passive people are rare because a truly passive
person has to choose passiveness for the sake of peace and then not desire any
change that would put the peace in jeopardy.
Passive/Aggressive People
The reason truly passive people are rare is because most passive people would
fall into the category of passive/aggressive. Instead of backing down
from confrontation for the sake of peace the passive/aggressive person backs
down for force. They see that the person who says less is not as
vulnerable as the person who says more. They completely buy into Benjamin
Franklin’s quote, “It is better to not say anything and be thought a fool than
to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
Saying nothing feels powerful to passive/aggressive people. They use
their silence to make their argument. They only want communication if the
other person will see their way. If the passive/aggressive person doesn’t
think his idea will be adopted as the best then he will not offer it up.
Passive/aggressive parents might leave a child who isn’t ready to go on
time. The passive/aggressive spouse is the kind who sits in the car on Sunday
mornings with a scowl on her face feeling superior to all those not ready on
time for church. Her actions communicate, “I’m ready; it’s obviously all
your fault we are late.” Her body and feelings do all the arguing.
Passive/aggressive people put up emotional walls. They close themselves
off from other people and choose not to do any verbal communication assuming
they are choosing no communication. What they don’t know is that they are
communicating.
Their body movements and
argumentative feeling of their soul are easily felt. They feel distant
because they have made themselves thus. Their silence tells everyone on
the other side of the wall this, “I don’t agree with you. I feel like not
talking but know that if I talk to you I will feel better. I want to be
understood. I want you to see things the way I see them. I feel so
alone. You just don’t get it. Because you don’t value my opinions I
feel like our relationship is ruined right now. Do you really care what I
think and feel? My opinions are important…”
This really is what they are trying to say, whether they have thought about it
or not. As a parent or spouse it is helpful to know that the person is
shutting you out to get your attention and encourage relationship building.
It is tempting to be passive/aggressive too and let the wall become stronger
and taller, but that will not take care of what the passive/aggressive person
is really asking for; attention, understanding and an insight into how to
communicate with you.
Passive/aggressive people can seem difficult to connect with, but they are
screaming in a silent way for connection and acceptance. An assertive
spouse, friend, or parent can change these hearts.
Assertive People
Assertiveness is the only problem solving method which isn’t
manipulative! It doesn’t need to be because assertive people have the
power of self-government. Their reaction is about them controlling
themselves not them controlling others. They know how to keep their emotions
controlled, while still problem solving situations. They are calm,
friendly, loving and understanding while at the same time firm and
principled.
Assertive problem solvers
recognize that they have the power to communicate either with love or contempt
and choose love. They really seek to understand what the other person
might have been thinking or feeling. Next, they lovingly describe the
situation, and suggest a remedy or give an instruction. Then they trust
that the person is good and wants to choose the right choice, even if the
choice doesn’t always turn out as planned. An assertive person isn’t
afraid to talk about situations and feelings. They believe that open
honest discussion is the key to solving a problem. In fact, assertive
people usually instigate healthy, humble discussion.
Assertive people are not afraid of aggressive people because they are
secure. Assertive people do not rage because they trust their
communication skills. Assertive people do not build up emotional walls
because they know that relationships are the most important part of
communication. Are you assertive? I haven’t always been.
The Assertive Home
I gave my parents most of
their gray hairs with my aggression and passive/aggression in my younger years
and have had many family arguments over the years which were all about building
up walls. But, 11 years ago I learned there was another way to get what I
wanted; to be assertive.
Once I realized this skill
was desirable above all other problem solving skills I knew I had to improve
upon it and teach it to my children so they wouldn’t be the kind of children I
was and so they could be “joyful, happy adults, who know what their mission in
life is and can’t wait to fight for it, and have solid relationships with God
and family.” (Parenting A House United by: Nicholeen Peck)
This is my goal, and teaching assertive problem solving is my way. I call
it teaching self-government, and it has changed my life.
Talk about these four
attitudes toward solving relationship problems and disagreements as a
family. If each person is aware of the four different ways to see
situations they are more likely to choose the assertive way. Then the
whole family can communicate more lovingly and effectively.
More on principles of
Teaching Self-Government and effective parenting can be found on Nicholeen’s
blog, http://teachingselfgovernment.com
THIRD STEP
As we work on ourselves, we invite the Holy
Spirit into our lives. He is the
ultimate mentor and can help us. He has
learned how to perfect His attributes, so He can through the Holy Spirit teach
us how to do it. Perhaps we can take these attributes home,
study them, ask the Spirit to let us know which one He would like us to focus
on first, and ask for help to improve in that area. It is amazing. This weakness will become a strength! As we get our lives in
order, and sweep out all of the corners, get rid of all of our vices, strive to
keep all of the commandments, we invite the Spirit in abundance and then we are
in a position to receive direction daily from on High.
Other References:
·
Teaching
Children to Govern Themselves June 1986
L. Tom Perry
• Doctrine
and Covenants 109:8
Organize yourselves; prepare every needful
thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a
house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a
house of God;
•
Godly characteristics of the Master, Ezra
Taft Benson
• Book of Mormon Alma 42
Our next forum will be in three weeks on Monday, April 4th at 2pm. My friend Becca Goble will be teaching us about the 4 Energy Types and I will delve into Personality Types and how to apply that to parenting. Don't worry if you can't make it, I will post everything on the blog.
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